Forget Gigi’s pasta cupboards, this is some of the worst celebrity home decor of all time

Yesterday we were rudely awakened to a scourge on our social media feeds: Gigi Hadid’s new house. Cupboards filled with coloured, useless pasta (a waste of perfectly good pasta imo), copies of the New Yorker stapled to bathroom walls like a teenage girl’s bedroom in Perks of Being a Wallflower and… a giant pen? For some reason? Oh, how it troubles me.

But you know the worst part? It’s not even a drop in the ocean of terrible celeb decor. Like… have you SEEN Love Islander’s crushed velvet emporiums? It’s painful to the cornea.

But even REALLY famous people, with stacks of money (like phat stacks), make terrible decisions. I’m talking skittles machines, pole dancing setups, bunk beds and terrible tiling decisions (tiling decisions should not be taken lightly). This ain’t the years of MTV’s cribs anymore – this is unacceptable. Here are some of the absolute worst, which I compiled thanks to my extensive procrastination time watching Architectural Digest tours of celebs homes instead of doing anything productive. Thanks, me, for my service.

Neil Patrick Harris’ monkey parlour bar with muchos taxidermy, like what?

You know in The Shining where he’s sat at the bar, descending into madness, toying with the idea of whether or not to kill his family? That’s what this bar makes me feel.

Poppy and Cara Delevigne’s pole dancing velvet hell hole

I don’t know if Poppy and Cara designed this house when they were super high (and not like weed high, like HIGH high) but this is some bullshit. It only gets worse when you a) realise the paintings are ALSO velvet and b) clock Cara’s outfit. What even is that?

As an aside, this same flat has a guest bedroom with bamboo bunkbeds. SoooOOoOOOooOo quirky.

Zedd’s Skittles machine which deffo gets him laid all the time

Zedd is mega-rich. Like, way more rich than you’d think he is, which leaves absolutely NO EXCUSE for this kind of gimmicky, lame, Cribs-esque behaviour. Plus there’s no point trying to out-Cribs gimmick the Cribs Gimmicks because my bar was set at an ultimate height when I saw the Cribs episode where someone’s mirror (at their personal hairdressing salon within their house) turned into a TV. Nothing beats that.

Wiz Khalifa’s budget Barbican

Wiz has this big ass wall behind his car collection and I just don’t understand it.

John Stamos’ Disney d

John Stamos purchased a WHOLE Disney sign (yes he has all the other letters) off eBay, because clearly he didn’t get the memo that being into Disney as an adult is fuckin’ lame. Also, even weirder: Guess who was betting against John on eBay for the sign? Michael Jackson. Yeesh.

David Dobrik’s neon ‘clickbait’ sign

You know when you draw attention to a spot by pointing it out so no one has the chance to see it and point it out themselves? Like a form of self acknowledgement? You’re like “haha I know I have this awful spot, lol” but really you’d be better off just not pointing it out in the first place? That is what David Dobrik is doing with this Clickbait sign and I hate it. It’s a disservice to neon signs everywhere. Tracey Emin would die.

Scott Disick’s double island kitchen

This is the problem with having too much money. One island is enough. it’s meant to be the centre of a room. Two islands is just stupid and it looks like a Maccies cooking area but marble.

This room in Robert Downey Jr’s house

This looks like that strange nightmarish picture that asks you to identify one item and you just… can’t? His wife talks about trying to meditate in this living room in the AD video and all I can think is HOW? Also, an aside: her shower is terrifying.

I need to rewatch Dakota Johnson’s AD home tour to calm down after seeing all of those. Goodbye.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• Inside the tacky homes of the Love Island cast: What do their houses really look like?

• Gigi Hadid shared interior pictures of her apartment and it’s giving me a headache

• This is how much it costs to live in the houses from nostalgic cult TV shows