Hold on tight spidermonkey: These 23 dumb Twilight moments prove it’s a complete mess

Okay Google, how do vampires have kids

For the two-or-so-hours that it takes to watch each installment of the Twilight series, the watcher turns back into that 13-year-old girl, playing with scoobies in the playground and gushing over whichever side they’ve chosen; Team Edward or Team Jacob. Not that that’s me, or anything. But have you watched it back recently and realised just how stupid this franchise is?

Yeah, it’s all make-believe but really. The whole thing seriously defies any normal logic, and in a hypothetical world that is only fictional for its inclusion of vampires and werewolves, this is troubling. Whether it’s Bella’s insistence to obsess over a murderous thousand-year-old psychopath, or her family being the most dysfunctional in the whole of America, even Pattinson himself thinks the whole thing is one big joke. So chuck your belongings in your pickup, and come with me to Forks to understand every reason that Twilight is completely dumb.

Let’s start with the obvious – on paper, Edward resembles anything but alluring

Yeah, he’s good looking, but that is the only reason she could possibly still be obsessed with him. Are we supposed to be attracted to people that act so aloof? Or people that express the desire to kill us? Or those that seem repulsed by us?

If any other murderous pale bloke expressed an interest, you’d run a mile, but because you’ve fetishised him for the fact that he’s a murderous pale bloke, it’s all good. On that matter, their appearance really ought to give them away easily – when have you ever seen a person that looks remotely like this bunch? If I had a doctor that looked like Carlisle, licking his lips as he mopped up my wounds, I’d certainly be questioning his whole vibe.

He takes a few weeks absence from school for finding her pongy

Because yeah, why not just miss a week here or there? It’s funny because it just seems to go completely unquestioned by any authority, classmate or teacher.

And then when he does return, he strings a few words into a sentence or two, and it justifies everything. Nice.

Every answer about vampires and werewolves is but a Google search away

You’d think that the secret would be let out by now. It really is amazing how they need only do a quick Google search to find out all this information on vampires and werewolves. You’d think everyone would know all about them if this kind of information is so clearly in the public domain. To be fair, fuck going to a library when you literally just need to type “vampire baby” into a search engine.

So nobody of the 50+ people in the school car park saw Edward travel 30ft to save Bella from the car?

And that’s just fine.

How can we take a plot seriously when the main character ruins everything for the Cullens, as well as for herself?

Arguably, half of the shit that goes down in the series wouldn’t have otherwise happened if Bella didn’t have such a fascination with Edward – she is quite literally responsible for the deaths of many people, for compromising the secrecy and longstanding tradition of vampires.

I mean, just imagine if the three nomadic vamp-weirdos hadn’t eyed up Bella as a snack during the whole baseball scene? We wouldn’t even be writing this article, because murderous hunter James wouldn’t have gone trying to chase her. Yeah, I know they were killing others, but the Cullens would likely be a lot better off if it weren’t for Bella.

Edward literally begs Bella not to be with him because he’ll kill her

And she does not give a shit. Where is the logic here?

Even after all the fucked up stuff happens, Bella still wants to be a vampire

“About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be- that thirsted for my blood. and third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

Oh, and fourthly that I literally romanticised the evil and murder. Epic bruh moment from Bella. Danger is around every corner – she literally gets a paper cut from unwrapping a gift and Jasper tries to fucking chomp on her neck. Does that deter her? Of course not.

The Swan family are the most dysfunctional family going, but that’s hardly any reason to escape

Whether it’s Bella treating her dad like a piece of shit throughout the whole series by not keeping him in the loop with what she’s doing or where she is (broken hands, broken legs, you name it), or her mum that chooses her baseball player boyfriend over her, 17-year-old Bella’s family has serious communication issues.

Or how about when Bella gets pregnant, so just completely avoids her dad for the whole thing? Bizarre.

The only sensical moment is when Edward breaks up with her

He knows that he’s putting Bella’s life in danger, he ought to know that she’s putting his in danger, so he ends things. She is upset for an entire year, and that should be that.

Edward Cullen: Bella, you gotta go to Jacksonville. So I can’t hurt you anymore.
Bella Swan: What?! Are you? No! No! How? I don’t even know what you’re saying. What are you talking about? You just want me to go away? No! I can’t! I can’t just leave you, I can’t just leave you!

BUT Edward starts to appear in random apparitions when she does stupid stuff

Really? Is she just imagining things or is this actually one of his powers? Regardless, she still thinks it’s a good idea to go off with some random biker gang to try and tempt this weird ghost of Edward back, in the hope of getting him to intervene.

Jacob suddenly goes through puberty in the blink of an eye

Aside from the fact that he’s described as 6’7 in the books, he also goes through a truly shocking transformation in what seems like far too short a time period. One minute he’s looking like he lights incense and counts Glastonbury as a second home, the next he’s shorn and brimming with muscle. Madness.

Edward tries to kill himself just because he has second hand information that Bella jumped from a cliff

People always seem to forget that Edward tries to pull a move that can only be described as Shakespearian, attempting to kill himself in Italy after falsely believing that Bella had killed herself. Turns out Alice’s vision of her jumping off a cliff was literally just that – Bella jumping into water.

Weird how he seems far more distraught at the rumoured idea of her death and decides to try and get himself killed in this film, than later in the series when Bella actually does die.

Jacob wants to kiss Bella, so he forcefully kisses her against her will

Jacob puts on all this shpiel about being a good bloke, but then forces himself on Bella when she has expressed that she doesn’t want anything to do with him romantically.

She predictably retaliates, punching him and spraining her hand

Is there any real concern from her friends and family though? Don’t be stupid, of course not.

Edward threatens Jacob, but then goes back on it all and tells Jacob he can kiss her

No joking, he literally says that Jacob is only allowed to kiss her if she asks him to.

“You’re not allowed to kiss my girlfriend. Unless she asks you to, in which case you go for it, king 👑👑👑”

And then she DOES ask Jacob to kiss her!

On their little camping trip, Jacob hears that the couple are planning on getting married so he leaves. She goes to find him and asks for a kiss, so he obviously does.

Bella has given everything up for Edward, but now decides that she has fallen in love with Jacob

Wait wait wait but it’s okay, because she tells Edward that she loves him MORE.

We’re led to believe that Jacob isn’t at the wedding, but then he turns up in the bushes

What do you say to the boy that you have history with, at your own wedding, to avoid conflict?

A. Hey! How have you been?

B. It’s good to see you, I hope you’re okay.

C. Me and Eddy are going to fuck, deal 👏 with 👏 it 👏

Jacob has to be PHYSICALLY RESTRAINED from going batshit over a man having sex with his wife

His family are thankfully all lurking in the shadows to stop him though.

Bella is pretty ill until she drinks blood, but then everything is okay until BAM, broken back baby!

You know the old wive’s tale: one minute you’re sharing baby names with your pals, the next your back is broken and you’re squirming on the floor in agony.

When Jacob thinks Bella has died, he tries to kill Renesme – like that would solve anything

You may think your brain made it up, but to get back at Bella dying, he actually attempts to kill her baby daughter as it’s fresh out of the oven. Would that really help anything? That’s no kind of revenge.

But then he imprints on her…

Nothing wrong with that! Oh, until Bella find out and goes full rage.

But again, if there’s anyone to get out of a situation with a level headed explanation, it’s Jacob: “Nooo, I don’t want to have sex with her NOW! I want to have sex with her when she’s all nice and grown-up.”

Bella’s dad is simultaneously the most level-headed person and the biggest loser in the entire film

By the end of the series, he’s got Bella from his ex-wife, lost her multiple times for multiple longwinded reasons, has to attempt contact with the elusive Cullens for updates, for he believes that she’s gravely ill. It’s a tragedy, and he’s the main victim.

There’s a whole fight scene that doesn’t even end up being real

As soon as the first “it was all just a dream” was pulled on audiences, you would’ve thought that writers and directors alike would know to steer clear of this as a method in film. Nope!

We’re treated to an amazingly long fight scene, where we’re led to believe that multiple key characters are killed (including the head of the Vulturi, MichaelSheenvampire), before it all suddenly throws us back into the present world where MichaelSheenvampire is seeing the future, pre-fight. Absolute shocker.

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