It’s time someone said it: Zoom group calls are exhausting and we should be done with them

God, I’m so bored of Zoom.

I’m fed up of seeing my mates in 240p. The endless quizzes, the people I don’t care enough about to be speaking to on a bi-weekly basis, all of the bullshit. What was wrong with the way we used to do it, meeting up once every six months and settling for good old phone calls? The obligatory fortnightly phone-in with the parents and in-laws has become an all too ugly twice-weekly occurrence. It is officially time to STOP.

Yes, there are occasional injections of fun into proceedings – for instance, the changeable background won’t be losing its appeal any time soon, but that’s really where it ends.

Zoom calls are the absolute worst, and it’s high time that we stop them right where they stand, now and forever. Amen.

There is NEVER enough terrible quizzes to be had

Probably the most important factor in my anger towards the new world order of all things Zoom is the endless quizzes. Whether it’s your older relatives click-clacking their mouse all over the desk looking for the share screen function, or the ONE PERSON with a shitty microphone that decides its a good idea to do a music round with audio from their phone, they’re a fucking nightmare from start to end.

The family group chat is first, then comes several different groups from work friends to uni mates. Then there’s no moderation, no way of properly checking answers, and someone always does a stupid round that nobody knows the answers to just because they themselves know the answers.

No thanks, I’ll pass.

Weak internet makes the experience 10x more painful

Even if you have slightly weak internet, Zoom will contort and pixelate your face into some abstract cubic mishmash of blockish colours. It’s painful.

Or there will be a lapse of silence before the audio catches up super quickly and you lose whatever the person said. Both of these things can contribute to people talking over each other, having to type responses to questions as opposed to speaking.

But it wouldn’t be so bad if everyone didn’t talk over each other 🙂

There’s nothing that strikes more fear into the heart of the hater of Zoom calls than when someone asks an open question like “How is everyone?”. Are you the kind of person that will nicely sit and wait, or will you jump at the chance to go first? It turns out it doesn’t fucking matter either way, because there will be at least three other people doing the exact same as whatever choice you decide on.

Good internet or not, the lack of being with people in person has eroded the strong social boundaries that we’ve long established as Brits. “HA HA HA, your common human law is contradicted by the constitution of the internet. We’re talking online, so I shall speak when I please!”. Like yeah, okay, let’s just have three people talk at a time – it’s then so much easier to hear what you’re all trying to say when someone’s talking about what they had for dinner while someone else is on about how they’re in the best shape of their life. UGH.

We actually have to talk to more people because of it – you’re speaking to people you don’t even like!

What could be worse than parting with some of your hard-earned time? Parting with your hard-earned time with people that you wouldn’t otherwise be talking to.

Why am I suddenly in group calls with the person that I spoke to less than 10 times during my entire university experience?

People get carried away with themselves talking about topics you have zero interest in

And literally all you can do is sit there and come to the acceptance that you are but a passenger, on the bus headed to a long and prosaic conversation on which varieties of bread people in the chat are making right now.

You think you’re better than me because you put olives in your bread rather than my of rather conservative dried herbs?

You have to set up a new meeting every 40 minutes if you don’t pay

If you have the money to pay for Zoom, you’re either extremely wealthy or in need of a financial advisor.

You’re lucky if you have a family/friends that will be satisfied with a <40 minute call, but if you’re unfortunate enough to be anything like me, you’ll have to put up with your distant relatives being absolutely flummoxed at the idea of having to exit a chat and then rejoin a new one. Is it really that hard?? For those with needy parents/friends and shallow pockets, it’s an absolute nuisance to have to set up a new call when the existing one has expired.

What?? You STILL have to make an effort with your appearance?!

I know it depends on the individual, and it’s a laptop set up in your living room at the end of the day, but you have to appear somewhat presentable when you’re going to be on camera, right?

For those that are still working from home and rely on zoom calls, it’s that extra unneeded step to have to clear the sleep from your eyes, push the empty bottles and cans out of the camera shot and actually grab something to cover your top half.

On that matter, you have to be conscientious when it comes to the camera setup too

Correct lighting, ensuring that there’s no mirrors behind you that could compromise you or others, ensuring that there’s no family/housemates that could embarass you both visual and aurally. Or you could really fuck it and just forget that you’re on camera altogether. Don’t be like Ben:

Attempts to brighten things fall flat SO quickly

Wear a whacky silly pair of shoes for this extra whacky silly quiz, amigos 😜🤠😂

It’s 2020 and the quality is still soooooo bad

I touched on it in the intro, but nah, this is a point in itself.

Is there absolutely no way that in this day and age we can’t have full HD video and audio that doesn’t sound like it’s been put through a washing machine first? I mean, I don’t know anything – I did a film degree for god’s sake, but it’s 2020. Put this shit in your manifestos, politicians. #harryainsworth2020

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