Tatler’s guide to coronavirus stockpiling is the most Tory thing ever

Desperate to feel something, anything, this weekend, I took myself along to my local in a not-not-gentrified part of London. In search of pesto and pasta for a sadboy dinner, I was instead met with a scene.

The yummy mummies of Dulwich had been stockpiling, but not for the essentials. Whilst the own brand baked beans and ready salted Walkers remained on the shelves, there was only emptiness where the quinoa and Tyrell’s crisps once sat. Blended olive oils were untouched, but the high-end first-pressing good stuff was ransacked.

Where had they gotten these ideas? Would they be having a dinner party whilst self-isolating? One can only conclude they had read Tatler’s unbelievably bougie guide to stockpiling and had a mild panic that they weren’t quite ready for the possibility they had to self-isolate with someone from Durham uni.

This is what they recommend you stockpile, in their definitely-serious guide.

Anything from the Harrods fish counter

Tatler say you will be needing a “seafood risotto” or even oysters for your self-isolation. This explains the loo roll stockpiling.

Creme de la Mer moisturiser

If you’re in the market for some top-of-the-line moisturiser after washing your hands like Lady Macbeth for a couple of weeks, you can do no better than Creme de la Mer. Tatler call it “caviar for your skin”.

£1550 will get you 500ml of the stuff.

Caviar and preserves from Fortnum’s (that’s Fortnum and Mason, peasant)

Naturally, you will need to stock up on the most on-brand fish egg snack you can. You don’t want them to find your corpse next to empty tubs of taramasalata, do you now?

Chocolate truffles and fresh truffles

Think higher than olive oil and parmesan – truffle oil and truffle shavings.

Bottled water

Tatler recommend a 15 litre bottle of water, just because.

Chateau Petrus wine

A copy of Tatler

Seeing as we’re regurgitating their article, it’d be remiss of us to leave out Tatler’s suggestion that you subscribe to their magazine.

Cucumber

Tatler are insistent you’ll somehow be going to a spa day, and therefore in need of cucumber for your eyes.

However, in a very fair point, they observe the humble cucumber’s remarkable versatility without resorting to innuendo. It’s got you covered for G&Ts, salads, and face masks. The cheapest item on the list.

Bamboo loo roll

Is £48 for 40 rolls of toilet paper a good deal? In this economy, it’s not for us to say.

I’m actually astonished at how practical this is – they’ll deliver the rolls to your door and donate half of the profits to charity.

Grom ice cream

Whilst “grom” sounds like a weird sex act, it is in fact high-end ice cream.

Retailing for £7 a tub at Waitrose, the gelato comes with a decent sales pitch: “In a blind degustation, the egg of a hen who is free to graze and grow is easily recognized by its clean and natural flavor. We want the same thing to happen when you taste our gelato.”

Ottolenghi spice hamper

As a rule, I will not survive unless I have the following spices within 10 metres:
Sumac
Ground cardamom
Mahleb
Baharat
Palastinian za’atar
Altino sweet pepper flakes
Urfa chilli flakes
Ground dried lime
Nigella seeds
Allspice
Annatto seeds
Aniseed
Aleppo chilli flakes
Szechuan peppercorns
Ground star anise
Chipotle chilli flakes

COOK frozen desserts

Okay I can’t lie these look tasty. Sure, they’re quite expensive, but if lockdown puts the pub out of bounds what else are we going to spend our money on?

Belvoir cordial

Prefer Bottlegreen myself, but in a pandemic-induced societal breakdown beggars can’t be choosers. I’ll fight off the raiders if it means all my drinks can taste like elderflower.

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