VOTE: Which uni has the biggest Tory energy?

Tory energy at uni is getting super passive-aggressive about splitting a restaurant bill with your flatmates. It's being a student landlord because your parents thought it'd be cheaper to buy than throw 18 grand into the wind. It's when everything you do is tainted with self-righteousness and importance. It's thinking your parents worked harder than everyone else for their £80,000+ salaries.

Having Tory energy at uni isn't actually about voting for the Conservative party, it's just a way of life. But which uni has the biggest Tory energy?

Brookes

Imagine your parents spend so much money to put you through private school and you still get shit grades and end up at Brookes. The uni has pre-professional Tory energy, with students obsessed with their LinkedIn connections and almost certainly going into property after graduation They'll be smoking straights in Bridge, flexing their signet rings and talking about an upcoming "internship", which is actually just working for their dad's mate.

Cambridge

Cambridge is full of classic Tories because the university's entire mood is tradition > everything. Expect siggy rings, Barbour jackets and a complete lack of self-awareness. This university harbours the type of people who think debating resolves everything and is somehow more important than people's lived experiences. The Tory energy at Cambridge is serious though. These people will actually grow up to be MPs. They will be politicians and one day be making decisions on behalf of the whole country.

Oxford

The slightly less lame Tory cousin of Cambridge, Oxford houses the type of Tory students who may even consider voting Labour for a second, before they realise they couldn't betray their family like that. The Tories of Oxford actually go out, have normal-people hobbies and blend in with everyone else. They'll have a second home in London, where they always crash after a big night. These Tories will desperately try to erase all signs of wealth and adopt a new persona on the very first day of uni. Embarrassingly, they will use slang in the wrong context when trying to "speak street." They're the fit Tories, you'll never regret shagging. You hope they can one day change their politics, but their "intelligence" will outlast your silly efforts.

Exeter

Exeter is not diverse in any way and it's just very rah. The student body doesn't interrogate its political beliefs because the people at Exeter have been surrounded by the same people their entire lives. Just look at the Forum and the kind of people walking there every day. That rugby boy in the corner over there? He'll be grinding up against you in TP later this week and that's the only thing he cares about. He won't want ever talk about politics because it makes him deeply uncomfortable.

Bristol

Bristol will have you fooled. It may be a "woke" university on the surface but that's where all the shy Tories live. Sure, they went to "find themselves" on a yoga retreat in India last summer, they're vegan and are crazy about protecting the environment, but they're still going to vote Conservative because they don't want to lose their inheritance from mummy and daddy. How else would their pointless gallivanting around the world be funded?

York

Possibly the most miserable student Tories living in the UK right now attend York University. They just moan all the time and bathe in dullness. The reason they vote Tory is because they don't like change.

Warwick

Have you ever met an internet Tory? The one who lives on Reddit and just loves shitposting in Facebook groups like Young Liberal Society and The Cabinet? They're quiet, wear very bland coloured hoodies from GAP and spend most of their time arguing with people on Twitter. This is exactly the type of Tory energy Warwick exudes. They'll spend all day being quiet in the Grid, equally lame in Smack and then go home to live their entire double life online.

Durham

Durham is for the Tories who have the full package. They don't even hide it. They live in a big house in the countryside, they know how to horse ride and they have definitely shot an animal before. They have very red cheeks and wish we'd "just get on with Brexit." Don't be fooled by Durham's fashion show pictures, the uni is full of bread and butter Tories. They literally have an accommodation called Castle and it's … an actual castle.

St Andrews

Like Durham, but smaller and even more posh.

Edinburgh

Sure, not all royals are necessarily Tories, but the only people who seem to still support the monarchy are Tories. And a lot of royals seem to go to Edinburgh, so it's not exactly a coincidence is it?

Southampton

Tories in Southampton? Well duh, where else do you think the Fiat 500 Tories go? Southampton is basic (sorry) the students there have never cleaned their house or cooked a meal in their life. If you want to see second generation Tories, go to Southampton.

Recommended stories by this writer:

• Quiz: What percentage Tory are you really?

• A look at the Tories of Bumble, how posh guys in tweed try to find love

• Just because I’m a Tory doesn’t mean I eat with a silver spoon and hate poor people