Ranking all the Love Island boys on how good they would probably be in bed
We're four days into this year's Love Island and there's a few things we're all certain on, like who we would personally match up with and who we want to be dumped from the island first.
But there's one thing we all need to figure out ASAP, and that's who is going to be the best, and worst, in bed.
Based on how well they kissed in the most recent challenge and their general demeanour, we've broken down exactly who's going to be 10/10 in the sheets and who definitely won't be getting any Hideaway action anytime soon.
Eyal – 9/10
Yeah there might be some panpipes playing softly in the background, incense burning and a solid five minute break where you have to look deep into each others eyes, trying to connect beyond the physical here and now and into a parallel universe for some "depth" – but Eyal is no missionary man.
From what we've seen, he definitely doesn't have vanilla sex. Describing himself as having "a fun energy" and a "spiritual person" with "depth", the sex would no doubt go on forever, like some tantric, ceremonial act, straight out of the Karma Sutra.
He's the type of guy that would go down on you for however long it takes, frequently popping up to remind you "I could do this all day" – and he genuinely means it.
Wes – 8/10
If a man is spending £1,000 on one date, he's going to be good in bed. Self-proclaimed to have a "big wang", Wes is the type of bloke to have clean bed sheets, mood lighting and a laid back sexy vibe playlist which will be the backdrop for when he makes love to you.
He's been relatively quiet in the house, but from his kiss with Laura you could feel the varying pressure he was applying to her lips through the screen, verifying he's a dark horse in bed. He'd definitely let you stay over, give you a clean towel and make you breakfast and pay for your Uber home the morning after, the dreamboat.
Jack – 7/10
Jack would be a good laugh in bed – one of those where it's a bit stop and start because he'll piss himself when you queef or he'll make a big thing about shagging with his socks still on.
As a "passionate, energetic and cheeky" man in the sack, it would be hard to believe Jack could really switch off from his day-job, and try and make your time together one big transaction. As someone who sells pens for a living, he'd probably try and sell his own penis with a crass joke like "I've got something which will leave a permanent marker on your fanny."
Regardless you'd let this borderline shit chat pass as being intrinsic to his personality and find it sweet. You'll go through all the usual moves until you both finish. Satisfied, he's the most likely to go in for a high tens at the end.
Niall – 5/10
Niall's desperate to become the cheeky-chappy stereotype of the villa, and his love of Harry Potter is nothing but unsexy. From the amount of times he drops "yeah I've got Hermione's wand tattooed on my arm", there's no doubt he'd say something like "alohomora" when going between your legs or "wingardium leviosa" when receiving a hand job.
He described his performance in the most recent challenge as "tongue-a-licious" meaning he could either be decent going down on you, or manically kissing you like a Basset-Hound – maybe both.
But from what we're seeing already and his constant comparisons between his and Alex's abs, Niall is unbelievably insecure. Meaning he'd probably only shag with the lights off and would insist on getting fully dressed as soon as the sex was over.
Overall, Niall's probably like a one-night stand: a bit of fun but relatively unsatisfactory, with many cringe moments along the way – like when he gets a recorder out and tries to use it as a sex toy.
Adam – 4/10
Anyone who describes themselves as "flamboyant, fun and quick" in bed is basically admitting the longest they can go for is five minutes. And once he's done with those five minutes, he's not going for a round two to please you.
Adam is definitely a set-menu kind of guy, where he has his routine of starter, main and dessert when it comes to sex. It would probably go something like this: kissing for a minute, blowjob for another minute (because remember, he is "quick"), then sex in doggy style position for three minutes which for him is "flamboyant and fun".
He might have a body and face which has been replicated from Adonis himself, but describing yourself as finishing fast isn't pleasing anyone.
Alex – 3/10
This is a man who wears a quilted jacket inside the villa whilst in bed in Spain, wears a retainer on Love Island, and describes himself as being "proud of being tall" and "kind".
Cut to the chase – Alex wouldn't have a fucking clue. Yeah he might be a doctor and biologically know how sex works and the functions of reproducing, but he doesn't know how to make a girl come. He can point to where a clit is on a blackboard, but when faced with a real life vagina he'd be clueless.
And maybe that's not his fault – he works 12 hour shifts on the A&E ward, probably never gets a weekend off meaning his availability to shag is massively lowered – no wonder he was so awkward when going in for a kiss with Hayley.
In bed would be apologetic, constantly ask for reassurance like "is this okay?" and "am I doing it right". It'll all end with you fake orgasming or going on top to get it over and done with.
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