Imagining if the Love Island cast were uni stereotypes
Hayley would definitely be a psychology girl
Most of the people in the Love Island villa this year are in their early 20s, but only Niall and Alex went to university. The rest of the Islanders have missed out on three years of VK, cheap club entry and creating a second home in the library.
But they've also missed out on becoming a uni stereotype, one defined by your course, what society you were in and how many people you slept with to determine your BNOC status. So we've decided that if all the Islanders had gone on to higher education rather than careers in modelling, selling pens and working in a shoe shop, this is what their uni persona would be:
Hayley – Psychology girl
You can imagine Hayley walking into her psychology lecture, marble phone case in one hand, a Starbucks in the other. She'd be in a pair of UGGs and her hair in a messy bun.
It's a well-known fact psychology girls are the most beautiful on campus. Despite always carrying two huge binders full of perfectly organised work, they spend more time getting ready for lectures and making sure their hair is perfectly waved and face contoured than studying.
Hayley would live in a house of six girls who take four hours to get ready before a night out in a club which requires you to wear dress and heels – like a Tiger Tiger or Revs. She would be the one with a car – a cream Fiat 500 no less – and would definitely drive her and all the other girls to lectures, despite it only being a ten minute walk from the house.
She's already shown her skill in reverse psychology, interrogating Eyal on his game plan and managing to make him look a right mug.
Niall – The house baby
If Niall was at uni he would eat cereal all day every day and wouldn't quite understand how the oven works. He'd depend on everyone else to function, whether that's washing his clothes or explaining the concept of a direct debit to pay the rent.
As the house baby, he would need constant reassurance. Reassurance that a 2:2 may still land him a job somewhere, that being £750 in his overdraft after two weeks of term starting isn't so bad, and that being a rainbow fish is the best kind of fish.
Eyal – the organic vegan gap year wanker who studies Philosophy
You've been on a big night out and headed back to an afters. It's pretty busy, and everyone is still on it. The vibe is right, these people are just like you and want a few more bumps here and there before heading home after another fun night out.
But then you accidentally start talking to this guy on the sofa, who's wearing a bucket hat, a vest and Adidas trackies, watching a lava lamp. He then asks the room "but what does it all mean?" before arguing meat-eaters are evil and that the full moon is providing the night with positive energy and kindness.
He introduces himself as Eyal, a Philosophy student who really found himself after seeing the Taj Mahal and the beach where "The Beach" was filmed. His room smells of incense, is littered with little buddha statues and there's a big wall-hanging above his bed which he got off Amazon (he claims it's from Bali). There's some prayer flags knocking around and when you ask what they say, he replies "whatever you want them to say, man".
Sure he might look scruffy, permanently wearing traveller hareem pants and refusing to wear brands, but this guy is absolutely loaded and his parents have already paid off his student loan and bank transfer him £150 a week to subsidise his Ocado shop. He might be doing a Philosophy degree, but his dad's already got him a job lined up at the big four for when he graduates.
Kendall – the one who loves going home and is in a five year relationship with her school sweetheart
"What you up to this weekend Kendall?", "Awh my boyfriend is coming down and we're just gonna chill out, maybe go to Pizza Express and the cinema", is the conversation Kendall would have with her flatmates every week if she was at uni. She'd be clinging on to her school sweetheart, who she aims to get engaged to and have a mortgage sorted as soon as she's graduated.
Kendall would be relatively wholesome, and rather than go out clubbing she'd sit at home baking whilst on FaceTime to her boyfriend, wearing no make up and a big dressing gown – a bit like a sad girl. On the rare occasion you get her out in the club, she's either manically texting bae on the dance floor, or crying hysterically in the girls' toilets because she "accidentally" kissed one of the rugby boys.
Her uni career would bumble along quietly, spending most of the time studying or in her room watching Netflix, or on a train to Southampton where her boyfriend is at university. A nice addition to the house, but not essential.
Adam – the promoter
Getting girls is easy for Adam, and he knows it. He spends all day in the uni gym perfecting his body to look like a crumpled crisp packet, Instagramming his progress along the way with captions like "work hard play hard" and "leg day". His Bumble bio says nothing but the club he works for and his number, with the promise of a free shot and VIP entry.
He would do Sports Science at uni but spend most of his time knocking on hall doors trying to sell tickets for Pryzm. His BNOC status means he presumes every girl will fall to his feet for him, just like how he "knows" Rosie will want to pick him in the coupling. So it completely knocks him for six when a girl doesn't want to kiss him, a legendary promoter, like Kendall.
It's too much for a his little mind to comprehend – but that's okay, because he's so good looking he knows he'll be able to charm another girl to kiss (but not spoon) any time he likes when he offers her a free bottle of house vodka in the VIP area.
Samira – the hockey girl
Samira is the kind of girl you would find barging past a patient queue of girls waiting to use the loo in a club, bashing on cubicle doors several times shouting "CAN YOU HURRY UP PLEASE!!!!!!" Most likely in a sports club, probably hockey or netball, Samira would be a social climber, already super popular and known by most people on campus.
You can imagine Samira drinking vodka cranberry at pre-drinks, who would during a game of never have I ever ask a question that only she can drink to so she can impress everyone. For example, "never have I ever had a thing with a Hollywood actor, specifically Chris Pine."
She would be unbelievably loyal to the fellow sports gals, but the moment she feels threatened the gloves would come off – like finding out there's ANOTHER dancer in the house (she better not have been on the West End!!!!)
Alex – studies sciences, probably Physics, plays Ultimate Frisbee
Alex would be relatively quiet in halls and study a science subject, most likely Physics. He wouldn't understand how to talk to girls, his mum definitely still buys his clothes, and once a week she drives up to his house and drops off tupperware after tupperware of spag bol and chicken curry.
He'd amble through uni and find a quiet girlfriend who would jump to the title of being "the mother of my children".
Wes – the lowkey Engineer who pulls more than everyone
Engineers lay low at uni, but always end up being the most surprising in many different aspects: they're always the fittest guys, have the best chat and are going to be the most successful. They're probably also the best in bed.
Probably like how Wes would be if he was studying Nuclear Engineering at uni. The underdog of the house, who shocks everyone when he brings home a 12/10 and shows the £1,000 bill for the date they've just been on.
Jack – studies Business Management and is only there for a 2:2 and a good time
Jack thought studying Business Management would guarantee him to become the next Lord Alan Sugar. But after a month of learning about marketing strategies and how to plot graphs, he quickly realised he would make money faster selling pens than this bullshit.
So he settles for the bare minimum, picking modules which involve presentations and group work assessment over exams and coursework. Jack would rarely attend lectures, and instead send the same message down the group chat every week: "Can I borrow someone's lecture notes pleeeeease?"
For him, a 2:2 is the dream, so his time is spent acting like a fresher, right up to his finals. He can be seen a club photo for each night of the week, always doing the shaka pose in one hand, Carling in the other. He's best mates with his favourite kebab shop owner, which is where the most of his money goes.
Dani – the liability
Dani would be the one who religiously drinks 2 for £5 wine and can strawpeedo a VK faster than anyone. She would be essential for a night out, knows all the drinking games and has the best pre-drinks playlist.
But once in the club, she'd be gone, lost to the night and never seen again. The only times you'll see her is behind the DJ decks taking endless selfies (she got up there after telling the DJ she's Danny Dyer's daughter), or at 4am with her face in a tray of cheesy chips, with one of her blow-dried eyelashes halfway down her face.
Laura – the mature student who can't let go
Laura graduated nine years ago, and is still clinging on to uni life by working in the SU. She's broken and weathered after trying to keep up the uni lifestyle of going out everyday of the week and living off pesto pasta. Yet she ploughs on, pulling guys on sports night that are nearly a decade younger than her, and desperately tries to avoid them when they pop into the SU the next day because they've lost their student card.
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