If you do any of these 83 things you are undeniably a ‘sad girl’
You own a hot water bottle and have a drawer dedicated to chocolate
It's easy to recognise whether you live in a sad girl house: there's empty mugs everywhere, packets of contraception pills lying around and foundation-covered finger marks are painted on the walls.
But to be in a sad girl house requires the members of the house to be sad-girls themselves. But what specifically makes up a sad girl, to qualify her as part of the sad girl house?
You probably spend half your day watching ITV and have Alberto Balsam shampoo for starters, but if you do any of these 83 things, you can proudly join the sad girl club.
1. Watch The Chase, Tipping Point or Come Dine With Me before doing anything with the day
A day is literally unsuccessful if you miss these shows.
2. Have at least three dressing gowns: one for getting ready, one for cosying up on the sofa, one for after a shower
All three are essential and are not to be mixed up. An old fourth crusty one will be produced if one of the important dressing gowns are in the wash.
3. Own a lot of recipe books, but only ever make stir fry
Sure, you could make a tuna Niçoise salad from Lean in 15, or Thai fish cakes on a bed of chilli noodles with a satay dipping sauce from Jamie Oliver's 15 minute meals. You could make anything you want from anywhere in the world thanks to the library of cookbooks proudly sat in the kitchen. But in reality, you’ll stick to a diet of Tesco stir-fry meal deals, and think the addition of sweet chilli sauce makes it real exciting.
4. Have a chocolate drawer or some kind of box beside your bed
5. Have a designated seat in the lounge
This is my spot, my mug is still here from last week and my blanket is perfectly shaped so I can just sit right back how I was yesterday.
6. Drink lots of Echo Falls out of a small stubby wine glass
You’ve broken the other three wine glasses you once owned, and only one remains. It’s tiny, like one you’d find in a cheap Italian restaurant. But it gives you a real air of sophistication, which is a welcome change in your sad-girl house.
7. Signed up to a gym membership, but never goes
The intention is there: you come down the stairs, fully dressed in lycra with hair scraped back. Today’s agenda is a 20 minute run, 20 minutes on the bike and 10 mins on abs.
That’s until you go to say goodbye to your housemates, who are sat on the sofa watching Four in a Bed, inviting you to help yourself to the massive bowl of Betty Crocker cake mix they've just made. At least you tried.
8. Never be seen without both hands cupped around a mug of tea
The only time you’re not holding one is when you’re making another.
9. Insist on listening to one of the following songs before going out: Natasha Beddingfield – Unwritten, Shania Twain – That Don’t Impress Me Much, or anything by ABBA.
No one is allowed to get in the taxi before you’ve hit the key change.
10. Broadcast every text received to you from a boy to the rest of the house, and analyse and evaluate the message in FBI detail
Michael's sent three kisses and everyone has fully lost their mind. What do they mean? Why three? Why now? It must be love.
11. Every single selfie you Instagram is also analysed before posting from the 1,000 options
Then everyone acts shocked and comments “omg queen that’s my best friend” when it gets posted.
12. Alway use Moonpig for birthday cards
Making the OK! magazine style one is your fave.
13. Plan what the group is drinking in the morning of going out
You all need to be on the same wavelength tonight, so you always make the call of what you’re all drinking for pres. Usually a 70cl of vodka and cranberry juice.
14. Still going out with your school sweetheart
You’ve never used Tinder and Bumble and quite frankly it all seems a bit of an effort. Sticking with Sam for the fourth year running isn’t the most fun decision, but it’s definitely the easiest.
15. Have chipped nails
Barry M wasn't just a 14-year-old phase for you, it was a lifestyle choice. Despite owning a base coat, all the colours and top coat, your nails never look perfect.
16. Bake on the weekend rather than go out
Flapjacks over hangovers!
17. Still buy DVDs to add to the ever growing rom-com collection
You don’t have a DVD player, but you have the ability to watch Love Actually, Wild Child, 10 Things I Hate About You and Maid in Manhattan if one happens to come along.
18. Get really upset when the milk has run out
This is an existential crisis and the whole of Twitter needs to know about it.
19. Love the Superzoom feature on Instagram for everything
Pic of a dog? Superzoom. The library? Superzoom. Funeral? Superzoom.
20. Use Alberto Balsam shampoo and conditioner
"It's always on offer!", you love telling everyone.
21. There’s always room for one more blanket or cushion on your bed
There’s a heart shaped cushion, a shaggy cushion, a geometric one, a couple of plain ones but there is definitely room for one more. Making the bed in the morning takes about ten minutes.
22. Know all the words to the script of Angus, Thongs & Perfect Snogging and have to recite them when watching the film
I wrote a song about you. Really? Yeah, it's called 'Bitch in Uniform'.
23. There’s at least one piece of Cath Kidston bedding in your room
Most likely a duvet set with polka dots on one side and floral on the other.
24. Still have your childhood toy in your room
Sleep just isn’t the same without Cuddles the bear to hold onto.
25. Own something which says Live Laugh Love on it
Probably a wall hanging or on a coaster.
26. Go ALL OUT on birthday decorations
It is vital the sad-girl house is fully decorated for a flatmate’s birthday. Birthday banners which are still up from the last person’s birthday are straightened out to look brand new, balloons cover the floor and someone’s even made a three tier red velvet cake.
27. Find it impossible to walk anywhere without linking arms with the person you're with
As soon as you're outside it’s like a magnetic force drives you to scoop your arm through the nearest elbow. You’ll continue to link everywhere, and absolutely hate it when you’re forced to unlink thanks to someone not moving out your way.
28. Own at least one item from Tiffany & Co and still have the box despite nothing being in it
It’s sentimental okay ??
29. Take the same group selfie before a night out, in the same place with the best lighting, just in different outfits
The process goes on forever, but you refuse to go out until everyone is happy and until you’ve put it on all social media platforms possible.
30. Always want to go to the club early
The idea of queuing for two hours and not getting in and not dancing with the gals or getting a club pic terrifies you.
31. Leave the club unbelievably early because you get hungry
You’ve gone a little bit moody because you can’t stop thinking about cheesy chips, and tbh it’s impossible to dance along to Drake when the kebab shop is calling.
32. Share a big pizza instead of getting individual orders
Sharing is much more fun, and it means you can eat breakfast together in the morning (cold pizza, no sauce).
33. Been to Barcelona at least twice
Where else would you go with the gals?
34. Alway take pics of booze
Your Instagram is made up of the following: Pornstar Martinis, your border terrier, and bathroom selfies.
35. Organise a date with a guy on Tinder, then sack it off because you cba to get ready
It’s just so long getting ready, and he isn't going to be worth missing I'm A Celeb over.
36. The inability to go to the supermarket alone
Sad girls always stroll to Sainsbury’s in a pack of at least three in their grey trackies and sliders before dinner time to get their shopping. You won’t go around as a unit, but instead follow each other on the exact same aisle route, or you'll meet at the checkouts.
37. Memes give you life
And you tag the same person in every meme you laugh at.
38. Exhausted all the free photo printing services the UK can offer
The walls are plastered with photographs of your friends, dogs and family. 28 different email addresses are under your name.
39. Give very straight up boy advice, even if it's going to make your fellow sad-girl upset
There is no way anyone is fucking over your mate. You make it crystal clear who's right and wrong for them.
40. Post night out activities are spent in your bedroom analysing the evening minute-by-minute
Slippers on, dressing gowns on, big pizza on the bed, everyone under the duvets – DISCUSS.
41. Never use a hairdryer
It’s better to sit with wet hair in front of the tele than spend 10 minutes on your own drying your hair and missing The Chase.
42. Love ITV presenters more than most normal people
Phillip Schofield, Ant & Dec, Ben Shepherd and Bradley Walsh are your idols.
43. Love ITV Saturday night television
Saturday night is blocked out in the calendar when I’m A Celeb, X Factor and Saturday Night Takeaway are on – there is no way you’re missing them for anyone.
44. Love ITV in general
BBC is rarely visited. Why watch that boring stuff when there’s Dinner Date?
45. Know exactly what time all the daytime TV shows are on
"Ooo if we get home in time we will catch the Real Housewives of New York repeat!"
46. Wear slippers everywhere
There simply is nothing worse than having cold feet.
Pretty excited about my new slippers, even if they are already my second pair of the year because I wear them out so fast! I'm sure they must be part of the mum uniform or something! #slippers #playdate #play #playdates #mums #mum #mama #mummy #toddlerlife #toddler #mumlife #surreymummy #surreymums #londonmum #parentingunplugged #parenting #parenthood #motherhood #mumsofinstagram #kidsofinstagram
47. Own a hot water bottle
Tucked up on the sofa with your blanket, slippers and hot water bottle = heaven.
48. Hold on to lots of pointless jewellery which is never worn, but you don’t want to chuck away
Beaded necklaces, tangled bracelets beyond help. Everything silver has gone that grey, dirty colour from losing the shine. But it’ll all be left, dangling over a jewellery stand someone got for you from Urban Outfitters two birthdays ago.
49. Do the washing up, but don’t put it away
Someone else will break, or it’ll all be used for the next meal. There’s literally no point in having cupboards.
50. Sad girls don’t have very many guy friends
Boys are soooooo annoying.
51. Fairy lights and bunting are everywhere
The bunting will probably be the multi-coloured paper bunting you can buy cheap in Tiger, and the fairy lights will be an old set your mum doesn't want anymore.
52. Your hair is up all the time and is only straightened when going out, or for very special occasions
There's no point putting so much effort in.
53. You can therefore nail the messy bun look
It looks like a masterpiece, every time.
54. Lip balms are distributed across every handbag
There's half a pot of aloe vera Vaseline in one rucksack, a Carmex tube in a clutch and a Nivea stick decomposing in a pocket of another bag.
55. Always leave fancy dress parties until the last minute and end up wearing something completely rogue
56. Have a wicker heart on the wall
Such a statement.
57. Live for Primark diffusers and scented candles, so you room ends up smelling like washing detergent
It’s impossible not to buy just one more whilst in the Primark queue.
58. Never chuck away perfume bottles as they all have a teenie-weenie bit left in them
Marc Jacobs – Daisy, CKin2U and Thierry Mugler – Angel will all be knocking around, despite having one spray left in them each. You just like the way the bottles all look together. In fact, you've probably taken a picture of them.
59. Only drink tea out of a blue spotty mug
It goes so well with all your other possessions.
60. Have an empty jewellery box on a chest of drawers, which is one of those mirrored ones
Nanna bought it as a 12th birthday present, and despite there being no contents, it's not going anywhere.
61. Have a purse full of cards for all the high street shops and restaurants
It's the heaviest object in your whole bag. The purse will be one of the long zip round ones, again probably from Cath Kidston. No receipt is chucked away, but instead stuffed into every section possible. The two sides of card holders are filled with a Body Shop, Nando's, Boots and Costa card, a Tastecard, Club Card, Superdrug card, alongside gift vouchers with under £5 on them, gift vouchers with nothing on them (they look nice), amongst others. Probably ordered by colour.
62. The love for chain restaurants is real
Pizza Express is the favourite, but it's always Bill's for special occasions.
63. Always buying Blu-Tac
For all the pictures stuck up on the walls. You'll deal with the angry landlord later.
64. All selfies are done in the bathroom mirror
Who cares if the toilet brush and Alberto Balsam is in shot, the lighting is the best in there!
65. Own a lot of thick jumpers
Specifically the fisherman looking ones which have lots of little holes in and look extra wooly.
66. Hate doing a clothes wash
Clean clothes aren't that important. You'll wear a pair of black jeans on two nights out in a row, and for three days after that. The Jagerbomb/smoking area stench coming off them does not fuss you.
67. Secretly re-wear tights and wash the feet in the sink, then leave them to dry on the radiator
You do this with your pants too.
68. Stand halfway out the door having a cig so you don’t make the house smell, but so you can still chat to the girls in the kitchen
Missing out on the story horrifies you, nearly as much as forcing the girls to retell it because you decided to go for a ciggie.
69. Love going back home from uni
You are lucky that you have a girl gang both at uni and back at home. In both destinations, you're in Slug & Lettuce on the pornstars. Plus, your dog is at home!!
70. Never wear well fitted jumpers
The sleeves are always a little bit too long.
71. Own a pair of white Adidas Superstars
They look like they're grey because they're so dirty.
72. Everything is a bit damp
73. The lamp-shade in the middle of your living room is that big cheap beige one with the wiring around it from IKEA
Things aren’t sad enough for the bulb to be left bare. So what better way to brighten the room than with a 50p lampshade from IKEA? After a year the wiring will start to pop through and there will be a 1inch layer of dust gently covering it.
74. Love dogs, like, a silly amount
You're on the ground petting the dog and taking videos of it before anyone has even clocked there's a dog there.
75. Comment on everything your friends post on Facebook
Everything receives a wow or angry react.
76. Cry at the following: Nature documentaries, happy adverts, sad adverts, when tired, drunk, making more than five cups of tea
77. Have a cupboard full of pasta sauces
And the fridge always has a packet of pre-grated Cathedral cheddar cheese for the many bowls of pasta and sauce which are created throughout the week.
78. Would wear PJs to the shop if it was socially acceptable
Going to Sainsbury's with no bra on is good enough for now.
79. Thrown up over yourself at least once term
80. Get with sad boys at uni, most likely the next door neighbour or someone from halls
He probably does Engineering.
81. Religiously listen to Radio 1 and the Top 40
Innuendo Bingo is the funniest thing you've ever heard. The Going Home Song is a passion.
82. Fall over a lot
You've broken or at least sprained your ankle coming down the stairs. On a night out you're even more of a liability.
83. Shop at New Look
"It's the best place to buy cheap leather boots!" You love telling everyone.
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