People who take the box room are the unsung heroes of Britain
An ode to those with no space
For some reason, every house in Britain has one uniform design fault. Though the majority of bedrooms are spacious and airy, there is one fated area, a tight space with the dimensions of a generous coffin, chocked by a lack of light and air: the box room.
Perhaps it was built to be a baby room, or one of those "chuck everything in here from mops to shit birthday presents" cupboards. But for some, it functions as a bedroom.
These young people are lifestyle martyrs, lumping themselves with low-quality living so the rest of us can bask in space. I spoke to boxroomers across the country to find out what it's like being the unsung heroes of modern Britain.
BOXROOMERS BECOME GREAT ORGANISERS
Lacking the space for wardrobes, many box rooms run the risk of being consumed by floordobes. If left unchecked, their inhabitants would end up watching Netflix in a stinking pit of dirty boxers and crusted socks, crawling out from multi-coloured tongues of fabric like Golum.
Instead, boxroomers stack their belongings neatly in the style of a Muji salesroom.
They're the sort of people to have storage boxes with neatly demarcated labels stashed under their beds, and then inside that storage they have more storage, and in that storage even smaller storage like this weird infinite recess of flatpack furniture and organisational tyranny that descends until it reaches the ninth dimension.
BOXROOMERS ARE NEVER HOARDERS
Whilst most people's wardrobes are filled with endless streams of Missguided crop tops and clothes that were last cool in 2005, boxroomers must be selective. They have Gok Wan style capsule wardrobes full of what women's magazines refer to as "day to night looks", and colours that go with everything like black brown and navy.
BOXROOMERS ARE GREAT AT SAVING MONEY
Some may think it's tragic to live in a tiny room just to scrimp £13.50 off the monthly rent. Boxroomers are the kind of mates that'll be like, "hey bro, could you shoot me 20p for that tea bag you just used", or when they owe you a fiver and try to equate it with "petrol money" for that lift they gave three months ago.
However, according to Natalie Clark, that money can go a long way. She said: "I pay £40 less a month than the people in the big rooms, that money goes towards my gym membership".
But abs come with a cost: "My room literally only fits a double bed, my cupboard and the tiniest chest of drawers. My boyfriend can’t lay out straight on the bed or his feet will hit the wall", she added.
Flo Strachen is also making savings. She added: "Last year I saved £5 a week on rent, it paid for my Glastonbury ticket, this year I'm saving £8".
BOXROOMERS ARE FABULOUS INTERIOR DESIGNERS
Boxroomers must craft their domestic environment with the careful hands of Sarah Beeny. Whilst everyone else has lots of wall space for fraying kaleidoscope wall hangings and generic posters of tennis players arses, boxroomers must be selective. Think minimalistic chic.
BOXROOMERS ARE BETTER THAN SIMONE BILES AT GYMNASTICS
Sometimes box rooms are made out of the dregs of big rooms. The weird angular bits that when cornered off allow the landlord to hike the rent up from a three bedroom to a four bedroom flat. The added separator wall is often made from hollow plywood, so you can hear your neighbour leaping and dancing across the room like Maddie Ziegler. This leaves lots of sharp right angles – toes will be stubbed.
Meanwhile boxroomers have to straddle their legs over the bed to make it out the door or do that manic mattress walk where you stay low in a rugby player squat, moving quickly lest the springs bounce you onto your knees.
BOXROOMERS ARE MAD SOCIAL
Say you're watching First Dates with your flatmates and the episode ends and everyone drags their pillows and empty packets of Doritos off to bed. Boxroomers will linger a bit too long, unwilling to return to their prison cell.
BOXROOMERS ARE INCREDIBLY SELF-SACRIFICING
Being granted a room that's smaller means there's no space for entertaining friends. If anyone comes over you've got to sit on your bed cross legged like tweenagers at a sleepover. Welcome friends, do take a seat in the place where I masturbate and watch out, I dribble when I sleep so there might be crusted spit on the pillow.
PEOPLE IN BOXROOMS LAUGH IN THE FACE OF CLAUSTROPHOBIA
If animals rights activists saw a dog in an enclosure the size of Stephanie's room they'd report it to the RSPCA. Whilst other humans would end up pacing the floor in a sweaty fervour, boxroomers develop excellent coping mechanisms.
BOXROOMERS CAN DO ANYTHING UNDER A DUVET
With no floor space, the duvet becomes the site of all activities. Boxroomers write their dissertations and eat microwaved chilli con carne in bed. They can even fake tan, paint toe nails and conduct Skype interviews all whilst sheathed under a duvet.
BOXROOMERS ARE OPTIMISTIC
Like pious monks, boxroomers juice enjoyment out of sub-par situations. Even the feeling of free carpet space chaffing through their toes is enough to induce them into shuddering ecstasy.
What many call suffocating, boxroomers call "cozy", when people reply "put a jumper on and get a bigger room", boxroomers say "but why? This electric heater warms up my room in seconds."
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IT WAS ABOUT TIME
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times x