Which British politician is the biggest fuckboy?
Well it’s not Ed Miliband, is it?
Every single fuckboy has a foolproof way of fucking you over. First they make you fall in love with them, and once you're fully in their trap, they fuck you over before it's too late.
Now, think of every famous male British politician from the past ten years. They promised us the world, then we voted for them and in return? Extortionate tuition fees and Brexit.
But the worst thing off all is that we never ever learn from this. Politicians fucking us over isn't even remotely surprising. Instead we move onto another politi-fuckboy, who will just do the same thing.
David Cameron – The Posh Boy
He comes from a different world and that’s what’s fit about him. Every decision he makes is practical, which you like because he’s decisive. Don’t know what to eat for dinner? Quail eggs and venison. UKIP taking away your right-wing votes? Easy. Call on a referendum literally no one wanted.
Dave’s got a mysterious side, as was confirmed in the pictures of him having a fag at Wilderness. Calling one of the most disastrous referendums in British politics may have been just another one of his daring gambles, but once the shit hit the fan, you saw straight through his bullshit.
He’s got his life together, which is great, but the sooner you realise all he actually cared about was himself and his political career, the better. He’s arrogant as hell and when the break up happens, you’ll wonder what the hell you were doing with such an out-of-touch, selfish git. A poshboy like Dave will ruin your life, disappearing without a trace when being held accountable.
Jeremy Corbyn – The Softboy
Jez is so twee with his allotment, charity shop clothes and travelling everywhere by bike. He’ll say the right thing, just to get you to vote for him, but when the push comes to shove and he can’t quite fulfil any of his promises, he’ll ditch you quicker than you can say “for the many, not the few.”
He’ll be so focused on saving the world with socialism, he’ll be blind to the cracks in your relationship, just like he won’t see the cracks of anti-semitism surrounding his party. And soon, his soundbites against “all types of racism” just won’t be good enough.
Then you’ll stop hearing from him. So he’ll say it’s society’s fault he has commitment issues. Can't you understand he needs to solve that before he commits to anything else? When you lose your shit with him, he’ll say you’re a bitch, just like every other girl who has hurt him.
Jacob Rees-Mogg – The Lit Boy
Those round glasses should be a warning sign. You swoon over his intelligence as he speaks dirty to you in Latin. And his traditional view on the world is romantic at first.
Next thing you know, he’s telling you he’s anti-abortion, plus anti everything else liberal and you realise this is a guy who will always have his own interests at heart. He’ll never put you first. Just like he'd ask for head and never return the favour.
He has this air of innocence, but from the cocky way he lies down in the House of Commons, there is no doubt you’ll reply to his ‘you up?’ text.
Nick Clegg – The Cuckboy
He’ll make a big deal about standing up for your rights, will always talk about social issues and generally be "woke" as fuck. He'll even promise not to raise the tuition fees.
But then he’ll just go whichever way the wind blows, even if it means breaking the trust of thousands, never apologising and just saying "you don’t understand."
He’s the kind of guy who promises to pay for dinner but then conveniently forget his wallet. This isn’t him snaking you, he’d never do anything like that, it wasn’t his fault.
Imagine his “I’m sorry” video but it’s made just for you. That’s your life.
Ed Miliband – The Absolute Clown
At first, he was a slight embarrassment. After sandwich-gate, you wouldn't want to bring him along to anything, in case your Tory friends thought he was a loser.
But you were wrong. Everyone found him hilarious. The trouble is, they were laughing at him and not with him, and wanted to keep him around for the entertainment. Poor Ed didn't realise this, so he started playing up to it all the time, becoming a full time clown and losing Labour the 2015 General Election.
The fact of the matter is, guys like Ed never know when to stop being funny and actually start taking things seriously.
Nigel Farage – The Bad Boy
At first you thought he was a bit different, misunderstood. He was saying things other politicians were afraid to say. He said he was "for the people." But that all turned out to be a lie when he was photographed in front of the glistening golden doors of Trump’s penthouse palace.
Nige is the type of guy to ask you out on a date, get rejected three times (just like he catastrophically lost three general elections in a row) and every time he does, he'll pretend like he didn't want to go on a date in the first place.
He’ll drop you quicker than you can say "£350m" but then come back as if nothing has changed. The break up is the most horrible drawn out thing ever, just like Brexit is going to be.
Philip Hammond – The Low-key Snake
In the small hours of the morning after the election, knowing current partner Theresa May might be on her way out, snakey fuckboy Phil Hammond whipped out his phone and sent what can only be described as the political “u up?” 4am text to Boris Johnson, saying he’d back him for leader.
Sly spreadsheet Phil, so innocuous and beige, you thought he was hiding his messages because he’s shy. Give him half a chance and he’ll be downloading Tinder and surreptitiously scrolling it whilst in bed with you.
You’d never suspect he had the brains to fuck you over, but there he, is texting your nemesis at 4am while you’re asleep.
Boris Johnson – The one you ALWAYS fall back on
He’s the bumbling idiot you love to hate and hate to love. He’ll consistently put in a really shit performance in bed, but somehow he’s always the guy you text at 3am when you’re thirsty.
You promised yourself you wouldn’t do this again, yet you kept voting him in as Mayor, and if there wasn't a better choice, you'd vote him in as PM.
Tony Blair – The Life Ruiner
At the start everyone loves him, everyone is going crazy for him, your parents, your family. He's acing all of his domestic policies. He’s best mates with your mates, they love him.
But then it all starts going wrong, he starts a weird bro-mance with Bush, who holds a weird influence over him, making him start illegal wars and whatnot.
Blindly following him was not the right choice. You broke up when you realised he's a war criminal. And even though it was the right decision, you’re still in love with the Tony you knew at the beginning. The Tony who could actually win elections for Labour.