The Great British Bake Off is obviously going to be really bad on Channel 4
This really takes the biscuit
Upsetting news rattled the country today as it has been announced that Bake Off is officially leaving the BBC.
The quintessentially British show is to move from the cosy premises of the Beeb, to the cooler edgier cousin Channel 4 from 2017. The decision to change channels is due to a financial dispute between the BBC and GBBO production company, Love Productions.
A new three-season contract has been agreed, and there is no doubt that Channel 4 will not be able to rise to the occasion. It’s going to be a bloody big mess, as big of a mess as when 2015’s Dorret watched her black forest gateau collapse.
Will Paul and Mary still be judges?
The biggest question on our lips is will Queen Berry and silver-fox Paul Hollywood remain judging on the show? None of the presenters were consulted about the deal to move channels, and Paul and Mary have both previously said they are loyal to the Beeb. Channel 4 will need to offer them a hefty salary, which rumour has it currently stands at £600,000 each to remain on the show. It simply won’t be Bake Off if it doesn’t include Paul’s icy stares, solid handshakes and bread knowledge, or Mary’s trendy outfits, soggy bottoms and cheeky giggle on the mention of any alcohol in the ingredients.
They’ll change the format to include something shit like a public vote
Classic Channel 4 wanting to make everything super interactive, they’ll probably make the viewers pick Star Baker through some wanky app, or we’ll get a wild card vote to bring someone back in the final, even if they were voted out in week one.
There are going to be advert breaks
Probably the most traumatic reason as to why the move is going to be tragic, we will now have to watch three advert breaks during the course of the show. Mel and Sue’s script, if they even stick with the show, will turn even cornier, but will genuinely be irritating this time. They’ll start saying lines like “ready, steady….ad break”, leaving viewers having to wait a whole four minutes to see who has fucked up their sponge mix and which contestant is already crying outside the tent.
Ad breaks mean the show will be 12 minutes shorter
Instead of one hour of pure entertainment showcasing the rise and fall of baking, parts of the show are going to have to be sacrificed for car adverts and supermarket promotions. Maybe they’ll have to take out the technical challenge, maybe they’ll remove the small history lesson (actually, this probably wouldn’t be that much of a bad thing), maybe they will run out of time to announce Star fucking Baker.
They’ll probably try and intertwine their other edgy shows into it
Mel and Sue/the new presenters will probably be naked each episode, and each week there will be a guest judge from different underground sexual clubs like dogging and dressing up as a puppy to do a blind taste test.
It’ll probably be scheduled at a stupid time like 9pm on Saturday night
They know GBBO is a big hitter and therefore they’ll want to put it on a primetime TV slot. Maybe this will be their Strictly and X Factor on a Saturday night. This is unlike the Beeb, who have it scheduled bang on: midweek, 8pm, after dinner and after the washing up is all done, when everyone is doing absolutely piss all because no one does anything on a Wednesday evening, unlike Saturday night.
The whole thing is really, really bunbelievable.