What if Donald Trump was a woman?

At the minute we’re experiencing a rare and unprecedented event in the history of politics. In Britain, we have four female leaders of significant political parties, the Conservatives, the SNP, Plaid Cymru and the Green Party.  Also, across the pond, we have the first democratic female presidential nominee. So, what if we were guaranteed a female POTUS? What if Donald Trump was also a woman?

We’ll have a look at some of Mr. Trump’s most controversial quotes and see how they would sound from Ms. Trump.

“Arianna Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.”

As co-founder of the Huffington Post, which tends to be quite a liberal publication, Arianna and Donald don’t exactly see eye to eye. Rather than criticising her work or opinions, he decided to comment on her appearance, personality and marriage. Stay classy, Donald.

“Ross Geller is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why his former wife left him for a woman – she made a good decision.”

Ms. Trump thinks that a man’s value comes mainly from his looks, and that’s obviously turned Carol gay because Ross was so ugly. I mean, she couldn’t possibly have just actually been attracted to women and it took her a while to overcome the societal expectation that heterosexual relationships are the only norm?

“I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.”

Mr. Trump was referencing why he was more appealing than his fellow Republican Presidential candidates. Nothing about policies, I see.

“I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my men are more beautiful.”

Once again, Ms. Trump showing us that men are only worth their looks. Not only that, but these men are actually possessions of Ms. Trump. Normal, right?

“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

If you didn’t know, Donald Trump, the current Republican nominee, used to run The US Apprentice. It’s basically like Alan Sugar running for Prime Minister – laughable.

“All of the men on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

Of course the men flirted with Ms. Trump! They’re all after her power, status, and… er, big appendages. All men are lustful, greedy and gold-digging. It’s to be expected. Using their sexy, manly ways to charm their way into being Ms. Trump’s new apprentice.

“For a man to be successful he needs support at home, just like my father had from my mother, not someone who is always griping and bitching.”

“For a woman to be successful she needs support at home, just like my father gave to my mother, not someone who is always griping and bitching.”

Because, obviously, the man stays at home doesn’t have his own life, his only goal in life to support the female bread winner. They aren’t allowed to have their own problems. Or, if they do, they have to stop talking to their significant other about those problems because it detracts from the one tracked business mind of successful women like Ms. Trump.

“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

He said this. For real. No-one seemed to care?

“I’ve said if Eric weren’t my son, perhaps I’d be dating him.”

Just grim, really. Very grim.