Look how unhappy everyone at Glastonbury is

Not getting tickets for Glastonbury is devastating. Every single one of your friends has fucked off to frolic in fields and do drugs without you. You’ve had to listen to them plan it for weeks, you’ve lived vicariously through their crop tops and glitter, and you’ll have to deal with the photos of all the fun they had for weeks to come.

But this will make you feel better: it’s ridiculously muddy, the traffic is so bad organisers have discouraged people from coming, and everyone who’s just arrived to the glorious mecca looks disappointed, horrified, and really, really sad.

Glastonbury veteran Jack Rivlin, 27, said: “Confirmed this is the muddiest I’ve ever seen it on day one. I’ve never seen such unhappy faces coming in. A lot of very tanned girls with choker necklaces almost in tears dragging roller bags through mud that looks like treacle.

“I just walked back to gate to get friends and the ascending levels of optimism are hilarious. At first people are happy because they’ve got their tent pitched, then there’s a mid point where people look utterly wretched.Scowling, arguing – saw one girl stack it into the mud.

“At the entrance there’s a lot of optimism and people in trainers. Little do they know.”