How to survive an England superfan this summer

Found yourself completely overwhelmed by the sudden explosion of St. George’s crosses, pint-throwing, and people unironically screaming “It’s Coming Home” at 11 AM? You are not alone.

Summer tournaments turn perfectly normal housemates, partners, and situationships into absolute footballing demons. Suddenly, the guy who normally struggles to wake up for a 2 PM seminar is up at the crack of dawn reading tactical breakdowns and screaming about low blocks.

If you don’t know your offside from your elbow, this time of year can feel like a fever dream. But don’t pack your bags for a remote island just yet. Here is your ultimate guide on how to survive the inevitable superfan mania this summer.

Strategy 1: Embrace It

If you can’t beat them, gaslight them into thinking you’re one of them. You don’t actually need to know anything about football to blend in; you just need audacity.

So what if you thought Gareth Southgate was still manager? Look, the news moves fast. If someone calls you out for asking why Southgate isn’t on the touchline, just sigh deeply, shake your head, and say: “I’m just still processing the tactical shift, okay? The post-Gareth era hits different.” They will assume you are deep in your feelings about football philosophy and leave you alone.

Find a rogue connection. To stop the superfan mania from truly annoying you, you must establish your own footballing street cred. You need a claim to fame to throw out when the vibes get too intense. Even if it isn’t strictly true, utilise it with total confidence.

My personal one? “My dad’s cousin’s husband plays golf with Harry Kane.”

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Does he? Who knows. But the moment you drop that into conversation at the pub, you aren’t a “casual” fan anymore, you are practically royalty. Try these if you’re stuck: “My third cousin once sold a mattress to Jude Bellingham,” or “My PE teacher went to school with Jordan Pickford’s accountant”

Strategy 2: Avoid It

If the thought of stepping foot into a crowded pub covered in sticky, spilled lager makes you want to drop out of uni entirely, avoidance is your only option.

Become a ghost on match days. The beautiful thing about an England match is that the rest of the country completely empties out. Need to do a massive food shop at the Smithdown Asda without waiting in a 20-minute queue? Do it during the first half. Want a quiet, peaceful walk around Sefton Park without hearing a single chant? Kick-off is your golden hour.

Invest in noise-canceling headphones. If you live in a student house with a superfan, your living room is no longer yours. It is now a volatile stadium. Put the headphones on, lock your door, and watch something that has absolutely zero sports in it.

Whether you choose to fake a bloodline relation or hide under your duvet until autumn, stay strong. It’ll all be over soon. Or, god forbid, it actually does come home, and we have to start this all over again.