The Durham colleges as Life of a Showgirl album lyrics

Taylor Swift’s new album Life of a Showgirl came out last week, and since then the Internet has not been kind. The criticism is legitimate: the lyrics sound like cringe ai, the showgirl aesthetic and marketing can’t really be heard in the actual music, and the ‘Actually Romantic’ diss track against Charli xcx was just petty. But, despite the pretty bad opening reception, there is still some fun to be had with the album, so I decided to swallow my disappointment as a long-time Swiftie and assign lyrics to each of the Durham colleges.

P.S: Taylor Swift Soc please don’t come for me; I love your socials.

Collingwood – ‘Wow, got me dreaming ‘bout a driveway with a basketball hoop’ – Wi$h Li$t

Collingwood is undoubtedly ‘the sports college’. The ‘Travis Kelce’s of the Durham scene but with a Russel Group level education. The inner jock in Collingwood grads will never go away, they will have a high-paying city job then come home and shoot hoops – never missing, of course.

Grey  – ‘Late one night you dug me out of my grave and saved my heart from the fate of Ophelia (Ophelia)’ – The Fate of Ophelia

Via YouTube

“Grey by name, grey by nature” is a saying that haunts Grey students. But students of recent years have been working hard to fight the stereotypes. They’ve dug the college’s reputation out of its grave as it were and saved it from drowning in the Grey (this interpretation fits the lyrics better than the story of Hamlet does).

Hatfield – ‘The eldest daughter of a nobleman’ – The Fate of Ophelia

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This doesn’t even really require an explanation. If there’s a member of a noble family in Durham, they definitely go to Hatfield, or they at least put it as their first choice. Second oldest college, and all the class.

John Snow – ‘You’re starving til you’re not’ – Opalite

Via YouTube

John Snow is the biggest out of four self-catered college options. This means these students arrive as freshers with sporadic cooking experience and leave as very passable chefs. They were starved, until they bought that big box of cup noodles for their kitchen.

Josephine Butler – ‘They want that complex female character’ – Wi$h Li$t

All those long walks up from town, all those wistful sunsets on Butler Hill, all the philosophical debates in Jimmy’s smoking area. It makes the Josephine Butler student a complex one. That and their namesake is literally a complex female character.

South – ‘I paid my dues with every bruise’ – Life of a Showgirl

Via YouTube

South is Durham’s newest college. In a place that seems to love tradition, and heritage, and spoon-banging, South is unique. Every person allocated to South has been tasked with making the South identity. They earn their reputation, and they definitely pay their dues.

St Aidan’s – ‘How many times has your boyfriend said: Why are we always talking about her?’ – Actually Romantic

It’s hard not to be obsessed with the Aidan’s student, given the fact they never go to the gym but still have the legs like they go to Freeman’s Quay twice a day (it’s the 84 Aidan’s steps). No wonder your boyfriend doesn’t want to talk about it.

St Chad’s – ‘I have been afflicted by a terminal uniqueness’ – Eldest Daughter

Finding a Chad’s student in the wild is like finding toilet paper in the women’s bathroom at Jimmy’s – it’s very rare. They’re the smallest college and that makes them your most unique friend so take care of them.

St Cuthbert’s – ‘But I’m never gonna let you down, I’m never gonna leave you out’ – Eldest Daughter

Via YouTube

Cuth’s is probably the nicest college. Despite the divide between Parson’s and the main Bailey site, Cuth’s is united and laid back at the same time. If you have a Cuth’s friend, know you’re lucky.

St Hild and St Bede – ‘They want that freedom, living off the grid’ – Wi$h Li$t

Is it on the bailey? No. Is it on the hill? No. Is it on the river? Kind of. Durham colleges are pretty much divided into bailey and hill, but Hild Bede refuses to follow the status quo. The new Rushford Court site is very cool, though Hild Bede students might have to wait a bit for everyone else to figure out where they are again.

St John’s – ‘You could be my forever night stand’ – Honey

One in three St John’s freshers are allocated to a shared room, and every year hundreds of freshers pray for a roommate who won’t ruin their mental health. But in the special, God-given scenario where two roommates get along, it’ll be forever.

St Mary’s – ‘The venom stole her sanity’ – The Fate of Ophelia

This is the only explanation for how people end up doing Mary’s challenge (running from Mary’s bar to Cuth’s bar while holding a shot in your mouth). But hey, at least it gets you out of Mary’s bar.

Stephenson – ‘That was the night I fell and broke my arm’ – Eldest Daughter

Via YouTube

The Stephenson lot are a long walk from the Durham clubs but still manage to make it out most nights (made easier by the fact they’re basically neighbours with the science site). They’ll make the night out, and they’ll make the 9am lecture the next morning. No matter the messy consequences.

Trevelyan – ‘Would’ve been the best mistake’ – Ruin the Friendship

Famously, Trev’s has topped very few freshers’ preference lists. But Trev’s has one of the best bars on the hill, and the hexagonal shapes do add a lot of character. Trev’s is over hated and getting allocated there is truly the best mistake.

Castle – ‘I thought my house was haunted, I used to live with ghosts’ – Opalite

In the daytime, when the sun is out and you’re well-rested, the idea of living in a medieval castle sounds cool and fun. But then night comes, and the wind hits the castle walls in a funny way, and you swear you can hear the Prince Bishop of Durham walking down the halls and it doesn’t seem that fun anymore.

This is all unfounded. I’m just jealous because I wanted to live in the castle.

Ustinov – ‘I’ll be your father figure, I drink that brown liquor’ – Father Figure

Ustinov students have been through life, they’ve learned things, they’re smart enough to be doing a postgraduate degree. The undergrads by comparison are teenagers. One can only hope to get a Ustinov friend to give you course tips and life lessons.

Van Mildert – ‘I might’ve drowned in melancholy’ – The Fate of Ophelia

Van Mildert’s defining feature is of course its ducks and its big lake. Take care of your Mildert friends on their walk home from lectures and nights out. The lake in summer looks inviting but is probably a health risk.

Via YouTube

Yeah, I didn’t include the lyric “Did you girl boss too close to the sun”, I’m not that mean and no college is that bad.

Featured image via Youtube 

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