Here’s your toxic trait, based solely on your Durham college

As we all know, your college doesn’t actually say anything about you besides how lucky you were when putting in your preferences. That doesn’t mean, however, that I can’t write an article teasing you about your college and assigning you a definitive toxic trait. Whether you’re a serial Billy B shusher or a major college gossip, your Durham college may point to your fatal flaw…

1. Castle – Stealing other people’s thunder

If any college would wear white to a wedding, it’s yours. I’m sorry. Sure, you’re beautiful – and everyone wants to be you. But sometimes you need to celebrate other people’s successes too, babe.

2. Collingwood – Making repetitive noises, constantly

You’d probably bounce a ball around in your uni room 24/7, much to the dismay of everyone around you. Or run around your accommodation with no regard for how loud you’re stomping. This one is relatively harmless – and we’ve got to respect the undying commitment to physical activity – but it can be a littttttle grating when it’s all day, every day.

3. Grey – Shushing people in the library

You do realise that incessant shushing noise is actually much more annoying than someone talking quietly for less than a minute, right? I understand you’re studious and are actually here to get your degree, but people will probably just be louder out of spite, I fear. At least it’ll be worth it at graduation.

4. Hatfield – Interrupting others

No, what I meant was-

Let me explain-

5. John Snow – Spending issues

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You’re very committed to your social life – you’re always on a social or at the club. Unfortunately, that means you spend way more than you budgeted for drinking and food when you promised you were going to “lock in” before you arrived in Durham. Rent is a buzzkill – god forbid a student has fun.

6. Josephine Butler – I -can-do-it-myself-itis

This is perhaps the most respectable toxic trait. Split your jeans on a night out? You can stitch them up with your emergency sewing kit. Need your window fixed in your accommodation? You’re a professional glassworker. Want a salad? You’re growing your own vegetables in an allotment somewhere in town. World peace? A piece of cake. Nobody is expecting you to be good at everything, but that doesn’t stop you.

7. South – Jealous

You’re the type to be jealous of your partner’s ex even though there’s no precedent for it. The same way you know people might choose other colleges because there’s history there – even if you’re a perfectly respectable option. Don’t chase, attract…

8. St. Aidan’s – Too easily offended

Admit it, you were annoyed before you even read this subheading. The people of Aidan’s strike me as sensitive and kind, but this could go too far if you’re permanently mad about different things… Light some incense and take a deep breath (we love you really.)

9. St. Chad’s – Nosiness

The claustrophobic environment of Chad’s seems like the prime environment for nosiness. Sometimes, not every situation is a group issue. What’s said in that really annoyingly pretty bar stays in that really annoyingly pretty bar.

10. St. Cuthbert’s – Flaking on plans

I think it’s the two accommodation sites. It’s just not giving committed. Anyone making plans with you does so with a very light pencil. Using a biro on the calendar would be way too optimistic.

11. St. Hild and St. Bede – Acting hard done by

If like me, Hild Bede was your eighth choice but where you ended up anyway, you may feel a little unlucky. Like don’t get me wrong, it’s a great college – but EIGHTH choice? Naturally, the Hild Beders of the world may feel a little ill-fated and downtrodden (especially if you’re a victim of living in Christopher). But there’s no point cultivating a generally miserable mentality because of your tough luck. That energy isn’t helpful, diva.

12. St. John’s – Snitching

You kind of have the vibe that you’d report people to the porters over slightly minor things. I get that you’re trying to protect your peace, but there’s no need to ring the office because someone is one decibel too loud for a minute after 10pm.

13. St. Mary’s – Gossiping

The primary school aura lends itself indefinitely to a climate of inescapable gossip. Don’t get me wrong, we love some tea too (we are literally The Durham Tab…) – but you may be a little more passionate than most about keeping people… informed.

14. Stephenson – Chronically late

To be honest, I struggled with this one. God forbid a college is wholesome and really likes trains, right? The fact that you’re 4567 miles away from the city centre may be likely to make you late all of the time, though. When it comes to needing to be at the function bright and early, you’re about as reliable as a certain railway route…

15. Trevelyan – Copying others

“Modern castle.” That’s all.

Your friend buys a new shirt, and the next day you’re wearing the same one. I get it, you’re inspired. But sometimes it gets to a point.

16. Ustinov – Ghosting

Nobody ever sees you on campus. You are never at the club. You’re essentially a practiced ghoster already. Would it be too much of a stretch if you did this to your Durham situationships and friends? I think not.

17. Van Mildert – Main character syndrome

Always telling people about the lake like it’s the steaming Blue Lagoon in Iceland or some mystical healing realm complete with talking ducks. You’re convinced your college is the chill, quirky one (which it kind of is), but there’s no need to get too gassed about it.