Things that are guaranteed to happen on an Edinburgh night out

Whilst every night out is different, an Edinburgh night out can guarantee you a couple of things. From a trip into your overdraft, terrible chat from rugby boys and The Proclaimers playing at every bar, some things never change. Whether you’re in Old Town, New Town, or a random pres – take a shot anytime one of these things occurs on an Edinburgh night out…

The 9:55 pm sprint for more alcohol

We’ve all been there. Knocking back cans of beer and cheap Lidl vodka at a pres until you realise that this amount of alcohol will not do you for the night. You look at your phone – panic sets in, the time is 9:55 pm. Tesco is a five-minute walk away, maybe a three-minute sprint at best. Do you chance it?  Log it on Strava because this sprint matters more than your marathon PB.

If you’re feeling frivolous – there’s no 10 pm cap on a pub

The awkward lingering conversation with someone you barely know at pres

You might’ve met this person in the first week of lectures (the only week of lectures you’ve ever been to), and suddenly you make eye contact across the pres. You scramble your brain, wondering why this person looks familiar, but as you realise, it’s too late, they’re already approaching you. You make small talk, praying that you don’t need to introduce them to any of your other friends because you don’t remember their name. You make up white lies about being on top of all your classes. What feels like an hour conversation is actually just 30 seconds.

Paying £15.00 for a drink because you forgot your student ID

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The act of paying £15.00 for a mixer is enough to make me sober up. Have you ever been to Three Sisters without your student ID? Brutal. For the sake of your bank account, keep your student ID in the back of your phone case.

So pretty but so pricey…

The Londis vape sidequest

The night is young, music is blasting and suddenly the air tastes of…Kiwi Passionfruit Guava? Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be the first to slander vapes when sober, but I like to think that when I’m drunk, I’m not the one making the purchase. Shout out to the bossmen at Londis and all the other late-night corner shops, thank you for putting up with us Edinburgh residents in our…questionable states.

These soldiers are yet to know what their night will entail

Sending a mate home in an Uber at 12 a.m

For most of us, the night has just begun – but for that one friend who doesn’t know when to stop drinking, the night is blurred and untraceable. They hobble up to the bouncer, and he just laughs. It’s time for them to go home. You contemplate walking them home, but they fall every time they stand. You use the last £20.00 that you were planning to spend on Venoms and buy an Uber, hoping that they don’t spew and get you charged a cleaning fee.

The walk of shame into Hive

“Where did you end up?” Says the sensible friend who went home after three drinks. “…Hive”, you shudder, whispering the word like it’s a curse. It’s a cannon event, I cannot interfere. There comes a point in every Edinburgh night out when the clock strikes Hive O’clock and you must obey.

Like a true soldier, I like to walk into Hive with my head held high. Maybe it’s because if I look downwards, the ground will spin, but I like to call it bravery.

Leaving the club 10 minutes before closing for cheesy chips

This might be the real-life Hunger Games. Watching everyone leave the club 10 minutes before it closes, sprinting to Pizza Paradise for some chips (or pizza). No night out is truly over until you’re begging bossman to DRENCH your chips in garlic mayo. So what if you only eat two bites? If you are sober enough to put the leftovers in the fridge for the next day, maybe you can consider yourself a meal-prepping connoisseur.

Ending up in the Xylophone rave on Cowgate

At this point in the night, you might already be hanging. The objective is clear: get home. As you walk through Cowgate, you notice a crowd starting to form… people cheering and all of a sudden a xylophone. Crazy Frog is playing loudly. Beauty is everywhere in the city of Edinburgh, especially in the 3 am xylophone Crazy Frog rave. Not all are lucky enough to make it to this point of the night, but those who are, do not forget.

NOT taking your makeup off before bed

You’ve made it home. The girls who get it, get it. All I can say is do NOT sleep on a white pillowcase.

All of that will still guarantee you a class night out