Everything they didn’t tell you before you came to UWE but probably should have

If you live in Carroll Court everyone will laugh at you

UoB kids will look down on you

But it’s only because they’re jealous of how much more fun UWE is. Bless them, they try their best, but don’t be fooled. Watch out for the brand new £60 faux-vintage sportswear and not-quite masked rah accents. Imitation is flattery. Cut them to the chase – as soon as anyone in the queue for mbargos mentions they’re UoB, drop the conversation and turn around.

You’ll give up on dress-and-heels-clubs and start going to Lakota

Bristol only has about three clubs you could get away with dressing up at, and one of those is Pryzm. Unless you’re a 37 year old woman looking to let her hair down or slightly balding sweaty father of two, you won’t go there again after ‘Where’s Wally vs. Pokemon’ during freshers’. As soon as you go to your first Dazed/ Ice Cream Club/ Soul Shake you’re hooked, and you’ll start buying Adidas trainers rather than dresses with your student loan.

The new you

If you live in Carroll Court everyone will laugh at you

Yes it’s cheaper and you get your own little house, but you’re not going to be impressing anyone with those bare-brick walls. It’s known as ‘council court’ for a reason.

not usually party central

You’ll probably buy a big mandala tapestry to cover your hall’s noticeboard

And feel really edgy at first. Until you realise everyone else has one. At least it looks cool, and you’ll get some good pictures of all the gals together in front of it with their fishtail braids before Motion.

Everyone does Business

During Freshers’ week you start noticing a trend: everyone does ‘Business with Marketing’ or ‘Business with Economics’, anything along those lines. Whether it’s the hot girl who lets you speak to her in the Student Village smoking shelter or the guy whose name you can’t remember, even after asking it twice, you can bet they do Business.

Lectures are basically optional

Of course, when mum and dad dropped you off, you were in high spirits, ready to hit every single 9am. Two weeks later, you’ve been to none, and there’s an overwhelming feeling of guilt hanging over you, but you’re not going to stop going to SU Tuesdays. Soon enough, however, you realise that it’s First year, lectures are optional, and you only need 40% to pass the year anyway.

Everyone is from Wales or Surrey

With UWE being so close to Wales, we’re lucky enough to have a huge number of the Welsh within our ranks. They’ve integrated among us, and bring their Cardiff/ Newport charm with them. Buses into town from campus before nights will be inundated with people stomping upstairs, and shouting Welsh-specific chants, whilst the driver continues completely unconcerned. Everyone else is from Surrey, or at least pretty fucking close, meaning they all knew each other/ have slept together before coming to uni.

Standard Surrey scenes

You’ll be strangely obsessed by VKs

Sickly sweet, not very strong, and a similar hue to nuclear waste, VKs shouldn’t be so appealing. This, however, is UWE, and we don’t play by the rules, gunning VKs left right and centre.

You’ll always dream about visiting the Bulldog

When you make your first journey along the slum that is Filton Avenue, you can’t help but notice the infamous Bulldog pub. The plastic sign, the poor grammar and the dodgy blokes drinking outside in the mornings have made it a dream for all UWE students, but no one anyone knows has ever had the stones to go in for a pint. One day someone will. And they’ll wish they hadn’t.

You’ll decide who to live with in the first semester, and probably regret it

Dan, Lucy and Jake seem sound at first. You met in fresher’s week and were inseparable. You signed a house contract in November, worrying that all the good houses in Stoke Park will go. Then, in second semester, you realise you’ve never had a sober conversation and it all goes horribly wrong.

Gloucester Road will be a mystery, at first

Until most people end up renting their second-year house on a road just leading off it. They’ll judge where they live by its proximity to The Anchor, but won’t be totally sure why. Everything will make sense eventually.

A magical place

You ended up in city centre accommodation

You were worried about missing out on the real campus experience. Slowly you realised the real debauchery took place everywhere that wasn’t student village. Inundated with Bower Ashton students that wouldn’t be caught dead at Pams, the art kids get up to the most illicit activities. You didn’t realise your pre-uni shopping list was missing essential Cherry Court and Marketgate prerequisites, such as glitter, bindis and harem pants. You would have made so many more friends in Freshers’ if you’d dyed your hair pastel blue, shaved a gap down the middle of your right eyebrow, and started smoking rollies. If only your parents hadn’t bought you Stella and Malibu on your first shop, instead of Red Stripe and Tanqueray.