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Every single toilet you need to visit on campus before you graduate

The best places to poo, pee and procrastinate

Being the stiff upper-lipped British students that we are, rarely do we dwell upon our bathroom experiences. However, I have decided to embrace my usually suppressed American and become more vocal, outspoken and informative about the usually taboo subject of where to loo…it is the 21st century after all.

I have wandered far and wide (well all the way to David Ross) to give you a definitive guide on the best toilets on campus.Some toilets are manufactured great, some achieve greatness and some just have things we need not talk about, thrust upon them. We all have a toilet on campus that holds a special place in our heart and will forever. And if you don't, well you're probably normal and have a life.

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George Green Library

Now depending on what floor you are occupying, the toilets differ significantly. If you are just running in and out and thus stay on the ground floor, be warned you're not in for a nice time at the toilet. However, the higher you climb, the hope for a pleasant time doesn't increase, sorry. With only 4 toilets and one disabled per floor, the upper levels offer equal disappointment.

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Destination disappointment

The claustrophobic cubicles, whilst less suffocating than their less significant counterpart of Hallward, becomes an obstacle course. It is near impossible, if you are the embodiment of the basic Notts student, to enter, turn around and shut the door with a thicc AF puffa jacket and an equally bulky backpack filled with your meal deal, ready to waste 8 hours at the library.

However, these bad boys have the old fashioned flushing lever. Simple. User friendly. Does the job. But, if the mundane grey walls aren't enough to dampen my mood, the lack of cubicles mean that I'm in a rush and accordingly, am stressing about somebody judging me for spending too long in the toilet.

Flushability: 9.5/10.

Personal space: 2/10.

Comfort: 0.01/10.

Privacy: 1/10.

Lighting: 7/10.

Average score: 3.902.

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You're an embarrassment to your species.

Portland, ground floor.

My personal favourite toilets are the new ones on the ground floor near Portland Coffee. S/O to these absolute gems. Perfect amount of cubicle space for baggage (emotional or physical), folders, friends, dances, pres. You name it, you can host it in these cubicles.

Whilst these toilets hold a special place in my heart, I must critique their flush. The flush literally has one job, and these toilets can't even do that. You can't just press this button and bam. You have to hold it in in order to ensure maximum flush. Ain't nobody got time for dat.

However, the excessive amount of cubicles and the full length door, providing adequate sound proofing and privacy, means that there is never a queue, providing perfect amounts of privacy. You could literally spend days in there looking at memes and people would be none the wiser.

Flushability: 5/10.

Personal Space: 10/10.

Comfort: 9/10.

Privacy: 10/10.

Lighting: 10/10.

Average score: 8.8.

Hallward – all floors.

Despite being an arts student, I'm pretty promiscuous with my library usage. I must admit I spend way more time in George Green mainly because it's modern, light and subconsciously I know the toilets in Hallward are more depressing than my vegan diet. Really, does anybody actually use them or do we all just use our human flaw of needing the toilet frequently, as an excuse to sack off our coursework and go home to use the potty instead of violating ourselves in Hallward?

Flushability: 9/10.

Personal Space: 1/10.

Comfort: -1/10.

Privacy: 4/10.

Lighting: -1/10.

Average score: 2.4.

Again, I reckon a year 7 would struggle to fit in these cubicles comfortably. If the feeling of claustrophobia isn't enough, the minimal door amount means again, privacy is compromised. Why does the uni feel it's a rite of passage for everyone to know I'm 1) peeing but also 2) what shoes I'm wearing?! The lighting is horrific, I feel like I'm a medic in a morgue, which is probably suitable looking at my life/degree prospects post strike. Hallward just needs to reevaluate their life tbh.

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I mean come on, this is literally sadder than my liver, post crisis.

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At least with only two cubicles, the disappointment doesn't extend far.

Trent Building

S/O to the best building on campus. Trent Building has got it down. Lower ground floor toilets are absolutely slaying the game. Why just use the toilet when you can shower as well! These beauties don't even need rating, 11/10 would recommend.

However, hidden away in the depth of A Floor is the new, modern and sophisticated toilets that make me feel like I'm in a Bond film or a law firm.

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Trent Building= Home of the best degree (English) and the best toilets.

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Yasssss girl, werk it!

These toilets provide modern aesthetics and a window – HALLELUJAH! The natural lighting creates the perfect ambience for a relaxing afternoon and the cubicle provides the perfect amount of space to stretch your legs, but is also a reasonably sized cubicle that cannot be mistaken for box room in Lenton.

Furthermore, whilst the doors aren't fully ceiling to floor, they are pretty darn close, allowing your dignity to be in full tact, even when your pants are down. Also, the taps are censored so woohoo but thus explaining where my tuition fees go. In addition to hand dryers, this bathroom has paper towels. Now this is a deal breaker for me.

I love a good hand dryer but ever since Sheldon on Big Bang said that I might as well sneeze my hands dry, I've been a fan of a good paper towel. Paper towels are a rarity on uni park nowadays but if you are on the hunt, hit up Trent! I feel lucky to be in the presence of such toilets.

Flushability: 5/10.

Personal Space:10/10.

Comfort: 10/10.

Privacy: 9.5/10.

Lighting: 10/10.

Hand drying options: 10/10

Average score: 9.08.

10/10 would trek from Engineering for these toilets.

David Ross

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The fact that the whole purpose of this building is to build a better body and become a goddess signals that the quality of their toilets was not the priority during construction. Whilst not as heart breaking as Hallward, they have nothing on Trent. They're a mediocre middle ground, just like the coffee they sell in the cafe.

Whilst privacy again is evidently not important, personal space becomes problematic. Often I resort to the disabled toilet to get into my gym gear because the normal cubicles just don't cut it space wise. However, one major issue is that there are no toilet seats? Did they run out of money lol..? This is an issue if you are getting changed and accidentally fall in/ drop your motivation to gym, down the toilet.

However, one perk of David Ross, is that the toilets are in abundance. With probably hundreds of toilets and people being too worried about making gainz, there is never a queue and they are usually left very clean.

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Flushability: 10/10.

Personal Space: 6/10.

Comfort: 6/10.

Privacy: 4/10.

Lighting: 8/10.

Average score: 5.6.

Despite the £50 million investment of David Ross, they're not exactly living up to expectations in one department.

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There you go, that is every toilet you must visit on campus before you graduate. I hope I have been able to help you navigate the bustling hills of campus in hunt of the best toilets around. Good luck in your future toileting endeavours, may the odds be ever in your favour.

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