The only advice you need to survive Freshers’ Week in Luf

Your tongue-in-cheek guide to Lufbra Freshers is here!

Fancy meeting Mini Me, contesting in the world-famous Sing-Off and becoming the biggest lad the world has ever seen?

If the answer is yes, then you’re at the right place because Lufbra Freshers 2k15 is finally here.

Last week saw the start of the new term, bringing with it a whole host of keen freshers.

Each equipped with a wok, a Pulp Fiction poster and a 12-pack of cherry condoms, this rambunctious bunch are ready for some serious partying.

Every single one of them has done their research.  They know that to survive at Lufbra, and continue being the sickest person alive there are in fact a few rules to follow: don’t have sex your flatmate, don’t get any nasty diseases and keep an eye on your bank balance.

However, this is Lufbra and we don’t play by the same rules.  We have a reputation to maintain.

The UNILAD “Guide to Surviving Freshers Week” can’t save you poor Freshlings here. So, how can we even begin to prepare you? We start with the Sing-Off.

From day one it is crucial to understand that the Sing-Off is the most important thing you will ever do in your entire university career. Cast aside those hopes of a respected degree, a sculptured physique and a flourishing sex life – you won’t need them.

Unfortunately, there is no sure-fire way to be successful, although there are a few techniques that certainly can’t harm your chances. For example, demonstrate complete and utter disgust towards students belonging to any hall but your own.  To do this, gather in a large group and scream abhorrent, offensive chants at them.

Silly fresh

If you want to be a Sing-Off champion, ensure that the lads in your hall boast about how they have ginormous biceps and how great they are at shagging birds. And don’t forget to chant about girls from other halls (especially Cayley).

Although this may seem demeaning and distasteful, it is entirely necessary if you want to win this prestigious event.

Emerging victorious from any sing-off is a feat, but to do so in one as notoriously gruelling as Lufbra’s will leave potential employers weak at the knees. Who wouldn’t find someone belting at the top of their lungs how they slept with a rival halls’ sister a fantastic asset to their company?

Also remember to do everything a fresher helper tells you to, they are better than you and a whole year older. If they say “down it fresher”, you neck that pint because your life literally depends on it.

Once the sing-off is over however, what happens then? Does Loughborough University stop functioning altogether? Fortunately, the answer is no. Unfortunately, fresher responsibilities do not cease either.

Right now, you’re the Bulbasaurs, Charmanders and Squirtles of Loughborough.

We know you desperately want to evolve, lose that title of “silly fresher” and become the Charizard your mum always said you would be. But you have a long journey ahead of you!

If you haven’t already, add some vibrantly coloured shorts and a pair of flip-flops to your wardrobe.  These will go nicely with your brand new Lufbra stash. You’ll really stand out dressed like this and be known as a fashion icon.

If you’re shit at everything and make no team, don’t worry – you can still acquire stash items, you just have to pay for them. Which shouldn’t be a problem if you’re from Elvyn and are lucky enough to have an endless supply from The Bank of Mum and Dad.

It’s no secret that DBE is a little different to its FND counterpart, not least for the dirty sick beats and the endless shuffling tunes. The double-sided cassette tape filled with primary school disco classics is tossed aside and replaced by a genuine live act.

Have you ever heard of My Nu Leng? They’re this sick new act, give them a listen.