Fifty shades of brown: The best loos for your poos

Feeling crappy after a big night at Hey Ewe? Desperate for a post- lecture beeriod?

I am a nervous pooer. I can’t stand the thought of people being able to hear me when I’m doing my business. So much so that I could only drop the kids off if the taps were running – which I’ve now been forced to stop doing after I accidentally flooded my kitchen. 

It’s safe to say I appreciate the need for poo-privacy.

For these reasons I have taken it upon myself to discover which of the toilets on campus I’d rather avoid and which ones provide a comfy, safe place to release a chocolate hostage

Halls

Halls are a tricky place, especially if you share a toilet.

After knowing these people for all of three weeks your bathroom routine is a bit of a taboo subject. So, with a full can of Oust in hand, you try to be as quick as you can and pray that someone doesn’t need be in there after you. 

Telford (one of the better ones)

I’m sure that at some point in your Loughborough lifetime you will end up venturing to a hall with shared bathrooms (if you don’t already live in one).

However if you aren’t nervous and if by some miracle everyone residing in the the flat is very clean, then you’re good to go. But there is always at least one person that is bewildered by a toilet brush or can’t aim to save their life.

If you’re after a “posh poo” Elvyn is the hall you want. It’s a magical place where everyone has their own en-suite and Daddy’s money buys you three ply toilet roll. As University halls go, this is the Shangri La of bathrooms. 

Out and about

On your travels around campus you’ll have a come across some of the more grotty toilets that offer you tracing paper to wipe your arse with.

But there are some places where you can find peace and comfort. 

Loughborough’s athletes and gym rats have quite a cushy deal, if you hit Powerbase at just the right time you can have a glorious dump. Decent stalls, it’s clean, can’t go wrong.

If you don’t have the luxury of being an Elite athlete and have to get your gains outside of the Elite times then the bathrooms become a bit more crowded.

But don’t fret, just next door is Clyde Williams, where rarely a soul ventures. 

Discrete Dumps

With deadlines looming, everyone will be flocking to the library. There is really only one place to go, the top floor bathroom. Recently refurbished, this toilet is the most private in Pilks (not many people can be arsed with the climb).

If you spend a lot of time near the union, and fancy the short walk to Haslegrave, then do it. The bathrooms on the top floor are extremely well kept and quiet so you can drop a brown trout in peace.

I hope you find this hard-hitting, serious piece of journalism helpful. Now you can all shit in piece.