Like a Virgin

Dry patches are like ninja’s; they sneak up on you and I seem to be the only person in Leeds affected by them. I am currently in a 4 month long dry patch of the no pants dance and it is starting to affect my sanity.

The other day I drunkenly tried to use the chat up line “Alright ladies, with an I … and an E … and an S, cos that’s how you spell ladies.” Yes it’s been so long that like some crazed auto correct software on the pull I’ve started trying to get into girls pants (with a p and an a and well I think you get the point) via correct spelling. This is all made worse by everyone at university seeming to either be in a relationship or some gorgeous Athenian pulling machine.

Almost all the advice in the Leeds freshers guide was try not to do too much hardcore partying and wild athletic sex, but if you can’t help it then go wild woooo lol jks. It feels like its Christmas time and I’m out in the cold barren snowy street looking in through house windows whilst everyone else fills up on a dinner of sex turkey. That metaphor didn’t even nearly work but it’s been so long I actually think I’ve forgotten how sex works. I blame university, it’s ruined my ability to talk to women.

I broke up with my girlfriend a bit before summer started (who if your reading this, and I know you are, please ignore the entire article, I am in a veritable orgy of sex and happiness) and so ended up having to try and use Leeds pulling tactics in London. That is very much like trying to use 19th century French infantry tactics in a modern day theatre of war. (Believe me if you know French 19th century war tactics then that was hilarious… Not gonna lie I’m starting to see why it’s been so long.)

Anyway god knows how but during the summer holidays I managed to get a barmaids phone number which was great until I realized I had no idea what to do with it. Unless this girl fancied coming up to Leeds and having a night out in Halo to watch me get drunk enough to feel comfortable trying to get with her then I didn’t think it was going to work.

At university you just need to go to a club and get drunk and quite often through some form of horny student alcohol osmosis you end up in bed with someone. You never remember how it is that you actually get off with someone in a club which isn’t a problem until you try and get off with someone outside a club.

Anyway if you’re a girl that’s in to guys who don’t mind the entirety of the university he’s at knowinghow long its been since he last had sex then my number is 07535983244 so call me… Maybe.