The best ways to put on the Freshers’ 15

Starting university can be tough on anyone. Arguably the worst part of first year is the dreaded Freshers 15. I’m disappointed to say that I fell victim to the prophecy. But as a wise second year I’ll share with you my secrets on how I managed to lose the weight I’d gained, and then some.

The best ways to gain it

Don’t go to the gym

In order to effectively gain a lot of weight in a short space of time, you need to be as lazy as possible. Not going to the gym is a key step in achieving this. In general, any activity that requires leaving your flat and raising your heart rate above  100 bpm should be strictly avoided. This includes not only staying far away from the gym, but also from joining any sorts of sports team or society (unless it’s chess society or something similarly sedentary).

Drink lots

Brace yourselves – because I’m about to tell you something shocking – but alcohol has a lot of calories in it. Did you know that one standard vodka shot has about 100 calories in it? And that a VK has close to 200 calories in it?

this isn’t enough

So if you go out every night, and get absolutely plastered, you’ll get nice and plump before you know it. Some people go out every night in freshers, but I recommend going out at a minimum of 4 nights a week for the entire semester as well so you can strawpedo 15 pounds of calories good and quick.

Never sleep

When you don’t sleep enough, your metabolism doesn’t work the way it should. And also because you haven’t gotten enough rest, your body desires quick energy throughout the day to keep it running.

If your bed is too nap-worthy, move to the floor.

What does this all mean? Sleep as little as possible. When you really do have to sleep, have one of your mates come in and wake you up every 45 minutes, to stop you from having any form of deep sleep. The cracker beds in halls are very conducive to deterring you from sleep.

Overwhelm yourself with stress

When you have sudden pangs of stress, such as when you’re being yelled at by your tutor or when you’re being chased by a mountain lion, you tend to lose your appetite. If you’re constantly stressed out, however, studies show that people tend to have an increase in their appetites.

So to succeed in gaining your destined 15, you ought to let first year really get to you – i.e. by stressing out over either your teeny, tiny pile of course work, whether or not your new friends actually like you, or whether mum will be mad at you if you don’t call her every other night.

Eat everything

Everybody’s favourite route to the prophecy: food. We’re talking crisps, we’re talking chocolate, we’re talking large-for-a-fiver every time you get a glorious snapfax code.

breakfast anyone?

This is something you can do at pretty much all times of the day and night, because food is everywhere and it’s delicious. Just make sure that all the food your taking in is loaded with carbs and fat, and that it’s as processed as possible.

The best ways to lose it

Commit damn it

Commitment is scary, I get it. But if you’ve gained that freshers 15 and you want to lose it, you have to commit to change. This can be the hardest part, because it feels like you’ve got a mountain to climb and no way around it. The easiest way to do this is to get some friends together that also want to make a change and set common goals. This way you can keep each other motivated when all you want to do is sit down in the Tesco’s confectionery aisle and eat everything in sight.

Exercise

I know it doesn’t sound possible, but exercising is fun. Well, maybe not fun, but rewarding. It’s good for your body and your mind, which is very beneficial if you’re one of those really stressed out people (see above). Either join a sports team, or find something at the gym that you enjoy – personally, I’m a fan of Kayla workouts, google it.

you can even bring a newspaper with you to the gym to make your work out that much more fun.

Eat healthy

I know this seems obvious but most people don’t realise how important this is. Just because you exercise doesn’t mean you can eat whatever you want, especially if you’re trying to lose weight (rather than remain fit).

Try not to get sucked into a fad diet, like the Hollywood cookie diet or that one where you only drink juice – because those are just downright bad for you.

ooh baby

Drink plenty of water and give your body the nutrients it needs. This means eating fruits and vegetables, and giving your body the protein it needs to build muscle. And for the love of god don’t shop while you’re hungry.

Sleep more

If you get a solid 8 hours sleep, you’ll be healthier in general, regardless of your metabolism. You’ll also feel happier and more energised which will obviously help you with staying motivated on your diet, but also for doing your course work and other life things. And let’s be honest, what uni student doesn’t love sleep?

Don’t get too crazy about it

It’s good to be motivated and it’s good to really want to make a change for the better, but don’t be too overzealous about it. Let yourself have a cheat day every once and a while. If you go on a bender it doesn’t mean that you’ve ruined all your progress. Don’t beat yourself up for missing the gym because of other plans. The best way to keep consistent with your weight loss, is to forgive yourself and move on when you mess up.