Ranked: Who was categorically the worst of Phoebe’s boyfriends?

Sorry but David needs to grow up

6 months ago

Let’s be honest, Phoebe Buffay had the wildest dating life of any of the Friends group— It was even more mayhem than Joey’s when you really think about it. From a children’s erotica novelist to a diplomat who didn’t speak English and her twin sister’s actual stalker, Phoebe gave every quirky character in New York City the benefit of the doubt for at least one date.

But of the actual long-lasting boyfriends Phoebe had, who was the best and – more importantly – the worst? We’ve ranked all the men Phoebe dated from incredible to unhinged to definitively decide who she should have been with after all:

Mike

Mike was hands down the best boyfriend Phoebe ever had until he became a commitment-phobe and they broke up. Sometimes I wonder whether they ever would have actually gotten back together if Monica hadn’t rung him from Barbados and said David was about to propose instead. But I guess it’s more about the destination than the journey in this case.

Fireman Vince / Teacher Jason

Remember these two? Phoebe was dating them both at once and they were both super pissed when they found out. Part of me thinks if Vince had come along around the same season Mike did then we might have had a seriously different wedding on our hands. Just saying. He was hot, sensitive and good in bed.

Rob

Rob didn’t last long. He heard Phoebe’s voice, loved the way she sounded, asked her to play at the public library for children and seemed like a really nice, wholesome guy. But then Phoebe sort of went on an expletive musical rampage in front of all the kids and got fired and dumped all in one. Admittedly, that’s probably on her. But they do say you can’t say the wrong thing in front of the right person. So, maybe it wasn’t meant to be.

Ryan

Phoebe and Ryan were obsessed with each other. So much so, that they refused to let chicken pox ruin their one weekend together while he was back from the navy. Him being away all the time never would have worked out long term but their connection was super fiery, which tbh is more fun than dealing with someone who doesn’t know what they want.

Gary

Gary was adorable. He said stuff like “You’re the prettiest fake undercover cop I’ve ever seen” and made Phoebe laugh way more than any of her other boyfriends. But, he did ultimately shoot a bird and obviously that’s going to be a dealbreaker for Phoebe. He was a nice guy. Just may have had some questionable views on gun control.

David

Right, not to be savage but David did my head in. He was so obsessed with doing the right thing and being “nice” that he never actually stuck his neck out for what he wanted. He left Phoebe, even though she was allegedly the love of his life, and disrupted her life every time he came back to New York. His indecision would have eventually driven her up the wall. So, to be honest, thank God she met Mike instead.

Eric

This is kind of an evil take but I really think Phoebe had great chemistry and loads in common with Eric. It’s just a shame he was her lying twin sister’s ex fiancé and he couldn’t stand the sight of her face. Would have worked out otherwise!!

Parker

Phoebe has always looked on the bright side of life but this guy just took it to another level.

Roger

This psychologist was actually sincerely evil. Like, nobody wants to be mentally analysed in the most vicious way possible the first time they meet someone. Terror.

Duncan

Duncan fundamentally had to be the worst of Phoebe’s boyfriends because she really was in love with him and he used her feelings to his advantage. Duncan married Phoebe for a green card, told her he was gay and left her to go on tour as an ice dancer, then revealed he wasn’t gay and asked for a divorce so he could marry another woman. Jail!

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