The worst items you can buy on the Conservative Party shop, ranked by how cursed they are

Did you know the Conservative Party runs a merch shop? Much like your favourite pop stars, except in this instance it isn’t Harry Styles or Taylor Swift beaming down at your from overpriced tat, but the icy glare of Margaret Thatcher or the sweaty jowls of Winston Churchill. I didn’t know either, and in many ways I wish I still didn’t. I’ve had quite the laugh scouring the official Conservative Party shop for the worst wares they have to offer, but I left my window shopping with a sense of demented fear and unease. These are all items actually for sale, which means there must be some demand for them. Evil. Anyway – here are the very worst 10 items for sale on the Conservative Party shop, ranked by how truly cursed they are.

10. Tie

I’m including this tie as the 10th worst item for sale for one reason and one reason only: IT COSTS £35. THIRTY. FIVE. POUNDS. For a slither of fabric with the Tory logo on it.

9. Build tea mug

According to this charmless product’s official description,”There’s a lot of work to do as we Build Back Better, with hospitals, homes and infrastructure to Build Build Build. So we’ll all need a few builders’ teas to power us through – it’s a good job we have the perfect mug for them.” I stared at the blue smudges all over the mug for ages before I realised they’re meant to be bricks. O-kay.

8. Pop art tote

Just what I’m sure Andy Warhol envisioned for his trademark art style. I could make this right now in five minutes on an iPhone app. Boris bellowing in a print of pink and yellow is particularly threatening. This also comes in t-shirt form, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Conservative voter use a tote bag. They’re more of a chic, left wing vibe, methinks. Quote me.

7. Thatcher apron

Get it?! Because Margaret Thatcher said “The lady’s not for turning” once! And the pun is instead of a lady turning it’s FOOD is BURNING? Comedy peaked I fear. Great British humour! Har har har! ENGLAND!

6. Baby bib

If you’re a grown adult and want to spend money on the Conservative Party shop, it’s against my recommendation but you are free to make that choice. But it’s borderline child cruelty to indoctrinate a child into having to wear this when they aren’t old enough to consent to it. They’re an innocent, for god’s sake!

5. The fake band tour t-shirt

Absolutely mystified by this one. Here, the tories have reimagined their 2019 election victories as some sort of bizarre UK tour date t-shirt. Quite obscure and confusing, really. Tory content you wouldn’t clock on first glance but then you’d sit and stew over what you’d just looked at and feel a wave of unease rush over you.

4. Boris jigsaw

I felt like for this one if I didn’t keep in what the product actually is then no one would believe me. A jigsaw or Boris Johnson wearing get Brexit done gloves. I’m sorry – but I can’t believe this is actually up for sale from our ruling party. I can’t believe it. WHO IS THIS FOR? I need the shop to post monthly sales figures or something because I won’t know peace.

3. Framed ‘Got Brexit done’ poster

It’s the fact that this has been made without a crumb of irony or humour. It genuinely exists to be deadly serious. They are seriously charging £70 at full price for this to go in somebody’s home. It’s now £34.95 in the sale! Bargain! What’s most funny to me about the fact it’s in the sale is that it’s limited edition and apparently only 250 were made, so the fact the Conservative Party shop hasn’t even shifted that many is both amusing and fills me with a sense of relief that this country hasn’t entirely lost its mind.

2. The *checks notes* … cookbook

I just… I can’t believe what I’m looking at. The Conservative Party sells a cookbook on its shop. Boris Johnson’s contribution is CHEESE on TOAST. The book costs £25 and it’s telling you how to make cheese on toast and Wotsit mac and cheese. I’m truly despairing. I’m at my wit’s END.

1. The assorted jugs

Oh to be a bull in the china shop where these horrors reside. The only thing I will be pouring into these menaces is nightmare fuel.  Not one person looks remotely correct. Why is Thatcher as ginger as a Weasley? Churchill looks like a bug that’s about to burst from a sudden lack of oxygen. Why does David Cameron have eyebrow slits? There’s no bird’s eye view shot of the jugs, so I’m inferring that you put water into them via the scalp – which feels a little maniacal. Not pictured is John Major’s jug, which might as well have been the old man from Disney’s Up.

Worse still is that each of these jugs cost £28.95, so to get a full set of six you’d be spending the best part of £180. Happy days!

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