Which iconic British huns would survive six rounds of Squid Game?

It’s not looking good for Alison Hammond

3 years ago

I have a sickness, and that sickness is shoving British huns into anything and everything. It’s got to the point where I can’t watch a show or a film without imagining fictional scenarios featuring my favourite cohort of icons dropped into the context. The latest being, of course, Squid Game. I can’t help but wonder which of my queens are getting through Red Light, Green Light. I need to know how Gemma Collins would find the patience to scrape out her honeycomb shape. I need to witness the unshakeable and formidable force of Tina Malone doing the tug of war. But most of all, I want to see Charity Shop Sue turn to dirty tricks on the stepping stones bridge. This is how the most iconic British huns would do if they were recruited for Squid Game:

Gemma Collins

Gemma Collins hates playing games. She’s told us many, many, many times. Mostly through endless tears on Celebrity Big Brother. I sincerely doubt her anti-game agenda is going to be altering for Squid Game, even if her life is on the line. Not even the money would tempt any motivation, you think the Front Man is going to pay her mortgage? SHE’S GOT MONEY! Refuses to play Red Light, Green Light and that’s the end of that.

Alison Hammond

Honestly, national treasure Alison Hammond has what it takes to stick around for a good few rounds. If she can hold her infectious laugh in for Red Light, Green Light and not clumsily trip over like that time she stumbled and pushed them blokes into the Albert Dock on live TV – she might be in it to win it. Her downfall comes in the marble game where she gets gullibly tricked out of her marbles because she’s too good and pure for the corrupt world of Squid Game.

Tina Malone

A formidable presence who has the ferocity to take anything the Front Man chucks. “NO fucking man will EVER tell me to shush” you hear her bellow through the labyrinth of Squid Game staircases. You wouldn’t dare trifle with Tina THEE Malone. A feminist queen. A scouse legend. Red Light, Green Light – takes it in her stride. Honeycomb game is in the bag. Tug of war? Untouchable. Tina could go all the way. Queen.

Holly Jervis

Bring on that Squid Game pie! Holly Jervis has what it takes to win. She’s proved it. She’s gone out there and done jobs that she doesn’t want to do just so she can wake up every morning and say she does what she loves for a living! She’s Holly Jervis! “Look at me, here’s my stage” she says entering the dorm. Takes her specs off for tug of war. The Front Man loves her earth shattering vocals so much he asks her to rerecord the Red Light, Green Light song so she can be the new voice of the doll.

Kim Woodburn

Argues back with the workers and gets killed off instantly. They wanted trouble, and by christ they got it in spade loads.

‘White’ Dee Kelly

Wins the money and deserves every penny. A logical queen who knows these games like the back of her hand. If the VIPs aren’t betting on our Dee to win it all they’re making a grave error.

Jenny from Gogglebox

Hopeless, bless her. Gone within minutes. Too flustered and too many mishaps. Jenny was in too deep on Squid Game, bless her, even though she reigns supreme amongst British huns.

Chloe Burrows

Are you fucking serious? She’s a weapon! In it right to the bitter end, because if you can make it to the final of Love Island then making it to the end of Squid Game is practically a walk in the park.

Charity Shop Sue

The Deok-Su of British huns in Squid Game. Sue Tuke would be killing off anyone and everyone to get her hands on that cash. Vera, Kersch and Vicky would be murdered in their sleep. Pure evil. But we bloody love her, don’t we girlies! Our ruthless and selfish icon!

Jo ‘Supernanny’ Frost

“You guys are in a crisis. I’m on my way!” Bellows Jo Frost, on her way to whip that dorm room into orderly behaviour and fair competing in the games. Mama Jo is rational, calm and collected and I would honestly be damned if she doesn’t get to at LEAST the last two games. She’s a force to be reckoned with.

Blanche Hunt

The British huns equivalent of the old man from Squid Game. Everyone spends the entire Squid Game looking out for her and relishing in her iconic quotes and antics and then learns at the end that she’s the mass-murdering mastermind behind the entire grim Squid Game enterprise all along. I really see this for Blanche.

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