Introducing horny girl autumn: Hot girl summer’s older and sexier sister

She exclusively dates people who wear turtle necks


Hot girl summer failed all of us this year. She was gassed up beyond belief and made all of us think we’d be shagging non-stop. After a whole year of on and off lockdowns, shit weather and limits on who we can see, our sexual tension was criminally high. We were promised good weather, immaculate vibes and a lot of sex. But what did we get instead? A lot of us went to festivals (caught covid), or went clubbing (and caught covid) and had minimal to zero physical contact. This was NOT the hot girl summer we were sold.

But don’t worry too much because now we’re entering the next season so incomes horny girl autumn. She is our true chance of living the hot girl fantasy. She’s edgy, crunchy and mega fucking horny. Reckon you have what it takes to enter the horny girl autumn phase of your life? Here’s everything you need to tick off before you can have a successful, randy and sexy autumn:

Someone in their horny girl autumn will exclusively wear all black

Pastels and other bright colours are strictly only allowed on big fluffy coats. Anything else must be pretty much all black or dark colours. It’s all for the aesthetic, plus black goes with everything.

Horny autumn girls have their sexy Halloween outfit planned months in advance

We’ve heard it all before when girls say “Oh no, I’m not like other girls!! I won’t dress up as a sexy cat or devil this year, I am different.” But then they buy cat ears, whack on three lines of eyeliner on each cheek and call themselves a “sexy, spooky cat”. It happens every damn year, just like clockwork. But the difference between those girls and horny autumn girls, is that the latter have their sexy outfit planned months in advance. They intend to go as a horny devil because they don’t know any different and they have no shame!

Their type is people in turtle necks and edgy rings

Her ideal partner is someone who wears a turtle neck and romanticises reading books together in bed on rainy days. This might sound like a sign of a serious relationship but don’t forget she’s here for a horny time, not a long time.

Then again cuffing season is upon us and for those of you that aren’t aware of what cuffing season is, it’s a time where people get grafting and find themselves a significant other for the cold, wintery time of year.

She spends her day going for walks and reading

She sits idly on a window ledge watching the leaves fall as she reads a classic literature book – Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, to be precise. And after a long day of studying English Literature with creative writing, she walks back from uni and waters her house plants (which she is more than capable of keeping alive by the way).

Her bedroom is full of fairy lights, blankets, printed photos from a disposable camera she bought from Boots.

One of her many, many disposable camera pics

Horny autumn girls exclusively drinks pumpkin flavoured hot beverages

Her love of pumpkin spiced drinks isn’t to be mistaken for a Fiat 500 girl who drinks them purely for the aesthetic. In fact, horny autumn girl wishes they were around all year because she’s obsessed with the spooky flavour.

They have been on Halloween-Tok for several months now

Her TikTok fyp algorithm changes all the time from manifestations, crystals and astrology but one thing that keeps cropping up is Halloween. Every other video seems to be some kind of pumpkin flavoured hot drink recipe and halloween baking ideas to do with significant others – she’s obsessed and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Their ideal sexual fantasy takes place in front of a fireplace

Horny autumn girls love to get snuggled up in big comfy jumpers and roll necks as well as thongs and nice bras. But the cold weather is waaaay better for getting steamy in, having sex in the summer makes everything ten times more hot and sweaty. So when it’s cold in the winter, who doesn’t want to shag in front of a warm fire?

She shops in Urban Outfitters only

When Topshop was open she used to adore it, but now she can only be found in fun Iets Frans jumpers and BDG black mom jeans. She absolutely loves platform shoes, whether they’re chunky trainers, Doc Martens or anything with a thick sole, she will be ALL over them.

First date dream is a dimly lit room with candles and Netflix set up

She watches either true crime or really shitty chick flicks – there is no in between. She has candles burning and enough blankets to keep a family of 50 warm, she’s in a state of complete euphoria when she’s wrapped in a blanket. Horny autumn girls always have copious amounts of red wine too, not because they like it, but because it matches their vibe. She walks slowly and quietly, especially when she’s going for more wine, she doesn’t like the attention. She enjoys leaning against fridges, door frames and anything strong enough to hold her – she cradles her wine glass like a hot mug of green tea. If you look now, she’s leaning against your fridge in an oversized jumper, her head is slightly tilted and she’s looking at you with pure admiration – like a proud mum.

Does all of this sound familiar? You might be transforming into the horny girl autumn phase of your life – don’t be afraid, embrace it. Horny girl autumn is EXACTLY who hot girl summer tried to be, only it’s going to be sexier, funner and steamier. We all have a little bit of horny autumn girl inside of us.

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