These are the ten worst Tinder icks threatening to ruin our hot girl summer
Sorry, but if you fill out the passions section I just can’t take you seriously
Hot girl summer is in full swing. The sun is shining, your pandemic-long situationship is finally over and you’ve redownloaded Tinder for the eighth time this year.
Sadly, the hopes of living the hot girl summer of your dreams are crushed when you realise no matter how far away you set your radius, or how broad your age range is, there is not a single man on this app who doesn’t give you the most intense ick possible.
I rounded up the ten most shudder-worthy icks which are all over our Tinder feeds this summer in the hope that some men will read this and get their act together. At the very least, I’ll just play Tinder ick bingo next time I’m swiping to find some validation on a Sunday evening.
1. Any mention of coronavirus
The worst bios I came across include: “If coronavirus doesn’t take you out can I?, or “coronavirs – the only thing missing is u,” or how about, “A throat swab won’t be the only thing you’re gagging on.” Stop, stop, stop.
We have had to endure 17 months of shit tasteless jokes about Covid and I really don’t need any more reminders.
2. Generic chat-up lines which sound like they were written by a 13-year-old boy
You’ve had all this time in lockdown to reflect on your chat-up lines and the best you could come up with is: “Are you a toaster? Because a bath with you will send me straight to heaven.”
No, I’m not a toaster, Ollie, but if there is a heaven, I just hope it’s full of boys who can actually think of opening lines which aren’t recycled from an online article of the “50 best Tinder pick-up lines”.
Comment on my bio, ask me about something in my photos, god forbid even send a “hey x” but please no more generic chat up lines.
3. Having a height joke in your bio
Hey says something like: “6’2, that’s two separate measurements” or “6’4 because apparently that matters.”
I say: “I never found you funny, I never found you entertaining, I never found you smart, I just found you annoying.”
Please, it’s 2021. Being tall might be a bonus, but it’s definitely not a replacement for a personality so can we please stop acting like it is.
4. Filling out the passions thing seriously
Honestly, anyone who fills out the passions section of Tinder seriously screams desperation. The fact you’re into “pubs”, “music” and “festivals” literally does nothing to separate you from the other 200 men in a three km distance and just shows me you’re way too invested in this app.
You get extra negative points if your passion is “comedy” because a man telling you they’re into comedy just feels like a red flag. I can’t explain it.
5. Having a photo of a jet ski in their profile
Yes, it’s summer. Yes, everyone likes the sea. But if you have a photo of you on a jet ski, I’m swiping left faster than that jet ski’s maximum speed. It makes me think you’re either 12 years old, or a raging tory – neither of which are particular turn-ons in my book.
Do us all a favour and save it for your mum’s Facebook feed.
6. Having a photo of them holding a fish in their profile
More water-related content. fish photos are about as fishy as it gets. I could give a whole Ted Talk about why photos of you holding a fish are the most unappealing, disgusting, and downright concerning sight, but it will suffice to say we will never end up on a fishing date together.
Please go find a new hobby, and in the meantime triple-wash your hands to get the smell off.
7. Their bio saying ‘*19 not 22’
This is an instant red flag because honestly what were you doing on Tinder at 15? Why weren’t you making intense eye contact with your crush from across a living room at someone’s house party before texting them, “I wish I’d kissed you” afterwards, like the rest of us?
8. The phrase: ‘Looking for someone to travel the world with’
I know you’re trying to be romantic but can we please try and be a bit realistic? Firstly, have you heard of stranger danger? Secondly, it’s 2021 and going abroad mostly consists of an £80 PCR test either side of travelling.
If you think I’m paying that to go on holiday with a medium-ugly 22-year-old man from Colchester who works in insurance you can think again.
9. Asking if you have snapchat
Right, we may have matched, but if your first message, or ANY message for that matter, asks for my snapchat, you’re getting unmatched. This isn’t the year eight summer holidays, Ben. Who even uses snapchat anymore?
10. Pick-me bios which have the phrase: ‘I don’t message first’
Okay but like, you are aware this is a dating app, right? What kind of up-your-ass person do you have to be to explicitly state in your bio that you don’t message first?
I’m not sure which planet you’re from if you think a bio like that is going to make someone decide you’re a friendly, approachable person they’d like to go for a drink with, but it’s not Earth. Ditch the “I’m not like the other Tinder users” persona and then maybe you’ll have more luck.