Every annoyance you will endure living back with your parents this summer
I am one casserole away from breaking point
I moved out of my family home seven years ago.
In the duration of that entire seven years, the longest amount of time I ever spent back in the house I grew up in was two weeks at Christmas. That was it. No summers, no extended stays. I was SKINT over my uni summers and lived almost exclusively off a diet of Tesco meal deals, but it didn’t matter. That freedom and independence was more important to me.
But I’m about to move to London. And London’s expensive. And in order to combat that expensive issue, I’ve got to save some coins.
And we know what that means. Back to suburbia for this big city queer. I am once again living with my parents And so far? It’s HELL. ON. EARTH.
And this is no disrespect to my Mum and Dad – I’m grateful, and they don’t mean for their behaviours to be inadvertently causing me torment and turmoil. I’m sure my own habits and mood swings are a lot to contend with.
All that aside, though, I’m close to cracking. The annoyances are spilling over. I’m a man on the edge.
I’ve started noting down the things that are raising my blood pressure. I’m using this article as self therapy and a coping mechanism, and luckily for you, I’ve given you a front row seat to it.
Here’s everything you’ll endure if you have to live back with your parents this summer:
Endless shouting between rooms and being told off for noise every three seconds
Is there really a need for this? Must we strain our larynx every time you need to tell me tea’s ready? It’s insufferable. And there’s no winning.
Chances are you have your headphones in, because playing music out loud isn’t worth the hassle of being told to turn it down every 30 seconds when a song gets to a louder bit. You put your headphones in to avoid one argument, but end up in the midst of another once your mum barges in to declare she’s been shouting you for the past 10 minutes.
A repeating cycle of hell.
My mum has become so paranoid about our patio door recently that she’s decided we can’t use it.
It’s the easiest door to use to let the dogs out for a wee, but it’s off limits. Why? In CASE it breaks. It’s not breaking. It’s not even damaged. She’s just worried in case one day it does.
One of many ridiculous house rules you’ll spend your summer contending with if your house is anything like mine.
An abundance of breaded fish
What is it with mums and breaded cod? I cannot open the fridge without getting buried by an obscene amount of fish goujons.
If I have to eat another piece of breaded fish (not even nice battered fish) I swear to god I will SIT my mum in front of Netflix and force her to watch Seaspiracy.
Accepting your Zoom calls are the least important
If my parents are on a work call, we know about it.
I am banned from opening cupboards or doors. I tread round my house on my tiptoes SO CAREFULLY you’d think I was in the midst of a minefield and not my kitchen.
And surely they’ll pay me the same respect for my work calls? OF COURSE NOT! When I’m on a call I’m shouted, tapped and bothered. If you’re moving home for summer, get your mute button handy because you’ll be needing it.
Literally no privacy
Can’t even have a shit in peace. And that’s no joke.
Do we need to give me the third degree about how long I’m spending in the bathroom? Can a man no longer have 10 measly minutes to himself to scroll TikTok and use all the facilities?
Forget anyone knocking before they enter your room when you’re living with parents. Hope you’re quick at pulling your pants back up, let’s just say that.
“Do you watch anything that isn’t about gays?” God. Give. Me. Strength.
Forget relaxing and watching Drag Race. Forget watching anything on the smart telly’s YouTube without being shouted at for congesting the recommendations with “Taylor bloody Swift”. You will sit and watch Dickinson’s Real Deal. Like it or lump it.
Needlessly cursed wall decor
Living with your parents means you’ll be live, laugh, loving your mum’s taste in interior design whether you like it or not. Here’s some classics I’m currently having to coexist with:
If you do end up living with your parents this summer, just know that like all seasons, it will end. You’ll be back in your gaff with your mates soon enough.