I worked out my Deliveroo Wrapped for 2020 and I’ve spent over two grand on takeaways
You’ve heard of Spotify Wrapped but have you heard of: complete and utter embarrassment and shame
Spotify Wrapped is widely accepted as one of the best things about December, and truly marks the year coming to a close. It was no more welcome than in 2020, which I don’t need to tell you was a pretty sub-par year, as years go. But Spotify Wrapped also has the ability to completely expose you. You listened to 56,981 hours of Taylor Swift? Great, I’m worried about you, but share it to your Instagram story anyway! Your top track was Cotton Eye Joe? Sick! You discovered Phoebe Bridgers this year and now your whole top ten looks like you’re depressed? Probably true! But let’s post it and share it with the world regardless.
It’s like a big mass ritual shaming and we love it! It brings us all together (apart from Apple Music users who are, of course, a lesser species) and unites us in embarrassment. You’d think the most revealing and soul-baring thing would be a yearly round-up of your music taste and listening habits, but you’ve forgotten that there is a far more exposing app usage out there. An app which, if your user habits got out, could threaten to truly unmask you for the cretin you are. That’s right: Deliveroo.
I am, I have no qualms in saying, an absolute slut for Deliveroo. Like much more than most people. I am truly in the top 0.01 per cent of users, if we’re talking in Wrapped terms. It’s unhealthy, quite frankly. I Deliveroo shit I could just go and pick up five minutes away. I Deliveroo alcohol and tampons, even pints of milk. I am categorically: the worst. But as a Deliveroo user and Deliveroo Wrapped guinea pig, for once this actually makes me The Best. So I decided to burn myself at the public opinion stake for the sake of everyone else getting a good look at what it would be like if Deliveroo actually did a yearly “Wrapped” feature. Let’s dive in, shall we?
So I spent £2,129. It’s not GOOD is it? In fact, I think most people would be united in saying that’s actually quite bad. But the truth is out there now and I have no way of getting away from it.
I calculated this figure myself with the help of Microsoft Excel, usually my arch nemesis but useful for adding large (emphasis on the word large) quantities of numbers, because Deliveroo refused to hand over my data for the whole year. Perhaps they didn’t want me to see it, for my own good, like letting Pandora open her box or whatever. But I defied them and worked it out myself from my previous 100 orders (accessible through the “My Orders” bit of the app if you have enough time and literally zero other personal commitments) which span the last six months.
Yes, this means I spent £2.1k on Deliveroo in six months, not even a year, but in my defense the other six months I was in lockdown in an area of the countryside with no Deliveroo so I was cold turkey during that time period. Therefore we can establish that £2,129 is roughly the figure for my whole year. I also subtracted any “credit” given to me over the six month period (i.e if I complained that the rider had forgotten my bottle of coke or rice, and so Deliveroo gave me £2.40 off my next order) so that it was entirely numerically accurate. I almost wish I had been a bit more loosey goosey with the figures to give me somewhere to hide but there’s nowhere. We really out here.
Now we explore what I actually purchased that made up that whopping £2,129 grand total and let me say: you have to laugh. Looking back on some of these orders I genuinely seem a bit unhinged. My biggest order, placed at 4am when I was drunk at a party back in Summer when lockdown restrictions were their most eased, I spent £100.46 at an establishment called “Beers From Around The World”. As I recall, the order took an hour to arrive (maybe because they were collecting each of the individual beers from around the world) and I left most of the beers at the host’s house. Nice! Good move, Maddy.
My smallest order was £9.70 (there’s a minimal spend charge on Deliveroo to make sure you aren’t calling out the riders for no reason to ferry you snacks and essential items hahah who would do that x) was an Earl Grey tea and almond croissant from Pret. Legit just those two items. I have Earl Grey teabags in my house, in the cupboard. Completely useable. I understand now, at this point, you may think I am a bit of a joke. You wouldn’t be wrong.
My most ordered items include Pret (yes these orders were frequently just almond croissants and Earl Grey teas) and beers from the BP garage near my house. This garage is roughly a five-seven minute walk away. I also have a strong predilection for Giggling Squid’s sticky chicken and plain rice, which I ordered more than five (!!!) times over the six month period. Other than that, it’s Five Guys and Camile Thai, a local Thai restaurant. Nothing crazy, I’m not out here Deliverooing bottles of champagne. Actually I have done that. Twice.
Overall, I’m quite ashamed of myself. But it’s been a learning experience, perfectly timed to inform my 2021 New Year’s resolution. Perhaps, in the coming year, I might be able to spend less than 1000 smackeroonies on Deliveroo. Imagine a world where that happened. Bliss. I’d heavily encourage anyone wanting a thoroughly good look in the mirror to toll up their Deliveroo Wrapped too and join the shame circle. Maybe we can even set up a support group. I’ll Deliveroo us some snacks to our first meeting!