All the inevitable stages you will go through on every bottomless brunch
The pubs are shut by 10, what else are you meant to do?
Bottomless brunch. All you can drink prosecco, burgers and usually drag queens for just £35. It’s arguably the greatest invention of the 21st century. And never has it been more of a necessity now that the pubs are shutting at 10pm.
Day drinking is going to be our new religion for the next few months and bottomless brunch is the church whose altar we worship at. They’re fun, messy and usually pretty good value for money. And you get the bonus of being tucked up in bed by 10pm still having had a quality day with your mates.
Even though there are many varieties of bottomless brunches, they’re all pretty much the same and most importantly everyone has a similar routine for their bottomless brunch.
These are all the stages you’ll inevitably go though on your boozy bottomless brunch:
The difficult decision of picking where to go
You’ve barely recovered from the last one, before you get that WhatsApp group chat message on a Tuesday evening “bottomless brunch this Saturday?”.
Everyone forgets about the damage they did to their livers to last weekend and says yes immediately. And now comes to the decision of deciding where you want to go. Drag Queen bingo? A high street special? A weird concept one that’s only on once a month? The possibilities are endless, you scan Instagram and Design My Night before eventually settling on the place you went a few weeks ago.
The one who books it sends a very pass-ag message asking you all to transfer them the money “now!”.
The preparation the night before
The group chat is popping off with everyone deciding which incredibly basic bitch separates they’ll be wearing from Pretty Little Thing and Zara.
And then of course the night before or even two days depending on your routine, fake tan will be liberally applied. And then maybe a nice little face mask will be put on.
Besides your wedding day and prom, bottomless brunch is the most effort you’ll ever put in to an occasion. It’s in broad daylight for god’s sake, people can actually see what I look like. Which brings us to…
Getting dressed in the morning for a night out
The getting ready process is extremely long, you basically have to get up at 7am to get it all done. Make up, hair and outfit – it takes time.
And feels slightly odd putting on night out clothes to go to the bar for 11:30am whilst all the old people and families are doing their weekend shopping.
Having the first drink and doing a boomerang
You’ve now arrived after squealed hugs and “hiiis”. You’re given your first drink, maybe a complimentary mimosa or a cocktail or you’re just heading straight to the prosecco.
Whatever the drink is before any one can take a sip, a boomerang MUST be taken of everyone cheersing. And done. You can now sink your mimosa.
First few drinks and things are going well
It should honestly be a Guinness Book World Record how fast you and your group can finish the first drink, already sniffing around for the waiter to give you another glass.
This is the good bit before you’re utterly pissed, your makeup is still in tact and no one has fallen out. A few selfies and catchups later the waiters start asking if you’re ready for your pre-ordered food.
Eating your food
It’s always a burger isn’t it? They seem to think it’ll soak up the fountains of prosecco they’ve been serving you the last half an hour. Weirdly the most unsettling bit of the whole brunch thing is having a burger at midday, not knocking back endless cocktails.
The sensible ones will ensure they eat their whole brunch but the hard going nibble on a few chips whilst downing another glass, food is simply a waste of time.
Really should have done this before the 11th glass shouldn’t you? The majority of your brunch locations are picked for how well they’ll match your Instagram aesthetic. So you can’t leave without taking a shot in front of that neon pink light.
None of the pics will be good, it’s a given and yet they’ll still be straight up on your story. And yes that guy will view it and not message you.
Downing the drinks as your time slot comes to a close
Right you’ve got less than 20 minutes to really milk this bottomless offer for all it’s worth and yet the waiters seem to be taking their sweet ass time, funny that?
Why do they always have the rule that you have to finish your drink before ordering another one? So rude. It’s bottomless, that’s the whole point. Anyway you manage to knock back another three glasses before the two hours are over.
Walking out into the fresh air and realising you are completely pissed
The whole wait staff are glad to the see back of you as they kick you out under the pretence of needing the table. So you all stumble out into the daylight and are hit with the realisation that it is only 3pm.
Children and old people are still out, this is so wrong, the only place you are safe is another bar.
Decide to move onto the next place
Whoever has drank the least leads the group to the next bar, it’s probably roofless, where you continue the heavy drinking. Someone will throw up, two people will get into a fight and one will be texting a guy.
You’ll be in bed by 10pm and ready to do it all again next weekend.