If you want to get over a boy, imagine him doing these 35 things and you will
3. Jumping up and down at a gig
Did you know that the original Bible is missing a verse? It’s true. The very first book, Genesis, lacks a key bit of information we all need to decode the world around us. It was thought to be lost to the sands of time until one day Britney Spears found it and whacked it in her album Overprotected. The verse? “Boys. Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.”
Thanks to Britney, we know the truth: Boys are shit. In the bedroom that is your mind they’ll barge in unannounced, make a mess, subject you to really crap sex and then leave. Now you’re sat there in a messy bedroom with a broken heart. How can you get over this boy? You ask yourself. Well, thankfully there is a very neat trick, devised in part by the geniuses of TikTok, where all you have to do is picture him doing something a little bit silly and suddenly every horny forlorn impulse you had towards him vanishes instantly. Take your ex that you’re not over and imagine him doing the following. You’ll see what I mean:
1. On a trampoline playing crack the egg and he’s the egg
There’s nothing quite like the foetal position to infantilise a man. For added flair picture his parents doing the bouncing.
2. Trying to hit a piñata and missing
Not that we really ~do~ piñatas in the UK but still jokes.
3. Jumping up and down at a gig
COMING OUT OF MY CAGE AND I’VE BEEN DOING JUST FINE…
4. Clenching his butt in the mirror
Idk why he would be doing this. Maybe to get a killer butt selfie for an art project?
5. Running to catch a bus he just missed
To make it better it’s raining and a car has just gone by him kicking up a load of dirty road water right in his fuckboy face.
6. Having to put something back in a shop because his mum said no
It’s probably a bag of Pick n Mix.
7. Asking someone to take a hit of their Juul
Like obviously having a Juul in the first place is embarrassing enough but to plead with another Juuler for a hit of their little vape stick is just… Ew.
8. Screaming on a rollercoaster
Hands in the air for extra fun!
9. Swimming underwater with goggles on
Wouldn’t want the nasty chlorine to hurty wurty his ickle eyesie weyesies.
10. Reading out loud
It is a well known fact boys are very bad at this.
11. Tripping on the bottom stair
The best thing about this is you can imagine them them tripping up the stairs and then imagine them tripping down the stairs. Truly this is why we developed cognitive power.
12. Learning a TikTok dance
Not even one of the good ones either. Probably an outdated one like Savage or Blinding Lights.
13. Throwing up
There are a lot of people who say you should picture him taking a big doodie but that’s gross. Getting a bit too piddled on a night out, though? H u m i l i a t i n g.
14. Wearing water shoes in the ocean
To protect his little feetie weeties fro- you get the idea.
15. Waving at someone thinking they were waving at him but they’re waving at the person behind him
This is the most excruciating thing you can ever experience. In that moment all your past rejections and humiliations rush back into your mind like an unstoppable avalanche of shame and regret. And you know what? Josh deserves to experience it.
16. Going to Tesco and choosing a meal deal
Not that there’s anything wrong with meal deals it’s just, you know, quite banal.
17. Losing his balance on a bus
And falling on an old lady or a child.
18. Getting excited by a shit song in a club
…GOTTA GOTTA BE DOWN BECAUSE I WANT IT ALL
19. As a foetus
Okay picturing him in the foetal position wasn’t enough? Well if we’re infantilising men why not go the whole hog and just make him a foetus? Fuck it – a sperm. A lonely, miserable little sperm.
20. Celebrating too early in bowling and then not getting a strike
Being shit at bowling is supremely beta.
21. Trying to take a good selfie
And then realising that he can’t because he’s pig ugly and that’s why it doesn’t MATTER that he dumped you.
22. Chasing something that blew away in the wind
Like a leaflet he really wanted to read, or a menu.
23. Scrolling through their camera roll to find pictures for their Tinder profile
And there are none because he’s U G L Y (see 21).
24. Eating corn on the cob
Then cracking a smile to reveal he’s got it all stuck in his teeth.
25. Standing outside the shower butt naked waiting for the water to warm up
Can’t be too cold otherwise his little peen will shrivel up. You hear that, Dan? You have a little peen.
26. Looking up the lyrics to his favourite song
Probably a rap song. Probably by Eminem. Yikes.
I don’t mean his teeth (there’s corn still in them by the way). I mean the stupid Fortnite dance. Even better to imagine him filming it for a TikTok.
28. Doing the video to apply for a Monzo card
Why is this such an off-putting concept?
29. Riding a scooter
30. Standing awkwardly in the line to checkout with only one item his mum told him to go buy for dinner
Just imagining him living at home with his mum like a little bitchboi is enough but also adding in the image of him being bossed about like a megabitchboi is even better. I can see it now, Ryan standing in the line with one (1) avocado, tapping his foot.
31. Failing to start a chant at a sports event
Oggie Oggie Oggie!!!!!!……
32. Getting tomato sauce stains on the corners of his mouth from food
Oh God I’m gonna vom.
33. Laying out his clothes for non uniform day
Gotta make sure that Superdry tee is ready to go to impress the lads tomorrow!
34. Having a door held open for him and doing an awkward little jog to get to them
It may feel like an arbitrary act of kindness but it in fact puts mere mortals in a position of complete subjugation. Felix or James or whatever his stupid name is will have no choice but to do a silly little canter to get to the door. The fool.
35. Struggling to put luggage in an overhead compartment on a plane
Then, right, he gives up and resolves to put it under his seat. Then the flight attendant comes over and is like “urrr sorry but you have to put in the overhead because it’s too big.” He gets up to put it in the overhead, awkwardly pushing past the person next to him who tuts disapprovingly, only to find the overheads are ALREADY full. Mwhahahahahahaha.
God, I feel better already.
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