49 people to avoid at all costs this term because they will ruin everything
Never trust a girl in gym leggings
You might think those promoters handing out 2for1 Jägerbomb vouchers at the SU night are friendly, you might actually listen when medics moan about rounds and you might really believe that guy in a bucket hat when he says he's a DJ. Well sorry friend, but you are about to be disappointed.
Before you ruin uni by hanging out with a load of melts, here is a comprehensive list of all the people you should avoid:
Everyone single person you met during Freshers' week
Just cause this guy bought you a watery blue shot and gave you a filter it doesn't mean you are meant for one another. The next time you speak is when you accidentally ring them, "I think you called the wrong Ryan".
People on the corridor above in halls
"You should come to ours for pre-drinks one time cause honestly we have so much in common with you guys". After one dull session of Ring of Fire you all separate into two distinct groups. Now when you walk past them in the library, you have to pretend to text.
That person that comes out naked when the student halls fire alarm goes off
Please find a better way to attention seek.
Why do you routinely ssh me when I ask my mate for a pen, but also walk around talking unbelievably loudly: "I THINK JANE AUSTEN SECTION IS OVER HERE PAUL".
They will be wearing a V neck jersey from M&S, have short grey hair and the unamused face of someone whose idea of fun is charging you £3 for forgetting your library card.
Psychology girls because they will drink you under the table
They'll feed you so much prosecco, when Beyonce comes on in Prysm, you will tear your hair extensions out and swing them around your head. Then you'll eat a donner kebab off some guys bare chest and text your ex: "you will nrwrjr see disz ass agAin x x".
That person who you sat next to in the first lecture and from then on you were stuck with them
You bonded over how neither of you can find the room, red and sweaty and affectionate in that "God we are so disorganised aren't we" sort of way. But you have nothing in common, all you talk about is how hungry, cold or tired you are.
People who bring up politics all the fucking time
They always begin conversations with, "look, my Dad came from a working class background…" yes but you didn’t did you? There is only so many times I can listen to you talk about the importance of access to the single market before I get so frustrated I eat my own fist.
//EXAMS ARE OVER AND THAT MEANS ONE THING TEQUILA TUESDAYS// MSG ME 4 GUESTLIST XO//TICKETS SELLING FAST//
That quiet guy in the friendship group everyone says is a 'legend'
"He doesn't say much but when he does it's absolutely classic, his humour is so dry." Sorry but is he fun or does he just say, "shut it" every now and again and people fully lose their shit?
The drunk guy in a North Face who says he can get you in for free because he 'knows the bouncer'
You don't know him, just because one time he called you "pal" and lent you a lighter.
The girl who never lets her mates go back to a guy's houses
"Sarah, you don't even know this guy, you will regret this in the morning."
I know he is wearing a pub crawl t-shirt which says "keep calm and crawl on" over it, he might have the floppy fringe of a 14-year-old skater and be wearing khaki combat pants but I need affirmation from the opposite sex.
Guys who wear blazers everywhere
Are you on work experience?
People who say they haven't started revising yet when right next to them is a folder of colour co-ordinated spider diagrams
She will have Cath Kidston, a packet of tissues and Vaseline on her at all times. She loves the Great British Bakeoff, sweet and salty popcorn and she started revising months before you.
Was the Haribo cola bottle worth it for the dry chat you had to endure whilst voting for them? Yeah I am so hungover too man, yeah I am never going to drink again either.
Girls who own Fiat 500s
Always in jeans and a nice top, with their freshly highlighted blonde hair, Zara aviator coat and Joni jeans. You can just tell they have their shit down. Good thing they always lend clothes.
Literally all Law students
Are Law students capable of talking about anything that isn't Law? They are always inserting themselves in debates with annoying retorts like, "It is all relative isn't it" and "well that is quite a sweeping statement", "let him make his point". This isn't the Royal Court of Justice, we are in the smoking area of Tiger Tiger.
Forever sporting a self-satisfied smirk, "oh you have an essay on the Easter Rising in Ireland? That kind of reminds me of what I am doing at the moment. We are actually looking at ligaments in the ankle." Fuck off and let me do my useless degree in peace.
Your mate's hometown friend who comes up every other weekend
At first it is nice meeting Marky from Birmingham. He fits in well with the group, we like his impression of Paddy McGuinness, he's always getting the rounds in because unlike the rest of us, he actually has a job, working for his Dad's construction company.
Slowly he creeps in, sleeping in your bed because he doesn't want to sleep on the sofa again, taking your spot in the UBER because "he doesn't know Newcastle like the rest of us", eating your Coco Pops and asking for a iPhone charger. Mate, go home or apply to do Sports Science as an excuse to do a degree.
Girls who are always in gym wear
Whilst you are sat in a fluffy pink dressing gown licking Nutella off a spoon whilst watching Peep Show, these girls are eating quinoa, nutri-bulleting flax seeds, and squatting themselves to the physique of a Love Island cast member. That is, if they are actually off to the gym.
People in bright purple Leavers hoodies
Will have two ciders and say, "probably should leave it there tonight boys, got a seminar at 9am".
People who eat smelly sandwiches in the library
Why are you eating a lukewarm egg and cress sarnie that has been stewing in your bag the whole morning?
People who go on about their drug dealer like they're mate's with them
Alright Ralph, Dez in the black anorak doesn't actually like you, he likes how he can sell you shit MD for way too much money.
People determined to get a first
They spend the entire lecture asking boring questions like, "will this be in our assessment?" and furiously scribbling everything the professor says onto a Pucca pad even if it's totally irrelevant: "next week we'll be in room 1A for the seminar". Honestly, why did you write that down?
People who take all the books out the library
Don't know who loaned them out? Look for someone with an Evian bottle, listening to a Music for Concentration Spotify playlist, wearing chelsea boots and a statement necklace from New Look. You have to pretend to be friends with her for a week to get your hands on that Routledge guide to the enlightenment.
Posh kids who came to uni in pink trousers and now are wearing Ellesse tracksuits and bucket hats
These guys are nuts, go on a night out with them and it will take you a week to feel human again.
People in a long distance relationship
I really can't be arsed saying "I know, I know" in the smoking area whilst you cry about how much you miss him again. Also, I am bored of having to wave at your boyfriend every time I walk past your Skype screen when you are talking to him in the kitchen.
The partner of your friend who is in a long distance relationship
You go to the pub and somehow end up sat next to this absolute tuna melt. Hey so you're from Buckinghamshire right? You're a personal trainer? Ah that's cool man. Yeah I try to keep in shape. What you doing this weekend?
Wagamama's and then Friends on Netflix? Hang on a second mate, I'm just going to get a drink. Yeah I do already have a pint, just want another one you know. Catch you in a bit mate.
People who say 'aww freshurrr'
We are actually the same age? I just took a year out? But yeah cool.
You'll find them on Sports Wednesday, flaying around like baboons, sloshing their flat beers everywhere, chanting "we like to drink with Tommy, cause Tommy is our mate…" They can be identified via their Oxford blue shirts and beige chinos, pretty sure the only words they are able to pronounce are "banter", "classic", "unay" and "chunder."
Do you actually DJ or do you just takeover the Spotify account at pre-drinks and refuse to let people listen to anything but your progressive House mix? "Honestly, just wait for the drop, wait for the drop".
People who stand behind DJs for their entire set just to prove they know them
It doesn't even look fun up there.
The person who never has baccy
Admit it, you smoke.
People who walk around the library in socks
Are you at home in Leicester watching Come Dine with Me or are you in a public place?
That person who still hasn't found a house
Those needy Facebook statuses are getting waring.
English Lit students
Look at them with their smug black polo necks, their battered Doc Martins, tortoiseshell glasses and tiny hoop earrings. Yeah we get it, the book is better than the film, but please, before I die of boredom, stop explaining to me the symbolism of trees in post-war literature.
People who go on about weed
If they are not talking about how weed cures cancer they are explaining how it raises you up to a higher consciousness. Apparently it also makes people dull as fuck.
Hall cleaners who get annoyed at the fact they have to clean
Yeah I am really sorry I left that Beef and Tomato Pot Noodle out until it was blue and furry and I know I shouldn't piss in the sink when the toilet is just a few feet away. But please don't look at me like that, it slices into the heart of my middle class guilt.
Guys with that poster of a Tennis player scratching her arse
Definitely the sort to say: "She came back to mine and we were kissing and stuff and then she said she didn't want to have sex, so I told her to get out because why would you come back to a fellas house if you are not going to have sex?"
The person who won't go into their overdraft
It's free money tho.
People who go to the cocktail society social more than one time
Guaranteed to have no actual interests.
They hate you and your slurring posh voice, your audacious shit shirt, those greasy fingers that are smearing doner meat all over the seats and the way you ask: "how's your night been?" as if you understand any struggle beyond your Biology A Level exams.
People that look at you like a piece of shit every time you take drugs
Their mouth tenses, they laugh at you in a mean snorty manner, pointing out annoying shit like: "why is your jaw moving?" "are you worried? You look worried" "why are you sweating so much?"
But rest assured, by third year they will be spending their weekends smushed into a sofa shovelling ket up their nose and telling you that they have snakes all over their body. Ah how the mighty hath fallen.
People who bring loads of cutlery to uni
Be wary of anyone who comes to uni with a wok, toastie maker, or a Crock Pot. They are the sort to get annoyed if anyone uses their margarine, every time you leave a bowl out within minutes they will post a picture of it on the group chat, they will not tolerate joy past 11:30pm.
One advantage: they are definitely the sort to bake cupcakes.
People who put a cleaning rota up on the first day
The person that pretends they are immature and dumb to get away with doing nothing
I don't care that your mum used to hoover your room, make you nice little ham sandwiches with chutney, iron your boxers and fold them up in your cupboard, I still don't believe you don't know how to clean a toilet and can you please order the UBER for once?
Men who go on nights out wearing ironic onesies purchased from Primark
Always sharking on girls in clubs, they use the elephant or monkey costume as a guise to pretend to be funny and inoffensive. But rest assured he try and snog every single girl in your friendship group.
Girls that go up to guys in clubs and nick their hats
If you want to look edgy, you can go onto the Sports Direct website and pay £28 for a flimsy navy Nike hat, just lay off mine.
People that hog the joint
Are you going to take an 11th drag on that or?
Art History girls that will always outdo you in every sense of the word
Not only are they fitter than you, always wearing black, heeled boots and tartan and glossy no makeup-makeup, they're also legitimately cultured. Much cooler than your anecdotes about being hungover in a lecture or whatever you say to attempt to impress people.
People that bring up all the embarrassing shit you did last night
“Do you remember how you told Mikey he was a prick? Then for some reason you were crying on the steps of Tup Tup and everyone could see your red blotchy face. Oh yeah, and then you tried to drink some cider but you just dribbled it all down yourself. Worst was when you pissed on the main street, people were asking if you were okay – it was baad”.
People who always get way too fucked
Why did you strawpedo that bottle of Echo Falls? Now I am arguing with a taxi driver about how it definitely doesn't cost ninety quid to clean sick out of a car, even if it is bright pink.