The bakery, speedy checkouts, the random aisle: Things you will only understand if you are a true believer in Lidl
Their baked goods should be available on the NHS
Lidl is something that, when it walks into your life, it will change things forever. It will be with you through the highs and the lows. Off to a techno night in a musty warehouse? Lidl will provide chuddy, a bottle of rosé and some lip salve for less than your bus fare.
And the next morning when you wake up feeling like your mouth is a subsaharan desert, you can crawl back to Lidl and it will nurture you like Gaia, the mother of all life. Selling you Monster Claw crisps, Potato Hoops, pesto and tomato focaccia breads and trumpets. Not that you would ever need a brass instrument at 2pm on a Sunday, but if you did, Lidl do actually stock them.
Would you rather die than be seen in Asda? Do you know your Echo Falls Summer Fruits from Lidl's Zinfandel? Does Linda on checkouts as you about your holiday? Well then, this article is for you.
The staff are so quick at scanning items they could be in the Olympics
The women serving you always have an angular bob, streaky blonde highlights and acrylic nails. They might appear warm and squidgy like your old school dinner lady Linda but if you don't bag your stuff fast enough you'll be getting cocktail sausages and Frubes flying at you. Truly supreme customer service.
Lidl's baked goods are ~iconic~
So good this girl is literally posing with bread as though it's a celebrity. It smells of a pantry in a countryside manor. When I walk in all I want to do is roll my face around in some white squishy tiger bread. Lidl needs to apply for The Bake Off season 9.
Its rivalry with Aldi is a battle of the titans
If you are the type who spends all your student loan on fags and overdue library charges, then there are only two supermarket options available to you: Lidl or Aldi.
Who cares if Aldi has better vegetables? I mean carbs > carrots. Unless it is a potato, I'm not bothered.
In the middle of Lidl there is that random section full of gloriously random shit
You walk in to get some ravioli and come out with bongo drums, a whiteboard, a flux cord wire welder and some hair straighteners. Never will you say "do I actually need this" more in your entire life. Although the answer will definitely be no, you will end up dragging this petrol generator back to your flat. I mean why not, it was a tenner.
They sell meat in there that sounds similar to something you'd be forced to eat on I'm a Celebrity: Get me out of here
Is it legal to eat Ostriches? Aren't they more of a take your 5-year-old child to see them in the zoo sort of animal? Lidl might stock deluxe protein, but it's not snobby, there will always be some bloke behind you in the till queue with nothing but fake Coco Pops and packets of smelly cheese and onion crisps.
Lidl is so cheap you could pick up a month's worth of food and it would still be under 20 quid
You could probably buy a human heart in there for 99p. Meanwhile Waitrose is so expensive you practically have to give away your first born son to pay for one half filed bag of muesli.
There is literally no system, you have to forage for your shopping like a caveman
Whilst other shops probably spend thousands setting out the shop to condition you to buy more. Putting the milk right at the back and all of the own brand items out of eyesight. But Lidl, well they just jumble everything together, putting pesto next to the face wash. It makes you feel like your in a daytime TV game show presented by Noel Edmunds, "Supermarket Rush".
Their vegetables go off really quick which means you actually might eat your five a day
The vegetables look like they've been bashing at the bottom of your bag for a whole day, but that means you have to eat them before they are fully brown. All the people that voted for brexit because the EU were getting rid off funny shaped carrots must love Lidl's selection of inbred looking veggies. See below a marvellous chode banana.
Say what you want, at least they own the vegetable quality
Look at this sign where they have written "fresh" in inverted comas as though they're being really humble and their food is not fresh but growing blue fur all over.
Amazing that they have spent thousands on these signs only to write something totally grammatically incorrect.
You have never experienced fear as when Lidl runs out of plastic bags
Especially when in your arm you have a pair of shoes, three ripe melons and a massive bag of walnuts. Walking home from Lidl with all your shit like "is there no justice in the world?"
Lidl might be cheap but they stock things that are totally clean eating vlogger vibes
There is a nut dispenser, Manuka Honey, Deluxe Oak & Applewood smoked Scottish salmon slices and this isn't even a sponsored article. You just need to know about this stuff, this is pure charity.
They sell prosecco for £3.33 so that everyone gets to live life as a Surrey posh girl
By selling prosecco this cheap Lidl is basically enacting low-key socialism. Okay no but it does mean we can all act as if we have white Land Rovers, white jeans, Barber coats and aged tweed, "so beaut yah".
And judging by this woman's tweet, the bubbly gets you battered:
Not like when you think you've won when you get in a four pack of beer for £2.95 from the corner shop and get home and realise it is non-alcoholic.
Even if you have literally no money you can still afford booze from Lidl
You might have fluffed away all your Christmas money in William Hill, but no matter what you will be able to head to Lidl and pay for pre-drinks. Yeah whatever Grey Greezy, it is all about paying £9.97 for Lidl's 40% Rachmaninoff vodka.
Or there is this rose that may or may not dissolve your insides.
They sell such rogue products that you will never find anywhere but inside a Lidl
What is this vegetable and if I eat it will it impregnate me with an alien that will then erupt out of me and spew loads of flubber everywhere?
The whole place is full of non existent made up objects like apple stands and peanut baskets and because Lidl is bae you believe that those are things exist in the real world and could actually improve your life.
But when you go to get something really basic like chilli flakes or butter they won't actually have it
Who is behind ordering the stock at Lidl? Are they pissed, do they just scroll around ticking off things for the bants?
Lidl is the pettiest supermarket brand i am here for it
Forever reducing their products by 1p, literally clap for this act of charity guys. They make me feel good about all the ex-boyfriend I have unfollowed on Instagram.
Even though everything is own brand, Lidl tries adorably hard to pretend they are selling actual established brands
I have no idea how they haven't been sued yet. I mean, Cien looks suspiciously like Head and Shoulders.
Don't try be something you are not Lidl, we love you just the way you are.