People who choose to shower in the morning are sick in the head

Why would I wake up 15 mins earlier than I have to?

There are two people in this world. Those who possess common sense and those who have literally no clue and are doing life wrong. Yes I am talking about those people who think it's okay to shower in the morning. Not only do you lose valuable alarm snooze time, you have to turn up to work with wet floppy hair that's too soft to be styled and despite popular opinion, it isn't more hygienic. I have put in some real life science into this article to prove it. Here is why morning showerers are literally wrong in the head:

Those who shower in the morning are generally sad, sad humans who need to reassess themselves

People who tell you showering is a "great start to the day", need to leave it out. They are the neggy ones that tell you to find more stats for your group presentation, even when it only counts for 4 percent of your final grade. The overtly keen people that "check in" to places on Facebook and say "boy did good" when all their boyfriend did was get them a cup of tea. They have definitely told you that smoking is bad. They are a walking talking version of dry January and they are here to shit all over your vibe.

If you shower in the morning you don't have time for fundamental shit like drawing on eyebrows

Because obvi I am not going to wake up 15 minutes earlier, that is just not an option. Sleep is precious. Go to sleep earlier you might say, but I treasure my 11pm procrastination time where I could sleep but instead I swipe left through everything Bumble shows me. And anyway, what if I need to wash my hair or shave my legs or exfoliate my crusty fake tan scales? That takes at least 40 minutes.

It is just cleaner, who sweats after they get home from work?

Oh yeah, like when I am in bed watching The Crown I have to keep applying roll on lest I melt – er no.

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If you shower in the morning you have to wash your sheets way more

Eww, you're just bringing 9 hours worth of foot juice under the duvet and letting it stew there please.

You'd miss out on that post-shower towel moment where you sit on your bed and think about your life for no reason whatsoever

Don't know why everything becomes so blisteringly clear once you have a towel wrapped around your wet hair but it just does. You think through your drama, that time you drunk texted the guy you dated in year 8 "I weell neever forgdt you" before accidentally liking your ex-bestfriend's third ever Insta post so she knows you've been stalking the deep cuts of her social media. But rather than panicking like when you are just about to fall asleep, now it all feels kind of okay. Literally get me some yoga pants, I might be the zen-ist diva in the UK. Where would all these wholesome moments be if you showered in the morning?

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Panda eyes are best dealt with through evening showers

Every time you shower mascara will somehow have make it to down to your chin. If you sleep on it, it will be gone when you wakeup, if you shower in the morning you have to spend 20 minutes scrubbing it with a Simple wipe. Cba.

You have to shower queue with your annoying housemates who are just as lame as you

You wake up and as you peel the sheets off your body and feel the cold air and real life and the £36 WIFI money you still owe BT and the totally made up footnotes on your essay that you are probably going to be penalised for and every other bullshit thing sinks in, you hear the sound of a door shutting as some cunt slips into the shower before you.

You end up turning up to university unshowered, you are unable to make a point in lectures because you have to keep your arms clamped down lest everyone smell you.

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How can you chill out after work if you don't shower?

When you open the door into your house and all that is going through your head is emails…I am so going to get done for plagiarism…why did I just copy out the Routledge guide…fuck Turnitin…why don't I ever check emails…can you get extenuating circumstance for a period?…fuck History, I should have done a season in Ibiza… The only way to get rid of these thoughts is to sit down at the bottom of the shower and let water fall on you.

Getting out of the shower into cold air is probably the hardest thing life throws at you and mornings are bad enough

When you shower in the evening you can make this bearable by standing under the water for ages. But in the morning you have to be rapid. All you can think is, my bus is due in 5 minutes or I could get the next one, should I get the next one?????? Should I???? FUCK

If you have any form of sex life when your partner showers before bed you can be safe in the knowledge that all orifices are squeaky clean

This is fundamental when you are at that stage in your relationship where you take your makeup off before having sex rather than after. When you just want to flop asleep afterwards rather than getting up and baby wiping off your mascara. It is literally the most romantic thing in the whole world when they shower before sex. Try putting your mouth around a penis that has spent all day stewing in badly ventilated lecture halls with unnecessarily high central heating. No thank you. I will take the after taste of Radox any day.

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