These new British life goals will confirm just how badly your life is going
Leave home at 21? AHAHAHHAHHA
Are you the sort of person that eats Coco Pops for dinner? Have you spent the last 75p in your bank account on Bet35 accys?
Well to make you feel worse about your pitiful life, researchers at GiffGaff money have conducted a survey with 1,500 adults on the life goals of modern Brits. The results range from buying a house by the age of 26 (lol) and pushing out babies at 27. Terrified? Wait until you read the rest of the list.
First kiss: 16
Yeah maybe if it was the Victorian era. Most Brits have snogged someone before completing their GCSEs.
Exceptions to the rule make up intricate lies up about snogging someone on their last family cruise holiday, "I would show you a picture but they don't have Facebook". Mhmmm.
First holiday without parents: 18
Very accurate. Most British teenagers jet across Europe to slurp from blue pitchers, sing Motel by Pitbull or that 'SHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTS" song, wear t-shirts that say things like "poonani pounder" on the back and cheat on girlfriends, before spewing the blue liquid back out.
Passing driving test: 18
If you grew up in a market town where travelling down the road involved waiting 12 minutes for a single decker bus that costs £1.90, you will understand the cultural capital involved in driving.
But 18???? Ideally you want to be ragging your mates down one way streets in the FIAT Punto by 17.
First serious relationship: 18
If you call fumbling clueless sex in your single bed before you go downstairs to have dinner with your parents "serious" then yeah.
Owning first car: 18
Most 18 year-olds can barely afford a £7.50 double vodka and coke in Prysm, let alone heading down to their local Masda dealership.
Leave home: 21
Technically this is correct. But GiffGaff have failed to include that we will return to the nest 23 after realising our 2:1 in Ancient History is useless. We will spend the next 65 years being nagged by our mums to rinse off plates before they go into the dishwasher.
Meet my lifelong partner: 25
This is when the "life goals" become skin-crawlingly terrifying. You might think your 20s will be spent at kinky sex parties, huffing lines of coke off men with thick abs, not curled up under a duvet talking about "where things are going". Major ick.
Move in together: 25
So you have located an appropriate life partner that ticks all the boxes, he is sentient, like you he's just started the Sopranos boxset and has the same 10:45pm bedtime. You may have just met this guy, but after one date to Zizzi's it's time to pack it in and become committed because you're only wasting money on rent, right?
Buy my first property: 26
I mean, yeah. If you live in Guilford and you're one of those people that bulk orders kitchen roll from Amazon and carries foil covered tuna sandwiches everywhere to save on food money.
Have children: 27
This means I have just 6 years to get over the fact that I still think women carrying babies in their abdomen sounds like something from the horror film Alien.
Get married 28
Maybe for the Facebook likes?
Have my own car parking space: 31
Do actual humans aspire to things like this? I thought most people just rolled off the 39 bus and walked into work, or yanno, just settled for any unoccupied plot of concrete.
Have ‘manager’ in my job title: 31
This is only a thing if:
– You started blogging age 12.
– At university you were one of those people in 85928501 different societies.
– Your parents literally exhale good work experience placements.
– The thing you manage is a restaurant chain branch like Pizza Express.
– "Assistant" is also somewhere in your title. E.g. Assistant Manager of Vue Cinema.
Be offered shares in the company: 32
Soon as anyone utters the words "stocks", "shares" or "investment" I just hear this null beeping noise running through my head. Don't lie, you do the same.
Considering that most of my 23 year-old friends have just learnt how to do their tax returns, I highly doubt any of us will have 'shares' in anything except funny Facebook memes.
Earn more than 40k: 33
Yeah perhaps, if you haven't already been made redundant from your creative marketing job before being replaced by an A.I. robot named Sam.
Have ‘director’ in my job title: 36
You will also be going out with Megan Fox, have won a BAFTA and have an E! hollywood story episode dedicated to you.
Going self-employed and owning my own firm: 46
The only "self-employed" our generation can look forward to is the one where you call yourself a "freelancer" because you can't actually get a full time job.
Buy a second property for investment: 48
So you can fulfil your dream of becoming a landlord. Look forward to ignoring emails on anything from leaky radiators, rat infestations and broken heating systems.
Buy a place abroad: 50
No more all-inclusive package holidays with Thompsons, now you actually own a house in Spain. You will enjoy doing everything you already do at your house in Guiseley except it'll be 10 degrees warmer.
Other activities will include fish and chips in Irish pubs, being hated by locals and getting a tan so severe you look like a red leather Prada bag.
Be mortgage free: 51
So you have a house in the UK, a holiday home in Spain and another buy-to-let, but no mortgage? Seems legit.
Have a million pounds in equity: 52
Unless you're one of those jammy bastards that comes up with a weird invention like a new sellotape dispenser and ends up earning millions off the patent, this is never, ever, EVER happening.
We will be doing company accounts from lounge chairs in Bupa retirement homes.