The road you live on in York will define you

It’s that time of year again: the stressful house-hunting season, where which road you choose to live on next year speaks volumes about you. 

Freshers are panicking that they won’t find the perfect house with their new BFFs for life. Second years are becoming concerned that they won’t get any of the good houses before the freshers swoop in.

It’s manic. But what does where you live say about you – and who can you expect to be your new neighbour?

Hull Road

The crème-de-la-crème of student housing. Close to town, good chippies – what more could you want?

Unless you’re on the Black Bull end of Hull Road, of course, or you like your kitchens free of damp. The majority of neighbours will be society-following keenos, with loud music into the night, more sports equipment than is sensible and generous lashings of banter.

Residents are most likely to be: Just about to head out for a cheeky Nando’s before throwing some shapes in Salvo.

Heslington Road

Populated entirely by six girl households or workmen with white vans.

Heslington Road is disgustingly close to town and because of this the combined alcohol consumption of the street is probably high enough to drown a hen party.

These girls weigh up the merits of working in One Stop on a weekly basis, and would do to fund “wine night in with the girlz” if not for the damage it would do to their rep. Often to be found exiting Hull Road after a particularly heavy one.

Residents are most likely to be: In Bison, catching up on last night’s gossip.

Tang Hall

These people have no concern for their personal safety. Everybody hears the rumours about Tang Hall, but these guys just don’t care.

The district is made up of dreary houses holding dreary parties, and an abundance of random guys in grey tracksuits who probably either want to mug you or sell you drugs.

This area is almost as bleak as Halifax College, which is convenient as it’s probably where most residents came from.

Residents are most likely to be: Reassuring anyone who will listen that it’s “not that bad.”

Fulford

Fulford residents save £10 per week on rent, valued money which goes towards all the hilarious house jokes.

They live with their flat from first year and their boyfriend, who lived directly across the hall last year. Who needs to widen the gene pool anyway?

It doesn’t matter that they live on the opposite side of campus from everyone else – they don’t have outside friends. Even if they did, no-one would visit. It’s like the “shadowy place” in The Lion King. At least it’s close to Aldi.

Residents are most likely to be: In the library, psyching themselves up for the long walk home.

Badger Hill

Lawyers. Everyone here is a lawyer. Apparently if lawyers are too far from Hes East they power down and can’t continue to function.

The only other safe haven for them is Sunday Revs. People who aren’t lawyers only live here because all their friends are lawyers.

It’s not all work and no play though – everyone knows Hes East is renowned for its beautiful expanse of sparse wasteland.

Residents are most likely to be: At a champagne mixer in the Ron Cooke Hub, talking to other lawyers about being a lawyer.

Campus

Anyone who lives on Campus is either a postgrad or the anal housemate who always ranted about the dishes in halls last year.

No one wanted to live with them, no matter how often they claim it’s the “sensible option.” These lost souls spend their evenings awkwardly lurking in D-Bar or at the back of whatever hilariously-named social event Derwent has decided to throw that week.

Do they even know there is a world beyond Campus? There’s a whole city out there, just waiting to be discovered.

Residents most likely to be: In D-Bar, leaning self-consciously against the bar.

The Boulevard

The posh lonely people, Boulevard dwellers definitely have more money than their friends. All the money they save on Jägerbombs in Parish can be spent on that prime colour-schemed studio flat of your dreams.

Or daddy can always fund them, if you’ve spent all your cash on university lacrosse fees. The rooms even come with a “wet room”, that key student necessity. Who needs mates when you can buy luxury?

Residents most likely to be: Cooking a microwave meal for one in their swanky kitchen.