If YUSU club nights were people
Revs is obviously a basic bitch
On the approach to any YUSU night, you know exactly the type of person you’re going to meet.
No-one knows where these people came from, or why they took these specific nights under their wing – but they’re there week in, week out.
All we know is that if we melted down every clubber and formed one holy being, these twats would be the result.
Revs: The classic basic bitch
Revs is the kind of girl who is only ready to party when she’s in a bodycon dress with heels bigger than my future prospects.
Before her grand entrance she is photographed with her whole crew: all her housemates, coursemates and basically anyone who hasn’t taken a disliking to her yet (#squadgoals).
Once she is in, Revs of course has to Insta photo of the line of vod before she even thinks about drinking a shot. She will then proceed to greet every person in the club with a half-hearted hug, while she sighs to her friends and says they’re actually not very nice once you get to know them.
When she gets inebriated after three shots of vanilla vodka, Revs may dance for a bit (and possibly trip up on her ridiculous heels) – but most of her night will be spent in the ladies’ toilet with her gal pals because everyone knows the squad who pee together stay together.
Kuda: The enthusiastic party animal who just can’t be tamed
For Kuda, the thrill of unadulterated clubbing is what brought them to uni. Kuda is a fresher, possibly from Derwent, who will almost definitely be on a mission to have the wildest night of their lives.
The whole of Tuesday (and to be honest Monday) will be spent asking friends, peers and randomers they just met in the queue at Nisa “You’re coming Kuesday right?” with shaking hands and too much eye contact.
When they eventually get through the gargantuan queue, Kuda will spend most of the night on the dance floor screaming wildly with their hands in the air, telling people about that one time they did poppers in Malia.
Of course, this will be interspersed with trips to the bar where they yell “One Jägerbomb please mate” to the weary-looking bartender.
Salvo: The sports wanker
Salvo’s night out of course starts with some horrific pre drinks where they’re told to down 10 pints of a Strongbow and Smirnoff cocktail. They will of course oblige, because it’s all in the name of great banter.
Before the sports crew enter in some ridiculous costume, someone will definitely vom in the street while the others take photos and laugh at their expense.
Inside, Salvo will dance outrageously but of course with an eye to any potential “pulls”. He’ll call everyone a “legend” for most of the night, then will stumble onto the night bus where he half-heartedly chants something classic about Derwent, before disembarking and passing out outside their bedroom door.
Fibbers: The wannabe hipster
Fibbers will probably tell people they just aren’t really into the clubbing scene at York, saying it’s all far too cheesy. They’ll at least try here though because it has a house room. They’ll make sure everyone knows clubbing is completely superficial, and will then proceed to dance only by nodding their head to the rhythm of the mainstream beats.
Fibbers will end the night in the throwback room, where they will sing their heart out to Mr Brightside – but of course they’ll say they were only doing it ironically. They will of course never smile or look like they are having a good time, because happiness is just not indie enough.
Although they will find room in their edgy hearts for cheesy chips. It would be rude not to.