Where has the talent gone from the Love Island talent show? Last night was a flop

Okay, what the actual mediocre hell has happened to the Love Island talent show? In 2020, Paige Turley belted out Show Me Love like an X-Factor auditionee. Three years before, Chris and Kem gave us a rap that still hasn’t been rivalled. Way back in season two, Cara literally breathed fire and Kady McDermott tap danced like Liza Minnelli.

But this winter we were delivered drivel. Sorry. Simon Cowell would have hit his red buzzer before a toot  left Casey’s trumpet. Standards have slipped besties and it’s a real serious shame. So, in mourning of the Love Island talent show‘s glory years, let’s investigate and analyse last night’s flop:

Jessie and Rosie

Everyone on Love Island is, by necessity, very very good looking. So, singing Don’t Cha in knee high boots and hot pants isn’t really telling us anything about Jessie and Rosie we didn’t know already.

Will

No flow, no rhythm, no real savagery. Will’s rap was giving more school playground than Skepta. But at least it made the Islanders laugh, I guess.

Tom

As if he wasn’t channeling the ghost of Liam Reardon enough after his antics in Casa Amor, Tom then decided to sing a love song to Samie in monotone. Even the ITV subtitles called him out of tune x

Kai

Looks like Kai’s been taking art class with his pupils, bless. And his performance was giving children’s TV presenter vibes until Will started gyrating against a bunch of grapes.

Shaq

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Respectfully, I’ve seen Shaq topless and thrusting enough. This isn’t the heart rate challenge, sir. Your pecs will not pass for a performance.

Casey

Millie on the piano in 2021. Indiyah on the recorder in 2022. Generally, primary school musical talents have the capacity to be hilariously shit. But Casey didn’t have us laughing, soz. Format is tired.

Lana

Undeniably sweet that Lana learnt this card trick from her dad. And it was all going so well until Shaq and Tanya’s cards got confused with someone else’s. Shame x

Tanya

Tanya’s choreography was really cool but why did the camera keep pivoting around like it was filming an action sequence? It left everyone dizzy.

Samie

She wasn’t as good as Kady McDermott in 2016. But Samie’s tap dancing was cute. Extra points for Tom getting misty eyed over her performance and calling it a “proper skill”.

Sanam

I’m going out on a limb here to say Sanam is actually the funniest Islander in the villa right now. Crying on demand as a talent? While it’s literally pissing it down with rain? So unhinged it’s like poetry.

Ron

And here we have the only actual talent of the night: Ron solving a Rubik’s cube in 90 seconds.

Props to the editing team on this one. The world-ending music, the tension-building cut aways. This had more jeopardy than this season’s post Casa Amor re-coupling.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• ‘Women are on the back foot’: Female contestants on the eye-watering cost of going on Love Island

• The best Love Island talent show performances of all time 

• Ibiza beach clubs, Printworks closing parties: Inside Will from Love Island’s raving and misbehaving