Here’s how every iconic girl group would vote in a general election
Sound of the Underground is obviously a tribute to the striking tube workers
Where do the Sugababes stand on nuclear disarmament? Would the Spice Girls have implemented austerity? Is Cheryl Cole a revolutionary Marxist? These are the questions that need answering to understand British politics today.
Every single girl group to grace our music scene has left an impact with a distinct set of unforgettable bangers and strong characters. Once those groups crumble and they go off into *mostly* disastrous solo careers it’s impossible to know what their next moves will be.
Inevitably one day instead of a brand deal with Iceland or a stint on I’m a Celeb there will perhaps come a time when one of them makes a run for parliament.
In preparation of that, here’s how I believe every iconic girl group would vote in a general election:
Girls Aloud – Labour
It’s obvious ‘Sound of the Underground’ is a tribute to the RMT union and the ongoing tube strikes. It’s just a matter of time before Cheryl comes out in support of Mick Lynch.
Cheryl herself is a life-long Labour supporter who’s said she’s “always been Labour”. In 2006 when David Cameron said he fancied Cheryl, she firmly rejected him saying “Do I fancy him? No! Politicians should stop trying to be cool” frankly it’s disrespectful Cameron ever thought he had a chance.
Our very own Derry girl, Nadine Coyle’s tendency to lose her passport no doubt also has her firmly on Priti Patel’s radar. Nadine also did more for British-Irish relations than any Tory when she made sure the Girls Aloud Greatest Hits album had both an Irish and a British flag on the cover.
Sugababes – Tory
As the Sugababes go on their first UK tour in over 20 years, I’m sorry to break the news that I reckon they’re Tories too.
‘Push the Button’ is a banger but unfortunately, it’s also a rallying cry for a nuclear apocalypse. If you want to live, under no circumstances should Mutya Buena be given access to the nuclear codes.
Their decision to constantly change their lineup also implies the existence of a Sugababes 1922 committee which is constantly passing votes of no confidence in its lead singers.
Little Mix – Labour
Little Mix’s discography is filled with classic feminist anthems like Shout out to My Ex and the group made their Labour voting intentions clear with this tweet in 2019.
Jade Thirwall is no doubt the revolutionary of the group. Jade told fans she was voting Labour because growing up working class she understands the importance of “a government which supports everyone and not the few”.
An important caveat is that this does not include Jesy Nelson. The less said about her the better but she’s unquestionably a giant Tory and you don’t get more Brexit than her hometown of Romford.
Spice Girls – Tory/Labour/Lib Dem
The Spice Girls initially seem quintessentially Tory in their vibes, any group with a member called “Posh Spice” has no chance of being anything else. On top of that Gerri Halliwell has repeatedly stated her love for Margaret Thatcher even calling her “the first Spice Girl”, excuse me while I vom.
Which would make you think the only thing the Spice Girls really really want is to sell off the NHS and cut welfare.
However, the two Northern Mels go some way to redeeming the Spice Girl’s political brand. Mel B reportedly brands herself an “anarchist” who thinks the way the world is run is “crap”. Meanwhile, Mel C stays true to her Merseyside roots and is a firm Labour supporter who unlike Gerri has called Thatcher “a complete prick”.
Emma Bunton keeps her head down a lot more than the others but she’s brimming with London centrist Remainer energy so she’s easily the token Lib Dem of the group.
The Pussycat Dolls – Tory
The only American group on this list but Nicole has spent enough time on our screens to earn honourary Brit status (don’t ask me who any of the others are).
‘When I Grow Up’ is full of hints at their Tory views. “I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star” is the epitome of Thatcherite individualist ideology, these girls are out for themselves and they don’t care who’s in their way, they will happily chuck sand in a toddler’s eyes if they have to.
On top of that their desire to “drive nice cars” clearly shows they’re not meeting their climate targets, and they probably shout about ULEZ on Facebook.
The Saturdays – Labour
Frankie Bridge spoke for the whole country when she said that Boris “doesn’t warrant respect”.
I think we can also infer that ‘Ego’ is clearly written about the arrogance of the Eton toffs that fill the Tory front bench. Meanwhile, ‘Higher’ is an ardently pro-worker song. “I’m doing nothing… and turn off my telephone” are the words of women who know exactly how to manage their work/life balance effectively. With Rochelle Humes as your union rep no exploitative boss will come near you.
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