Married At First Sight UK was just five weeks of our lives we’re never getting back

I was excited for Married At First Sight UK. Really excited, actually. Not even the fact that I’d just sacrificed over two months of my life to the Love Island villa was putting me off the prospect of getting invested in nonsense all over again. This was especially heightened thanks to my MAFS Australia FOMO, which was at fever pitch. I completely missed the boat on that hype and I’ll regret it forever. MAFS UK was meant to be my time to be in the conversation, in the drama, cherishing with the rest of the nation. But what we got was miserable. Bleak. Reality TV dregs. It’s been a long, unsatisfying season and here’s why it just never hit like it was supposed to:

The conversations were so staged that it was painful

I’m sorry, but Married At First Sight UK made scenes on Made In Chelsea look organic. You could practically see the cards with topics on the producers had prompted the couples with. It was tedious, insincere and hard to listen to. Part of this comes down to how it really felt like a lot of this cast weren’t really the right casting for reality TV, but worse still, the ones who actually were were just very bad at it.

The show spent too much time with the focus on the wrong thing

I think the producers of Married At First Sight UK really thought we were invested in seeing elaborate dates between people none of us actually believed were into each other. I couldn’t give less of a shite about watching Morag wail and guffaw her way through another date with Luke. Who did she think she was kidding? Besides Luke apparently, who seemed oblivious to the synthetic nature of this woman’s perspiratingly desperate attempts to not stay married but stay on our television screens.

What we should have been watching is all the time these couples spent together in little apartments in Brighton. That’s what I want – I want to watch real people being thrust into living situations with each other and to see how that unfolds. Why do producers so frequently think we’re here to see their stunts and forced dramas? Let things play out organically and TV magic unfolds, I promise you. When Love Island is at its best, it’s when the Islanders do something fun between each other. Just look at literally any season of Big Brother.

Everything was cyclical and repetitive

50 million dinner parties and 800 million commitment ceremonies, which on the topic of the latter always sounded and felt very cult-y. The time wasting in these episodes was of biblical proportion. The crocodile tears, the ad breaks, the cliff hangers. Exhausting. The clickbaity cliffhangers reached an exhausting fever pitch in the final week of the show, with the show constantly trying to bait you into thinking something dramatic was going to happen. Do you know what did happen? All of the final couples decided to stick together. For the sake of what, exactly? With the exception of Luke and Tayah and Matt and Dan, the rest had the romantic chemistry of a toothbrush.

Some couples were literally toxic

Franky told Marilyse at one point to shut up when he’s talking. In front of a group of people, and on television. If this isn’t the deepest crimson of red flags then nothing is. Amy and Josh fought like cat and dog and she threw a bottle lid mid argument once. These aren’t the hallmarks of healthy relationships, these are angry strangers on telly displaying signals to everyone that they need to cut their losses and call it a day. But the MAFS UK experts are too busy filling the episode with their romance jargon to care.

As per usual, thank GOD for the gays

Matt and Dan were the lords and saviours of MAFS UK. Genuine, lovely guys who clearly found something special in each other. They stood up for what was right and any scenes of them chatting felt like sweet respite from the rest of the nonsense we got. They fell slightly prey to the simulated conversation shite, and we had to watch an increasingly annoying amount of chat about whether they would live in Northern Ireland or Leeds when we all kind of just knew they’d make it work because they got on so well. Regardless, Dan and Matt were the most likeable couple. And if Married At First Sight UK comes back next year they’d do well to cast more than just one LGBTQ+ couple. We’re good TV, guys!

An honourable shoutout to the other scene stealer of the show, Franky’s mum. She was British hun culture in all its glory, and the below clip tells you everything you need to know about her:

In future, MAFS UK needs a revamp

To make the show worth watching again next year, MAFS UK needs to focus on the things that matter. I want to see the dynamic between the couples living together rather than simulated scenarios, dates and dinner parties. Drama should feel organic and not part of the furniture. Couples should be matched because they’re a match, not because they could be explosive (Morag and Luke were matched to be married despite one wanting kids and one not – how is that good matchmaking may I ask?). This show and formula could be iconic, but it’s got a long way to go until it gets there at this rate.

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