The John Lewis uni essentials are here and as always they are completely unnecessary

Every year John Lewis releases its uni essentials edit to provide the incoming Freshers with exactly what they need to start uni off right. Forget plates, duvets and a Primark set of fairy lights, John Lewis customers are providing their children with the true uni supplies. And what does that include? Well a Kate Spade notebook, Lumie alarm clock and microwave bacon cooker of course.

In previous years John Lewis have suggested their posho clientele send their kids off to uni with soup makers, glass teapots and Moleskin notebooks. Has anyone in the John Lewis buying team ever spoken to a student?

This year’s collection does include a bunch of normal items like mugs, bed sheets and towels. But of course they know their market and know Talulah and Bertie just cannot attend Oxford Brookes without their set of egg poachers.

These are the most unnecessary and boujie items included in John Lewis’s uni edit:

Chilly’s bottle, £22

Carrying a Chilly’s water bottle to all your lectures and seminars is the most basic posh status symbol. It’s the way to signal to your fellow poshos that you too are financed by the bank of dad and therefore can be friends.

Cake tin, £3

I hate to burst your Freshers bubble but you will not be spending your Sundays making Victoria sponges for your flatmates. You will all be on the sofa, dreadfully hungover arguing about who will go and get the Deliveroo from downstairs.

Kate Spade notebook, £20

£20 for a notebook! Do you know how many Jägerbombs you could get for that? In all seriousness go the Freshers fair and they will literally give you four notebooks for free.

Sure if you really wanna show off how boujee you are get one of those Pukka Pad notebooks we all had in school. But do not spend £20 on an initialled notebook.

Touch table lamps, £45

I won’t lie to you, these lamps look very aesthetically pleasing. They’re the sort of thing nice hotels have to create ambience in their dimly lit bars, but they’re not going to work for your uni bedroom.

You will have a desk light that will blind you every time you turn it on but it’s actually pretty good for uni work. And then when you want a more chilled lighting this lamp just isn’t going to work, you may as well not turn the lights on at all. Also who has space for two lamps? Have John Lewis seen the size of uni bedrooms?

Microwave rice cooker, £22

Have the poshos at John Lewis and their equally posh customers not discovered the wonder that is Uncle Ben’s microwave rice? There is no point buying rice to cook in the microwave when you could just get a small packet from Tesco and have zero washing up to do as well.

Kate Spade to do lists, £14

You can literally make a to do list on your phone.

Lumie alarm clock, £39.99

A Lumie alarm clock promises to wake you up naturally by stimulating a sunrise and providing animal noises if that’s your thing. However I honestly cannot think of a product you need less at uni than this alarm clock.

Firstly, you’ve literally got a phone, just use the alarm on there. Secondly, halls curtains are so thin that you’ll get the sunrise coming through anyway whether you want it to or not. And finally there is no point in having animal noises to wake up as your flatmate shagging through the wall will do that anyway.

Egg poachers, £11.99

But mummy, how am I going to make it through university without the chef’s poached eggs every morning? Well Hattie, John Lewis provides three different types of egg poachers in their uni essentials list so I’m sure you’ll cope.

Printer, £134.99

Do people still print things? The Tories are clearly a wasting their money investing in a printer to take to uni as the libraries are full of printers.

Popcorn maker, £15

This is a single serve popcorn maker. I’m sorry but if any of your new flat mates rock up with this in Freshers thinking it’s a suitable serving size for popcorn, then I’m afraid you’re living with a psychopath.

Microwave bacon crisper, £3.19

The older generations like to act as if our generation has no idea what we’re doing and are incredibly lazy. And you know what – this microwave bacon crisper makes me agree with them.

The device is used to cook bacon in the microwave in three mins and drain away the fat. I’m sorry but if you need this to cook bacon then you have lived a far too privileged lifestyle and need to come back to the real world where we cook our bacon in the frying pan.

A boujie rug, £80

Of course the future Made in Chelsea cast couldn’t possibly walk around a university bedroom that doesn’t have a soft pile rug. Who do you think they are??

Pen pot, £8.50

Has one ever heard of a mug? It’s a thing you can put pens in for half the price and they won’t slip through the little holes and irritate you to your wit’s end.

Also I thought we collectively agreed rose gold is now hideous and should be left in 2016?

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