You’re lying if you say you didn’t have a weird crush on these 17 characters as a kid
I don’t care what anyone says Lightning McQueen is fine af
Growing up we all had those collective crushes – Justin Bieber, various members of JLS and of course Harry Styles. You’d have their posters on your wall, fight with your friends over who would marry each one and shave your entire body for their concert in the hopes they’d fall magically in love with you. They obviously never did and it’s something we all laugh about now.
But the crushes no one really talks about are the slightly weird ones that you feel odd admitting even to yourself. They’re mainly cartoons and usually not even human ones. If you’ve never had a crush on a fictional cartoon animal then you’re lying to yourself.
The biggest crushes of our childhoods had to be Simba, Gill from Finding Nemo and of course Lightning McQueen. That fast red car was essential to my sexual awakening and it’s time we stopped living in shame of our weird childhood crushes.
These are the weirdest but fittest crushes we all had in childhood:
Yes he’s a lion. Yes I fancied him as a child. Yes I probably still do now. There really was just something in his cheeky, boyish attitude that made a young me fall in love with him.
And then when he was the adult Simba he had that whole brooding, “I’m misunderstood” vibe to him that is essentially most bad boys we all tell ourselves we shouldn’t like but still fancy and want to fix because we can’t help us ourselves.
Honestly it’s a toss up between who is fitter, Nala or Simba? Nala is attractive both as a young and old lion and has the whole independent woman thing, so I think I’m gonna have to hand it to Nala here.
He’s purple and has like three hairs on his head but look at his face right now and tell me you’re not attracted to him.
The Tweenies as a concept are not a vibe. Jake? Bella? No thank you. I think it was Milo’s boyish cheeky attitude that really made him a winner in my eyes.
It is a fact universally acknowledged that Gill from Finding Nemo is the fittest cartoon to swim the Earth. He is the typical older brooding depressed bad boy. He’d smoke constantly, be in band and not text you back for three to five days. And I can honestly blame him for my attraction to unhealthy unattached men.
Despite his bad boy attitude he also cares a lot about Nemo which is incredibly endearing and as all lovers of toxic men will know, it melts your heart to see a bad boy have one thing he really cares about.
Jessica Rabbit was the archetype for the unrealistic body images the Kardashians set now. But I will forgive her for that because let’s face it, no one is sexier than Jessica Rabbit.
Yummy. What is it about big cartoon cats? They’re just always so damn attractive.
Arthur the Aardvark
Ok hear me out on this one, he was wholesome, sweet and always there for me when having my breakfast. And sometimes we need to give the nice guys a shout out amongst the round up of weird childhood crushes.
Peter Pan in human or cartoon form was essential for young girls in understanding what a crush is. He was our first experience of how thrilling it is to be in love with a cheeky and rebellious who doesn’t want to grow up.
Fantasising about Peter Pan stealing us from our rooms in the dead of night really shouldn’t be as appealing as it is.
Lola from Shark Tale
She’s the fish version of Jessica Rabbit, and being played by Angelina Jolie only increases her attractiveness.
Honestly first watching that film I can’t remember if I wanted to be her or be with her. Still uncertain.
Quite literally a fox and yet there I was aged seven simping over a fox before I even knew what simping was. I would say it was the whole robbing the rich to give to the poor angle, but really it was the hat.
Also him leaning against a tree? Yeah that’s my new sexuality.
There’s just something so bad ass about a girl being a spy. She takes no shit, wears the coolest outfits and has the most enviable hair. Yes I am in love with Kim Possible.
Nani from Lilo and Stitch
Not only does Nani have a phenomenal body but she’s also a very caring older sister to Lilo and I appreciated that even at an early age.
Yes he’s a glorified rugby boy but he can take me to infinity and beyond any time he likes.
This is the one time you will hear me say a rat is attractive. Anyone who cares about food is a winner in my book and the fact that Remy was also attractive for a cartoon rat makes him the supreme rodent and easily one of the oddest of our weird childhood crushes.
People on TikTok are finally catching onto the goddess that is Velma. The women in Scooby Doo, both cartoon and real life, are beyond exceptional, but Velma in the red cat suit just puts her in another league.
Should I be seeking therapy because I fancy a horse?
Being sexually attracted to a car is typically a young man’s domain. The kind of guy whose car is pristine but you can’t even find the carpet in their room. They’re usually the type of people who fancy cars.
However I think within all of us there’s a place to fancy one car in particular and that is Lightning McQueen. He’s red, fast and can rev his engine like no one. And that grin. It could honestly rival the dazzling smile of any Hollywood A-Lister.