Africa by Toto is officially over. Stop playing this song at parties

If you use your one song on the aux to play this you’re a narc

A few weeks ago, following the Black Lives Matter protests and toppling of slaver statues, another icon of whiteness was attacked: Africa by Toto. One Twitter user posted, saying: “White people I understand this will be hard to hear but we’re gonna have to talk about that Toto song sooner or later.” And the user was right.

A big debate ensued about whether the song was racist because it’s a bunch of white men blessing rains in Africa and nothing really came of it in terms of #cancellation. There was no #africabytotoisoverparty or receipts dredged up. Toto did not make a Youtube video entitled “i’m sorry” in all lower caps that was ten minutes long and purposely unedited. But the tweet just needed to touch one person to make a difference. That person was me. I am here to tell you: Africa by Toto is officially over. Done. Gone. We’re putting an end to it.

Why? Not for any race related reasons specifically. I just think it sucks. “Hold on, hold on” you say to me – “how can you not like Africa by Toto?” Let me explain. Once I was just like you. I did, at one point, like Africa by Toto. Anyone who met me at a uni halls kitchen pres when I was 18 could hold me to that. I’m not running from it – I was that white girl screaming “I BLESS THEEEE RAAAAAIIINSSSSS DOWN IN AAAAAFRICCCCAAAAAA” and then kinda mumbling most of the other lyrics for 4 mins and 56 seconds (God it’s actually so long? Who allowed it to be that long?).

That is why I can speak to you from a place of wisdom when I tell you: Africa by Toto is over. That is 4 minutes and 56 seconds you cannot get back. Nearly five minutes you could spend doing much better things. And, to be frank, if you use your one aux cord song privilege to play this song it’s like using your one phone call in jail to call your ex and ask where things went wrong. Embarrassing and just plain dumb. Let me outline three clear reasons why Africa by Toto needs to be put softly to sleep (the kind of sleep that your parents will tell you was “going to live on a farm”).

Firstly: You do not want to be the person that picks Africa by Toto as a song choice. What do you think that says about your general vibe? Not much, to be honest. And whatever it is sayin’, it ain’t good. Envision you’re at a party and you hear the start of Africa by Toto – you don’t look to see who the fitty on the aux is. No. You moan. You go “come onnnn” in the kind of way you moan when your mate says they’re gonna dip after three drinks. Africa by Toto is not a good look for anyone. Know that. So before you drunkenly punch “Arfrica To to” into your mate’s Spotify, ask yourself this: Do you really want to be that guy?

I *do not want to* hear the drums echoing tonight

Secondly: It never fits the mood. There is literally no mood at a pres or party or club where Africa by Toto is “the perfect song” for that moment. Africa by Toto is the perfect song for your mum making spag bol on a lazy Saturday afternoon, ergo, not a party. Imagine a lairy pres, everyone’s talking over each other, someone’s being chanted at while they down a drink, a Y2K banger is popping off in the distance – it’s all going so well. Then the record metaphorically scratches and Africa by Toto comes on. The people turn to look at you. What have you done. You have killed the vibe. That’s what.

I grant you, once upon a time it was an ironic banger, but the irony dies after the first chorus and then you have to all sing along to the “do, do do do do, dooo” bit instead of the lyrics because THE ONLY GOOD BIT IS THE CHORUS. Why can’t you just pick a song that is all good, instead of just the bit where they bless the rains?

Thirdly and finally: there are so many better songs. You want an ironic tune to stick on so people don’t take you too seriously? Babycakes. You want something kinda soulful? September by Earth Wind and Fire. You want to seem like a total fucking narc? Africa by Toto.

I’m sorry but I said what I said. We don’t need Africa by Toto anymore, we as a society have surpassed the need for Africa by Toto. Strip it from your playlists, erase it from your minds, leave it to the mums in their new builds and by god find another banger. Please.

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