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I can’t help it, I keep getting with my mates’ boyfriends and exes

If they sleep with me, does it mean I’m better than everyone?

5 years ago

Welcome to The Tab’s weekly sex and dating advice column, where we’ll be answering your most sordid dilemmas – the ones you wouldn’t even tell the group chat.

I can’t help but be attracted to my mates' boyfriends and exes and I hate it. I've gotten with a few of my friends' boyfriends before and they never knew. I also always end up getting with people's exes. I think it's a deep seated insecurity issue where if I like them and they pay me attention, it means I am better than anyone else they like. What's wrong with me? I don't even feel that guilty when it happens and rarely think about my friends' feelings. The only thing that scares me is being isolated if anyone ever found out.

Deep down you know this is wrong and the fact you're even opening up about this is an indication you want to change. You're not this evil, cold-hearted bitch you think you've become. You're not out of control. But equally, there's no use pretending you haven't or won't hurt your friends. Because what you're describing is super toxic and – to a lot of people – unforgivable.

Take a cold hard look in the mirror, this has nothing to do with "forbidden" love, it's all to do with the fact you don't deem your own experiences in life as valuable or worthy. I bet you're the type of person who gets FOMO all the time and never wants to miss out. And I bet you've spent a lot of time in your life curating a perfect version of yourself, comparing yourself to others and doing things that you think will make you more likeable, instead of just living your life.

How much of your time is spent thinking that everyone around you is living a shiny life of happiness and sunshine, while your life has handed you closed pistachio nuts that keep splitting your calcium deficient nails? Everything that happens to you is unfortunate, while everyone else seems to be getting lucky. All the time.

You're angry. You want to redress the balance. You're like the child at the birthday party who didn't get a goodie bag but now as an adult you're emboldened enough to steal everyone else's because you didn't get yours. And you have to ask yourself, when in your life did you not get what you thought you deserved? Who didn't validate your feelings? Who didn't love you enough? Was it your parents? Was it your siblings? Was it your friends? I'm not joking – who hurt you?

Stop it. Stop competing with your friends. Trying to steal someone else's source of happiness won't make you happier. And you know this, it's why you've written in. And I guarantee that every time you do end up sleeping with these men, the attraction fades hard and fast. So save yourself the trouble and use this experience to start making your own life feel valuable and worthwhile.

Do you have a personal sex and dating dilemma you desperately need an answer to? Email [email protected]. And dw, it’s all anonymous! ?