Everything you’ll know if you’re a girl who is fully obsessed with makeup but never wear it
She’s still got better eyebrows than you
You know those girls that never wear makeup, but somehow they have £300 worth of bronzer in their makeup bag? Yeah well she is a massive thing. Introducing the make up obsessed no make up girl – the girl who wears no makeup whatsoever during the day, but manages to spend her whole life devoted to it. She'd rather put a detoxing mask on her face and save her skin up for special occasions only. Special occasions like her mate's 21st where she will walk in and literally wipe the floor with her strobing. She knows all too well that "mmm" feeling when you put mascara on for the first time in months. Other than having the face equivalent of a Zara outfit, what else does this gal do?
She has at least five highlighters that are a near identical pinky/gold colour and they all cost over £18
She might go to Boots with the intention of buying dry shampoo but she will walk out with nothing but "just one more" highlighter palette, exactly the same as the unopened one sat on her desk.
She looks so glowy and radiant, you can't tell whether she is a human Snapchat filter or whether she's actually wearing bare makeup
She is wearing makeup (else I am cursed).
Like once every four months she will apply a full face of makeup
She walks into the house party looking so hot you nearly shit yourself. You're just so not used to seeing her wear mascara. She might have actually just walked out of the LOVE advent.
The thing is, all her makeup glided on perfectly because she never wears makeup. Her skin has no blackheads because her makeup routine is not some self defeating routine where foundation is applied to cover the ever increasing amount of blackheads it creates.
Talking about makeup is a fully erotic experience for her
Look at the pigmentation quality on this cream blush, it is so soft and wet and packed full of moisture. UAAH. Spit gloops out of her mouth.
She takes her makeup off and looks exactly the same
But then also totally not the same, like what are you doing to your face that makes it so dewy I want to swim in it????
She spends so much time researching makeup products she could do a PHD in contouring
Feel Unique is this girls JSTOR. She is forever scouring Instagram for weird brands that no one has heard of. You know they are fancy because they always have full names. Like Trish McEvoy, Kevyn Aucoin, or Charlotte Tilbury. She is nothing short of a chemist, totally overqualified to write an academic report on chemicals which cause redness in sensitive skin.
She has luscious, full eyebrows because she listened to her mum and didn't pluck them to shit when she was 12
Were you one of those fools who trimmed your monobrow with Dads Bic razor? Shame, this girl doesn't even need to draw her eyebrows on, she can use brow mascara instead.
She is the sort of girl who spends the entire day in Adidas gym leggings
She has no choice, she spent the remnants of her student loan in Mac. Otherwise she is forced to only wear boohoo.com. But because the only colours she wears are beige and navy somehow she still manages to look chic. Despite her athletic look, she only goes to the gym once a week for a phenomenally laid back yoga class where the main exercise is breathing heavily with a straight back.
She is one of those really grown up people who does wholesome things like listening to podcasts
The type of girl who doesn't leave the clothes wash to when she's run out of clean knickers.
Occasionally she buys something rogue like a blue eyeliner
When she never uses it she ends up giving it to her 8-year-old cousin to play with. It cost £8.
She loves drinking weird shit like coconut low fat lattes (not sure if those are actually a thing but it is 2018 so let's be honest they definitely are a thing)
She will Instagram pictures with the drink, her face tilting at a very specific angle to pick up the holographic highlighter blurred under her eyebrow.
She spends money on things no other girl could be arsed with, like mink feather brushes and beauty blenders
But I want the fun pink glitter, I'll just slather my Barry M foundation on with my greasy fingers, surely it won't make a difference. And that is why I never make it into club picture albums.
She is into mindfulness which is funny because she's the biggest stress head you have ever met
When she changes her profile picture and only gets 79 likes she quickly becomes teary. It was uploaded at 7:30pm – that is peak time, why is no one liking it????? Not surprising when you think that the only thing she knows about meditation comes from that 100 page book she bought from Urban Outfitters.
She thinks it's weird when her mates won't leave the house without eyebrows on
I look like a lubed up egg with no features without makeup on, leave me alone.
All her Tweets are blunt observations written out in lower case
This actually takes way more work than correct grammar because it means you have to de-capitalise the beginnings of sentences on your phone. This girl has a ferocious attention to detail. That goes for her expert nose contouring and her nonchalant social media presence which uses retro phrases like "rofl" and "tbh".
Loads of guys fancy her, they say 'she is naturally pretty, I like that'
She didn't just come out of the womb with soft pink matte lips. It's all a lie.
But she is a total ally that owns up to the fakery
Not like one of those coy girls that blush and make out their doing a #nomakeupselfie when really they have brown eyeliner on.