I’m really really going to miss you Obama
You and your dad jokes
In just under two months, you’ll be gone. Replaced in your big White House by a man with a big orange ego. Over eight long years Barack, you’ve done a lot. You killed Bin Laden. You introduced healthcare reform and a few more pretty important policies to try and improve a country that’s quite fucked up, and yeah, we’ll still think of these, but that’s not why we’ll remember you.
So when you graduate as the sole member of the class of January 2017, take a look at how you won over the world. America might not want you anymore, and all the low key racists voted for Trump and screwed up your legacy. But we’ll always love you. Everyone else in the world. The normal ones. We’ll remember when you danced with old ladies, calmed down crying babies and set free innocent turkeys.
Most likely to do the impossible
If this is what you’re like on camera, what are you like on your own. No one is this capable all the time. Swatting a fly on your first attempt is a feat only mere mortals can dream of, and only really achieve on a random occasion when no one else is around to witness it. But you don’t need to go to your group of friends and say: “Biden you’re not gonna believe it… honestly first time!”
Best with kids award
“I want to take a moment to recognise the brave turkeys who weren’t so lucky, who didn’t get to ride the gravy train to freedom and who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren’t chicken.”
If it’s not singing Happy Birthday to your daughter in front of the whole nation, pretending to be shot by a child dressed as Spiderman, losing your shit with a kid dressed as the Pope, playing peek-a-boo with a toddler or just stopping a new born from crying when Michelle couldn’t, you’re telling some of the finest dad jokes possible.
Most likely to change the world
Homosexuality is illegal in 74 countries, and punishable by death in 12 – but not in America. Legalising gay marriage across the country was probably the most important civil rights case in a generation. When the last 13 states in America allowed gay people to get married it was like the world turned a corner. A process that had started 12 years before had finally been completed. Gay people could have a family, adopt kids more easily and live the life they’re entitled too.
Biggest friend to everyone award
That fist bump with the cleaner. That time you danced with 106-year-old Virginia McLaurin. That time you even asked a rally in North Carolina to stop booing an elderly Trump supporter. You’ve got famous friends we all want to have: Tom Hanks, Jay Z and Beyonce, George Clooney, even our own Queen.
Most likely to still be friends when you’re older
You’re inseperable. It’s a bromance everyone’s jealous of: they wish they could run through the work corridors and make friendship bracelets for each other. Not even the discovery of a young Joe Biden who made everyone swoon could distract from the endless memes of you stopping him playing tricks on The Donald.
When David Cameron admitted to smoking weed, hundreds if not thousands of teens stopped texting their dealers and buy king size Rizla. It became deeply deeply uncool. But you say it and everyone’s moving to Colorado all of a sudden and honking on a bifta. It might have been your weed smoking college days, but you’ve become the social media President. If we thought your interview with Zach Galifianakis was funny, we were then treated to not one, but two helpings of mean tweets – including one from your successor, even if you’re put down did backfire massively.
Most likely to be President
You were pretty good, we’ll bloody miss you.