Rest easy europhiles of Britain, Rio Ferdinand has spoken

Suspend the campaigns. Tell Boris to stop his rhetoric. Finally, Nigel Farage can go home to a sad pint and fag.

Last night, former Manchester United player and England captain Rio Ferdinand settled the Brexit debate once and for all. With a Facebook status.

A bit like that guy on your newsfeed. You met him on holiday several years ago and there was a congenial add when you all went home. You haven’t spoken again but his status updates, and wide of the mark political opinions, have been popping up on your timeline ever since. It’s not so much that he’s wrong, it’s just that you don’t care. Why does he feel the need to tell you to “delete me if you’re pro-Brexit” or “if you are pro-Brexit, speak up now and I can commence the cull”?

I’m not sure why and how Rio Ferdinand decided he was an expert in European politics. Or why he thinks it imperative to share his expertise. He tells us we should vote Remain. Because he has three kids, politics is a team game after all. Okay fine I take it back, I guess he has some good points then.

In spite of his ignorance, Rio has taken it upon himself to write a 997-word-long opus telling you how to vote. I would have ignored it like all the others if he hadn’t opened with: “No-one has the right to tell anyone how to vote.”