Notts math: Seven ways you can use girl math in Nottingham

TikTok users think they can take credit for the invention of “girl math” – using logic that some may say is flawed to justify generous (reckless) spending habits – , but the phenomenon has been around forever. Girl math may seem to some like an excuse to be frivolous with money, but that’s the whole point.

The whole point of girl math is to make us feel better about spending money on things we don’t need, but which make us happy. It’s not like most of us will ever be able to buy a house anyway in this economy, so we might as well add some joy into our otherwise misery-struck lives. So, if you’re looking for even more ways to feel better about just how much of your student loan has been spent on takeaway coffees and Primark blankets, look no further. Here’s seven absolutely logical ways you can and should use girl math to enhance your Nottingham uni experience.

1. If you don’t remember buying it, no you didn’t

This logic can apply to a whole multitude of things, but I’m saying this in reference to that sinking feeling you get after checking your bank account the morning after a night out. If you find yourself down £50 but you literally have no recollection of anything of the night before, it actually doesn’t count as having spent money! Crazy, right? So none of those Jägerbombs you bought in Ocean, the burger you got in Mega Munch OR the Uber home you bought for everyone actually counted as costing anything because you don’t remember it happening.

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And even if you DO remember, it still doesn’t count: Your friends will pay you back for the Jägers, you needed that burger to soak up all the booze, and you obviously have to get an Uber home because it’s late at night and safety comes first.

2. If you buy a coffee anywhere with a loyalty scheme, you’re practically making money

I am a personal victim of the takeout coffee addiction: My Starbucks points are so high I can’t even think about how much money I had to spend to get there. But, I always remind myself that I’d be spending that money anyway, so it might as well go towards something great like a free drink for every £5o I spend, not to mention the free espresso shots, syrups AND a free birthday drink after having spent £150 on Starbucks in one year.

No, I don’t want to talk about how much I had to spend to get there but I do want to talk about how much it makes sense that I’ve basically profited off buying Starbucks. It’s the same for any coffee shop with a loyalty card, so splash that cash.

3. The bus is basically free

My logic for this one is threefold: First of all, if you get the bus into town for a night out instead of an Uber, you’ve already saved yourself about five quid, therefore making money. Secondly, when you tap onto the orange buses, when the money is in pending it says it only cost you 10p, so by the time it’s actually taken out of your account you won’t even notice you’re down £2.

Thirdly, the buses in Nottingham are so environmentally friendly that you’re saving money in the long run. All that pollution you would’ve caused had you ordered an Uber would cost the taxpayer an arm and a leg, so you’re being economic AND doing your bit for the environment too.

4. Coursework doesn’t count

I really shouldn’t be saying this as a final year whose assessments this term are literally all coursework, but hear me out. Each piece of coursework you do is going to be worth no more than three per cent of your total grade for uni, and even that’s pushing it. So, if you just barely scrape a 60 for one essay, it really doesn’t matter because you have the whole rest of the year to make it up. On the other hand, if you score a 70 per cent or above, you literally have a first now so you don’t need to worry about the other assessments.

5. Anything bought in the George Green café is free

Everyone feels the same way about the George Green cafe. There’s something about the noise levels specifically on that floor that is just so LOUD, loud enough in fact that I’m surprised we don’t all go slowly deaf from it. With that in mind, if you manage to brave the whole queue at lunchtime and buy something, that experience is always so traumatic you deserve compensation. It was free xx

6. Any money in your Paypal balance is free money

I’ve seen this one circulating on TikTok before, and I definitely think it rings true. Whether it’s a refund for something – which is always free money even if it’s directly in your bank account – or your housemate paying you back for the Wifi bill, any money in your Paypal balance is free. I don’t make the rules.

7. Any money spent on water bottles, blankets or reusable coffee cups is an investment, and therefore free

Of all of the girl math logic in this list, I think this makes the most sense. All three of these items are links that will eventually save your money, so you’ll make a huge return on your investment in the long run. Investing in a water bottle means you don’t have to keep buying plastic ones – and I’ll reiterate the point about saving the environment equals saving money – a fluffy blanket means you don’t need to put the heating on, and a reusable coffee cup means you save 25p or so every time you buy a coffee from most places, as you don’t have to pay for the reusable one.

I hope some of this logic has made you feel better about your spending habits, even if it means you’re living in delusion a little. The only suggestion I would say you should take with a pinch of salt is coursework not counting, because I will not be held responsible if you fail your degree because of girl math (sorry). All in all though, if a bit of delusion is what it takes to get you through these dark depressing maths, I support you.

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• Calling all girlies, this is your ultimate guide to the Nottingham ‘hot girl walk’

• Five ways you can be more sustainable as a Notts student

• Here’s all the things to do in your Notts lectures that don’t involve work