How to deal with a friend who is a rubbish driver

No longer should going to the shops hold a 50 per cent chance of death

The second you turn seventeen the pressure is on – pass your test or be an outcast. The rush that then follows not to be the last of your group left begging for a lift to town means some people are so focused on learning to pass that they don’t actually learn to drive. If you’ve noticed none of your friends want a lift, even when you offer to take them to the pub so they can get slaughtered, then this is probably you. If you (maybe mistakenly) believe you are a good driver but have a friend who should never have been passed on their fifth attempt then we’re here to help.

You might love your car but doesn’t mean other people love being in it

Dramatically pretend to brake when they get too close to something

You might find their love of being centimetres from other cars causes you to do this anyway, but a dramatic fake break might make them realise how terrible they really are. When you are close enough to identify whether the person in front has done their roots this month, flail your arms wildly without knocking the driver out, and slam your foot to the ground. They might look at you like a lunatic and ask if something landed on your face, but there is a small chance they may understand that some people don’t want to play bumper cars on the motorway.

Tell a really long story about how bad another friend of yours is

Whilst this is a super passive aggressive way of doing it, a paranoid friend will get the hint. If your friend thinks every time you laugh its at her (and if you share this article to your WhatsApp chat will presume the same) then telling a really long and oddly specific tale about how rubbish ‘someone else’ is might do the trick. Bonus points if you ‘accidentally’ slip their name in instead.

If your passenger looks this scared you should be reading this article

Gossip about it with that friend of yours who can’t keep their mouth shut

If you don’t wanna be shot, then just don’t be the messenger. Everyone knows who to keep out of the loop if they want the loop to remain small, but this might be your saving grace. Have a ‘quiet’ moan about how bad your friend is at driving and before you know it the message will have been passed on. Admittedly this might not put you in their good books either way, but I’d rather be disliked on the sly than actually die.

Scare them to the point they barely want to drive

“This is the roundabout I aquaplaned on with my whole family in my car,” is not something you should mention in the rain when you’re driving, but if someone else is then go ahead. Leave them so worried the same fate will befall them that roundabouts are now taken slower than a learner. Equally start reading Uberfacts and quote them any horrendous fact you learn – such as 1/3 of teenagers deaths are on the road (you’re welcome). This is not such a welcome method however if you actually rely on them to drive you places, as soon you might find your petrol bill increases as you’re designated driver all the time.

Driving should mean surviving

Claim you have an interest in being a DJ

Whilst you’ve never actually touched a set of decks (if thats what they’re even called) for the friend that won’t stop fiddling with the radio this could be the answer. Demand you sort out the tunes for this journey and in the process also demand riding shotgun – slap their hand away if they so much as reach for the radio, though make sure they weren’t going for the gear stick instead first. If their phone is the problem then play music off that and let them have absolutely no input.

Resign yourself to forever being the driver

Channel your inner Lewis Hamilton and pretend that driving is your favourite thing. Sure you’ll never be able to drink when out again and you’ll probably find yourself always picking up your wasted friends and you’ll spend more money on petrol than the rest of your friends combined but…actually, no, this is a bad idea. Don’t become the driver, it’ll make it not even worth leaving your house.

Gift them a book on Road Safety

Stick their face on the driver on the front cover and write their name on the inside so they can’t regift it and may be forced to read it. If you’re feeling really cheeky make them put it in their car and then every time they come to a potential dangerous moment – such as that junction where you know they won’t stop – then recite the passage about junctions to them until they are so sick of you they do it just to shut you up.

Please don’t let your friends drive with their dogs on their laps

Just tell them

Try this: “Michael, you drive worse than my blind grandma. I don’t care that you managed to scrape a pass with thirteen minors, it doesn’t mean you actually know how to drive.”

Telling them straight is the most surefire way to get the message across that you actually would rather your blind grandma was driving than them. Sure, you might lose a friend for life, but at least you’ll still actually be alive.